consciousness

The problem with becoming aware of everything  - of your actions and the actions around you and what you do and what you say and how you place your arms here, there, on your hips or folded across your chest - is that you're suddenly self-conscious and bloop sorry what was that again -- something about 'confidence'?

For some reason I've always thought that having awareness is a good thing. Knowledge is power, and what better knowledge than the knowledge of your life and yourself and your surroundings?

But as I've grown to become more 'knowledgeable' and conscious to how people react to the things I say and the way I act, I've sunk deeper into myself and am chronically feeling as if I'm growing inwards rather than out at the world.

I preferred to be ignorant to the way people nervously but politely laugh or subtly glance at each other when I swear or crack a dirty joke or say something inappropriate (which I find funny, of course). Except I don't find it funny any more because you don't find it funny and neither does she and that comment didn't get a 'like' and that joke didn't get a laugh and -- I'm sorry I think it'd be better if I just stayed quiet from now on.

I don't know how to stand when I'm around new people or people I don't know very well. I speak too loud and too fast and I come on too strong and my mouth moves ahead of my brain and I'm not enunciating enough and whoops sorry that just slipped out (It didn't even make any sense, grammatically or logically) my god Vicky what the fuck are you even on about just stop please

(They already thought you were weird enough and now look what you've done!)

(You made it worse!)

But really, what are my arms doing, I can't cross my arms because I've read in all those magazines that crossing your arms when you're talking to someone means that you shut yourself off from them and it makes them subconsciously think that you're not interested, so I guess that's out. How about on your hips - no, now you just look like a beat-down mother chastising her five year old for not picking up his toys. I wish I could just dangle them on my sides but that feels so uncomfortable and unnatural even though that's the natural way to hold your arms in the first place.

I hate being perpetually afraid of awkward silences because they always cause me to fill the quiet with some stupid story that no one is interested in, with an unsatisfying ending and no punchline.

The problem with becoming aware of everything is that you end up not wanting to be aware of anything at all.

what am i doing with my life

warning: long fucking post ahead.

and then this happened...

 

 

HUUUEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(what am i doing oh god)

so, on Wednesday, Meilin and I met up with Ben, Kelly and Bryan to go to that pier place next to Parnell Baths (its called judges bay i think). Before that though, me and meilin bussed to parnell cathedral where we were supposed to meet Ben. Buuuut he wasnt there, so he texted us saying to make our way over to the pier and he'd meet us along the way.

that would've been fine if Meilin actually had any sense of direction.

So, we went a completely different direction and walked for about 10 minutes before we found out and then we had to walk all the way back (Tbh it wasnt actually that far but it was REALLY SUNNY and hot at the time so i was bitching the whole way).

actually tbh i cbf explaining this day to whole detail so i'll bullet point it

• went to bens house  front door on the way to destination
• his dog is a HUGE ball of fluffiness and is fucking adorable. like HUGE.
• i'm semi allergic to fur tho so i was like errrrrrkkk. also, the dog was big and i am a pussy
• but it was really cute
• walked to judges bay, decided to go to parnell baths instead cuz the water looked rank
• stayed at parnell baths for like, 20 minutes. bought food. 
• that day i had my hair like: 
•  (but it was nowhere near as pretty)
• and i used a hairtie to tie it at the back but when i pulled out the hairtie to go swimming, it was completely knotted up and WOULD NOT LET GO OF MY HAIR. srsly. bryan and kelly both took turns on untangling it. i spent a full 10 minutes trying to get it out. FUCKING RIDICULOUS
• when i finally got it out (ugh so embarrassing) there was just this strange knot of hair dangling hahaa
• btw later when i got home and finally brushed it out that whole bunch of hair just got ripped out by my brush
• ugh usually my hair behaves so well ffffff
• why am i posting so many bulletpoints about hair
• okay anyway
• ben and meilin went to make out somewhere and kelly and bryan swam away somewhere so i was just all by my lonesome for a while
• and then i was like where da fuq is everyone
• so i went back to the lockers and everyone was there and i was like -__- WTF SRSLY
• then we decided to go to judges bay
• NOW LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING BOUT JUDGES BAY.
• http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10779897

"Warning signs have popped up on Judges Bay Beach, in Parnell, after water quality tests this week found an extremely high concentration of the bacteria enterococci."

"Judges Bay Beach has recently recorded a result of 1600 enterococci per 100ml. A beach deemed safe will have a sample reading of less than 140 enterococci per 100ml, while one deemed unsafe will have a reading of more than 280 enterococci per 100ml." 

• FUCKING. EW.
• AND I ACTUALLY SWAM (well, doggie paddled) QUITE A BIT IN THAT CESSPOOL OF SHIT COMPARED TO HOW MUCH I'D HAVE SWAM IF I WENT TO, LETS SAY, MISSON BAY.
• why? because we had  to swim out onto one of these wooden platform things
• and the distance we had to swim to get to the one we went on was a bit more than the length that freddie swam in that scene^
• AND I CANT FUCKING SWIM
• and since i was the fifth wheel that day, as i was painfully drowning away in enterococci (i didnt know about the health risk shit until today btw) no one came to my aid cuz the two couples were too busy being all coupley and shit
• ben and meilin were laughing at me though
• those fuckers
• srsly u dont know how freaky it was for me though. i nearly had a panic attack when i was smack bang between the land and the platform because i had to keep swimming since there was nowhere to go and was just surrounded by water and i felt so helpless and weak and ugh 
• and my favourite pair of sunglasses broke on the way cuz i forgot to take them off :(
• got to the platform eventually
• both couples started making out
• i felt very single
• sat in my sad little single corner
• everyone else ended up leaving the platform so we had it to ourselves and whenever someone would try to come on, meilin would stand in front of the ladder bit hahahahaha and if they kept trying to get on she was like 'oh sorry' and moved. 
• and whenever someone looked like they were heading our way it was like GO PDA GO GO GOOOO
• we eventually swam back to shore (UGH AGAIN) and btw i swallowed the water and now i feel like there is poison and disease coursing my bloodstream ewwwwww
• got changed
• took the bus to city
• went to this korean restaurant
• my first proper time eating korean food excluding dinners at joannas house
• i got a bibimbap (only cuz it was one of the few non-spicy things on the menu) and couldnt pronounce it and ben gave me shit about it
• decided i dont really like korean food (probably because i cant handle any spicyness at all, and without spicyness then whats the point of korean food?)
• kellys mum came into the restaurant out of nowhere
• we were all like holy shit what the actual fuck HOW DID SHE KNOW WE WERE HERE
• finished food
• said bye and i bussed home

omg im sorry i don't know how to accurately use bulletpoints haha. i just like it cuz it means i can write short sentences.

despite the complaining ^, it was a pretty alright day. although next time if i'm invite to that sorta shindig where i'm the fifth wheel i dont think i'd go.......

&& on tuesday (i think it was tuesday) my brother took me out driving YAY!

I KNOW YOU GUYS HAVE MISSED MY DRIVING ADVENTURES :DDD

according to my brother if i took my restricted test right now i'd probably fail lmao i'm not surprised. it's just because i'm not confident enough behind the wheel and IF I HAD MORE PRACTICE THAT WOULDN'T BE AN ISSUE NOW WOULD IT ???

he taught me how to properly reverse into shit like driveways, three point turn and attempted to teach me how to parallel park.

i thought i was pretty shit at reversing but he said i was good so i just left it at that. three point turn was a piece of cake. parallel parking was a BITCH.

seriously all the wheel spinning and the neck craning and the angles..... -______-

i bumped onto the kerb about 8 times.

didnt crash into the cars though (Y) but i hope the owners of the cars didnt see me trying to parallel park between their cars because I'd probably give them an anxiety attack....

drove all the way to mt wellington to pick up Amy from her work and my brother told me to drive back as well but i wasn't keen on the chance of being caught and getting demerit points and a fine  so i didnt :/

Amy suggested my bro, her, my mum and I go out to dinner

.......and sooooo we did

went to Mecca in the city and lemme tell you how uncultured I am.

that was the first european restaurant i had been to. excluding La porchetta, archies and the italian restaurant i went to in shanghai (doesnt count.... idt)

yeah. i know right?! SHOCKING.

We got an antipasto (rofl my mum was like WHY ARE WE PAYING SO MUCH FOR A PLATE OF FOOD THAT IS JUST RANDOMLY THROWN TOGETHER) and for main I got a fucking nice steak with potato gratin, zuchinni, portebello mushrooms and caramelized onions. OHMYLORD IT WAS SO GOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!

hahaha previously when the waiter came to us with our drinks she was like "apple cider?" and i raised my hand thinking she meant apple juice but she and both Amy and my bro gave me this weird look and I was like OH WAIT LOLZ ITS ALCOHOL AND FOR MY BROTHER.

my brother drinks girly drinks HAHA.

aaaaaaaaaand on thursday i went to go watch sherlock holmes 2 in town with Marcia.

ohmygod the movie ending is so good!!! i was sitting there like :O "I CANT BELIEVE THAT JUST HAPPENED". 

just.... mind fuck.

then we went around window shopping and she was my bumgirl most of the time waiting outside my changing room hanging my clothes back on the hangers hahahahaha. I SAW THIS REALLY CUTE DRESS IN VALLEYGIRL THAT I REALLY REALLY WANTED AND WAS GOING TO BUY but then i decided not to and with the little amount of self-control i had, walked out the store.

.... only to check my eftpos balance at an atm and realise i didnt have enough money for the dress anyway.

i wont tell you how much money i have in my account right now but let me tell you.

it is BAD.

i really really didnt expect it to be that low since I only actually started using the card again in November to get birthday/xmas gifts but DAMN IT IS BAD. a whole year and a half of savings used up in 2 months. dammmmn..........

I, VICKY XU SWEAR THAT I WILL NOT USE ANY MORE MONEY FROM MY EFTPOS FROM THIS DAY ON UNTIL NOVEMBER UNLESS IT IS AN ACTUAL LIFE/DEATH EMERGENCY. I WILL ONLY DEPOSIT MONEY INTO THE ACCOUNT BUT I WILL NOT EXTRACT FROM IT. THIS WORKED LAST YEAR AND IT WILL WORK AGAIN. NO TOUCHING THE BLUE EFTPOS CARD, COMPRENDE? 

does anyone know of any job openings? :(

existential crisis

For 15 years on this earth, what do I really have to show for it? I've contributed to a heavy large dent in my parents' bank account, and I'm responsible for a significant amount of moth deaths, but other than that?

I don't have any hobbies. Well, I do, but not any that you can list down on a job application or talk about at a college interview. I write down singing, piano, reading, netball, writing, cooking, and experiencing new cultures. But that's all bullshit. I (evidently) suck at singing and have kinda given up on it now; I've stopped playing piano for more than a year; I barely read and a lot of the time it's fanfiction; I suck at netball (cough team 5); the most I write is when I write on this blog; my cooking is limited to omelets, scrambled eggs, fried eggs, pancakes, other breakfast foods, fried rice and two minute noodles; and the only country I've been to properly overseas is China (and even then, only Shanghai) and I quit Chinese and have forgotten pretty much everything I learnt over the 6 years I did lessons.

But really, what I actually should write down is blogging, watching and obsessing over TV shows and celebrities, putting useless shit up on my bedroom walls, tumblr, facebook, pretty much everything on the internet, shopping, movies and sleeping in till 4pm.

Basically, I'm a fake, a quitter and completely worthless.

Oh, don't worry, I'm not gonna jump off a bridge or anything. Nor am I depressed. I'm just, reflecting, I guess. It's constructive.

Ugh, I just feel like I haven't actually stuck to anything. I used to do Kumon, Chinese class, piano, maths class - all this crap outside school, and I dropped them all.

And now, singing. I'm kind of dropping singing. I don't mean to, it's just everytime I start singing I remind myself of the whole choir situation and I get a really shitty feeling and don't want to sing anymore. Actually, a couple nights ago, I had a dream where Ms Flint sent me an email saying that the only reason I didn't get into SA was because I forgot to fill out this huge chunk in the registration form about SA and so she couldn't place me into the choir, but if I filled it out, it'd be algoods. I actually woke up thinking it was real for a while (at the back of my head) and for the whole day I remembered I had a good dream the night before and kept trying to remember it. And when I did, I realised the whole form incident was just a dream. It sucked.

The awkward moment when your dreams are better than your reality.

I've actually been having really strange dreams lately. I had the choir dream, a zombie dream, a dream where I was on a cruise and a couple more that I can't remember right now. I'll blog about them later (does anyone actually care/read about my dreams??)

I just feel down.



I finished my CV and applied for Glassons, Cotton On, La Porchetta (Ben got me to), and McDonalds. IDK where else to apply. Glassons application was a biiiitch. It was so long and you had to do stuff like write about your 'personal style' and leave an answering machine recording for them on why you'd be good at the job.

Do you guys have any ideas where else I could apply?

Don't think I'll get hired by anything but maybe McD's. And I've already gotten two rejection emails from Queen St and Newmarket branches lol.


I wanted to do a St Johns first aid course but they cost like, $160 bucks WTAF.
I want to sign up for yoga. Or zumba. Or Karate. Or kickboxing.
Maybe proper singing lessons. Or art lessons. Definitely want to start up piano again.
Want to learn how to HTML/CSS. Or how to gif/do photo edits on tumblr. At least then my tumblring will actually be somewhat beneficial.
Really want to go volunteer somewhere. Preferably something hospital/medical related so I can get an insight into the job, yknw? Most volunteer places want +18s.
Guys have any volunteering suggestions?

Elizabeth Knox retirement home is very mainstream. haha. 








I feel so lost.















Last night I had an extreme craving for red meat. Like, foetal position "I NEED BEEEEEEF". Still want a  burger or something relevant atm but NO BEEF IN HOUSE WHAT and my mum wont let me go down to BK ugh.

wtf lol idek.







winnie your website is amazing.


+1

i guess the reality is

choir is that one thing that I've always had since I was like, in primary. I've always joined it and as much as I complain about it, I like choir and I like singing in a choir. I've always thought I was good at choir, and I thought I was good at singing.

So when you get rejected saying you're not good enough to get into choir, it's kind of a blow to the confidence gonads.

Yeah, yeah, I can still go join BWS but that's just going to be the reject choir, and if I thought this year was bad, then next year's BWS is gonna be hell, since there wont be any good people in the choir, unlike this year where there were still a couple who were pretty good.

of course, I thought i was one of the people who were pretty good.

guess not.

another thing is, choir's always there in my list of extracurriculars, and now that I havent gotten into SA, idk if i actually want to participate in BWS, so that means there won't be a choir in my extracurriculars. Even if I am in BWS, i'll just look like a pathetic little girl who can't actually sing so she has to join BWS.

and you know, I've stopped doing piano, and this is after my grade 8 exam which I only got a meager pass in, whereas now, all my friends have done grade 8 and have been getting distinctions and high distinctions and while I actually am happy for them, it makes me feel like even more of a failure.

I mean, I didn't even get into talent quest this year, so maybe I'm just getting signs left right and centre saying that I should quit singing. Spend the time and money used on it on something like piano instead.  

But I'm not good at piano either, so....

I honestly can't catch a break. Everywhere I look, I'm just not good enough. Not good enough to win Top Academic Achievement, not good enough to get into saints, not good enough at singing, not pretty enough, not tall enough, not good enough at songwriting, piano, maths, writing, tumblring, and ffs, not good enough at being a good person even.

you know how much it sucks always being second place or always being the loser?

I'm really more embarrassed than anything else about this, but being the narcissistic whore that I am, I feel the need to complain about it so that people will say "OH, DONT WORRY, YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOOD AT SINGING" or some shit like that when it's not true. So, if you think i'm seeking attention, you're probably right. (just in case u didn't think i didn't already know...)

Bottom line is:

I thought I was good at something, but apparently I'm not.

Welcome to my life.

fuck my life

just finished watching season 4 finale of supernatural.

i am sobbing and i have goosebumps all over and my heart is shattered.
how the fuck am i supposed to go to sleep WHEN THE MOTHERFUCKING APOCALYPSE JUST STARTED!?!?!

RUBY THAT LYING CONNIVING MANIPULATIVE HORRIBLE SON OF A BITCH I AM SO ANGRY.

AND I FUCKING THOUGHT THAT ANGELS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD GUYS BUT NOOOO THEY HAD TO FUCK EARTH OVER AS WELL.

and now lucifer is out but dean has to kill him cuz he swore to the angels BUT HOW THE FUCK DOES ONE KILL THE DEVIL!?!?


forever crying.


everything hurts.




this is not healthy.





(does anyone here watch supernatural? i desperately need someone to fangirl with...)

life sucks and then you die

I don't even know what to do with myself right now.
[and i realise i'm overreacting soooo much right now but this is just so... UGHHH]

my internet is capped. that's okay, i can deal with that, it's algds. THAT IS, UNTIL, I REALISE THAT CAPPED INTERNET = INABILITY TO LOAD VIDEOS

AND YOU KNOW WHAT VIDEO I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO LOAD SINCE FUCKING MAY ?! SEASON 3 EPISODE 1 OF VAMPIRE DIARIES. SINCE MOTHERFUCKING MAY. THAT'S FOUR MONTHS.


AND MY INTERNET IS FUCKING CAPPED.


WHICH MEANS I WONT BE ABLE TO WATCH IT ON FRIDAY.


I HAVE LITERALLY 
BEEN C O U N T I N G 
THE DAYS TO FRIDAY 
THE FIFTEENTH OF SEPTEMBER.
LOOKING FORWARD
TO WATCHING 
THIS 
CUNTFUCKING 
EPISODE
AND
I
AM
MOTHERSHITTING
CAPPED.




i'm pathetic. i actually broke down and started tearing up a bit. IT'S JUST THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS FOR FOUR MONTHS AND NOW ITS GONE..

IT'S ALL GONE.

inhale
exhale
inhale
exhale
inhale
exhale

i can always go to someone's house to watch it.
right?

OKAY PEOPLE, TIME TO SHOW ME IF YOU'RE REAL FRIENDS OR NOT.
DONATE YOUR HOUSES AND INTERNET FOR AN HOUR ?

t-swizzle you homewrecker.

so um, taylor swift causing drama in my house.

it all started with me, maria, cathee, and jo buying tickets to the concert. maria bought it so that we had to pay her back. and i had asked my mum about going a couple days before, and completely forgot about telling my dad cuz he wasnt home at that moment, and i didn't think we'd buy the tickets very soon, so i completely forgot about telling him.

anyway, the tickets went on sale on friday morning, and by the time friday night came, the first show had been sold out and the second show had no more allocated seats yet, so we had to buy a general admission ticket or nothing, cuz they were selling super duper fast.

and so, cuz my mum was already sweet with it, i told maria to buy it.

and here's where the shit blew up.

i told my dad later that night after he came home and he flipped his top at me cuz i was just like "um... can u write me a check for 150 to pay my friend back for a concert ticket?" and he was like WOAH SAY WUT BITCH?! well not really, but you get the idea. anyway, i got into a huge argument with him and he pretty much forbade me to go, and i was fucking pissed cuz i had asked mum and i really meant to ask him before buying but didnt have time, but he didn't listen to me at all even though i tried to convince him and tried to explain. He wouldnt give me any money to pay me back, so i decided i would just pay for myself, using the Chinese money my nans gave me for new years, which was quite a lot.

but then i worked out that i would have to cut a huge chunk out of my savings (aka, red pockets) in order to pay for the ticket, so i was like, um.... there has to be another way. especially with the fees for converting the money, i would pretty much be robbed.

so,on a whim, i texted my brother "can i borrow 70 or so dollars from you?" and he just replied "sure" and i was liek WOAH "r u being srs?" and he's like "yeah when do u need it?" and i was like omg my brother is rich wtf.

basically, if i borrowed money off my brother, i could pay back later when i had more money or when currency exchange rates went down or something. this also meant that, including the fact that maria offered to pay for $20 of my ticket as my birthday present (THANKS DING!)  my parents only had to pay $60 for me, which is only a little more than what my one of my old piano lessons cost.

i thought this was pretty reasonable, so, inspired by 'couple's retreat' i made a powerpoint presentation today after school, instead of going to the bank to exchange money.

in it, i explained why i wanted to go to taylor swift so bad; how it wasnt like, a metallica concert/drugfilled rave or anything; why her concert would be amazing; and i included a youtube clip (her sparks fly video) that included footage from her concerts to show how fucking amazing it looked. I also stated how I was going to pay them back (by doing chores - seriously, they'd appreciate that more than money.) and stuff like that.

Anyway, i practiced going thru the presentation a couple of times and i was pretty set and confidant, and felt really fucking mature and hoped that they would see it as mature adults as well.

Yeah, that didn't happen.

When my dad got home at around 10pm, I called my mum up telling her that i needed to show her something, and tried to get my dad too, who was already in bed on his laptop. He was too fucking lazy though and too fucking useless to actually give 5 minutes of his time to just LISTEN. and so i got really hurt and was really pissed and when i'm pissed, i cry, and so i tried to convince him to come but he wouldn't, so i got MORE pissed, and cried a shitton, and  ended up doing the presentation to my mum in a soft trying-not-to-cry-more voice and the presentaton didnt flow cuz i kept having to stop and compose myself, and UGH. not mature.

well, i guess she pitied me or saw how much it meant to me or whatever, cuz she complied and gave me permission and said she'd give me the money and shit, and i was bawling by that part so i didn't even feel that happy about it cuz i was exploding from tears trying to hold them in. IDK i thnk i'm pms'ing or something. or just really passionate about taylor swift.

anyway, my mum told me to show my dad the presentation, so i just put it on my laptop which is a much different effect than putting it on a big screen monitor/tv whatever. he got pissed in the middle of it and wasnt listening to my points anyway cuz he wasn't looking at the presentation and was just playing bridge on his computer. UGH.

seriously, why do parents expect you to respect them when they don't show the same respect to you? i mean, i was being fucking mature bout it kay? he started yelling and just repeating the same stupid points on why i shudnt go, even though i had already rebutted them in my presentation, and i was just like, calm, and a little teary, but calm and told him just to be open minded and listen to the rest of my points but he just goes back to his bridge and fucking doesnt listen to anything i say.

anyway, it doesnt really matter cuz my mum has agreed to it now and my dad knows about it, so i'm just let it be. my mum doesn't want me wasting money exchanging my yuan so she said that i shud just give her my yuan  and she'll give me money to pay back my brother. or something, idrk.




if the taylor swift show ends up sucking, i will be so so so utterly pissed. i'll start crying or some shit. i'm serious. all this would've been for nothing.

a rant about bloody crop tops.

okay, if you don't have a flat stomach, you really shouldn't wear crop tops.

I don't have a flat stomach, so i know NOT TO WEAR FUCKING CROP TOPS. seriously! it's common sense! it may sound mean, but you should know if you have a flat stomach or not! and if you cant see your fucking toes when you look down, YOU SHOULDN'T WEAR A CROP TOP.

i actually can't emphasize this enough. what is with these not-very-slim girls wearing them? weren't any friends there with you when you bought it? or your family? or at least the fucking sales assistant? i get that it was a trend in summer, but people should know that not all trends suit everybody.

i sound so mean saying this, but really, people who do this are retarded. Maybe they're confident about their body, which is a very good thing, but you shouldn't have a distorted view about it. Like, for example, i know I shouldnt wear tight tops or 3/4 length pants, just cuz i wouldn't look very good in them. A couple of my friends don't like wearing sleeveless tops because they think they make their arms look fat. You know what you suit and what you don't!!

But I've already seen a couple of girls on facebook who show off their belly like it's Miranda fucking Kerr's. And then their dumbass friends comment like "SEXY BELLY ____" and shit and i'm just sitting there in front of my screen like WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU.

i just don't fucking understand some people.

and this is why i blog....

um, okay. look, all of you complaining about how st cuths is a shit school, lemme tell you this.

i bet most or even all of you have never been to a low decile public school. so it really pisses me off when you talk about how shit the education is at st cuths. You've been in private school or decile 9/10 schools your whole life and you think St Cuths is shit, when really, it's an extremely good school. I consider myself lucky as hell to have gotten into st cuths, and i freaking love this school. The school is beautiful, the teachers actually care about how you do, and (most of) the people here that you're surrounded by are really good and aren't necessarily a bad influence.

I know i complain about a couple of teachers sometimes, but its only because I don't think that they're good enough teachers considering we pay so much on school fees. They're still a heck of a lot better that some teachers I've had before in other schools. In year 8, after my first day at St Cuths, I said to my dad in the car on the way home "I actually learnt something today". In year 7, I literally learnt NOTHING at all the whole year, because of the teachers only teaching material suitable for the lowest ability group in our class, since they were the majority (as horrible as that sounds)

I'm actually so frustrated right now I am near tears. Tears of freaking frustration. You people complaining about St Cuths and wanting to leave it are so. damn. stuck up. You are taking what you have for granted. You complain about not learning anything in St Cuths, but really, it's not the teachers fault, its YOURS for barely putting any effort in. The teachers here are actually really good and they teach you based on your abilities. That said, the teacher can't do the work for you. You can't expect to get through life being spoon fed.

You take all the resources St Cuths supply for you for granted. We have really good facilities compared to some other schools, and really great extracurriculars. seriously, the extracurriculars at st cuths could be one of the best things about this school, in my opinion. I don't think your time spent in school is just about studying and passing tests. I think school is a time for getting to know yourself and the things you're good at, and giving everything a try, because there's not much to lose. School is a time for you to find out who you are and making yourself a cultured, good person, which is why st cuths puts such an emphasis on service since school is a time to train you to become the person you want to be when you're older. the thing about AIC is, (and the principal himself said this) they don't care about your extracurriculars - they only focus on your studies and your test results, which means that after you graduate, you haven't really gotten your full experience in school.

You complain about the silly school rules that St Cuths has, like, needing to tie up your hair, wear blazers, not wear cardigans, no earrings, and all i can say to this is: YOU ARE FUCKING RETARDED. and i mean that in the nicest way possible. Are you seriously using those reasons as an excuse? were you hoping to convince me by using THOSE reasons? You can't fucking BEAR having to tie your hair up, wear your blazer, not wear your cardigan or earrings for SIX HOURS A DAY, five times a week, for only part of the year? for EIGHTEEN HOURS a day, all weekends, and all of the holidays, you can wear your hair however you like, forget about your blazer and wear all the motherfucking cardigans and earrings you want. and thats for five years. ONLY FIVE YEARS OUT OF THE AVERAGE LIFE SPAN OF 80 YEARS. suck it up and dont you dare use it as an excuse. it doesnt prevent you from being individual. you think you express your individuality through your clothes? PUHLEASE. you buy your clothes from supre, glassons, cotton on, or etc much like the rest of the 70% of the teenage girl population. Your clothes dont express your fucking individuality. and like i said before. wear whatever you want for the rest of your life, cuz its only six hours a day for five years.

I dont really want to say anything about cambridge because really, there isnt much to talk about. You're so set on how cambridge is soooo much better than ncea that you are completely blinded by your ignorance. Cambridge isn't necessarily better than NCEA. Cambridge syllabus hasn't been updated in like, a fucking century, and the teaching style is outdated. You're just hearing what other people are saying about Cambridge and deciding that it's better than NCEA, when really, you haven't looked at any facts. St Cuths is a really really fucking good school for NCEA since we get some of the highest scores in the country, so I have no idea why you're complaining about NCEA, since there are tonnes of people who do NCEA and graduate from St Cuths and become very very successful.



Okay I think I'm done.

glasses and gore

oh, so here's some depressing news.

went to the optometrist. i have astigmatism in one eye (meh google it) so the optometrist said i have to wait until i get my glasses before i can get my license, instead of being able to take a certificate to AA and have it done, like i was told. Glasses take 5- 10 working days. In 7 working days, It'll be august 1st and thats when the new law on the driving age is implemented, which means that if i dont get my glasses in 7 working days, I've wasted 200 and something bucks on glasses, 90 bucks on the learners test, and will have to wait another whole frickin year to get my learners.

so, well. yeah.

fuck my fucking life.

the receptionist lady there was so so nice! she was hilarious haha. she marked my order as 'urgent' and said she'd keep me updated with texts and stuff.

i've got a really boring pair of glasses haha. they're really simple ones with thin frames cuz i dont think i suit thick frames. i was gonna get those geek-chic ones that are pretty popular atm but i though they stood out too much in my face and i didn't really suit them either.

i'm trying not to think about the glasses/learners license situation too much. too depressing :(


i'm watching black hawk down right now. oh my golly gosh so many people die in this movie. so much blood! is it really really sick that i kinda like the blood and gore shit? i guess i like movies that force a reaction from me, whether its tears or a disgusted face haha. i think i'm also like, desensitizing myself to gross spillage of blood for later when i become a surgeon :)

basically, you could say i've been having a pretty shitty week.

I don't even want to talk about it.

ugh, everythings falling to pieces!!!

i think i failed my maths graph test on friday - as in, actual NA fail, not "oh i'm asian hey look i got an M, my life is over" kinda fail. i'm just hoping i don't get moved down a class...

i had a pretty big argument with a friend, which i'm feeling pretty bad about but i'm too stubborn and wussy (and tbh, exhausted) to say anything.

i found out that maria's changing schools (WTF) and found out today that like, the majority of the asian group are going to be changing schools as well!? (WTFWTF?!) 

my dad flipped his shit on me and now i'm just ignoring him cuz i'm still pissed that he got all angus at me.

and tomorrow my grandmas coming from China to live with us. .... yay. -_-" (i know thats a horrible reaction but ughh, i love her, really.)

lets play a game on listing all the shitty emotions Vicky has felt for the past... hmmm... five days?

rejection, replacement, betrayal, being left behind, not having anyone believe in me, anger, sadness, uselessness, desperation, shock, regret, disgust, hopelessness, boredom, panic, laziness, dread, bitterness.

is that all?

probably not.

but i have a feeling i'm boring you anyway with my pathetic, sad blogging.

what else do you expect from a pathetic sad girl?

i think i might bake cookies tomorrow.

pathetic whinging and a happy fucking birthday to me.

I get that my reason for being so miserable atm is extremely petty and not at all a big issue, but to me it is, and i know it's such a stupid thing to be so upset about, but I can't really help it. Yeah, I know that people around the world are starving and homeless and orphaned, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be upset about things that make me upset, even though they're really stupid things that even I know are things that sound incredibly shallow and superficial and just, not worth my time. So, just bear with me while you read this, mmkay?

I don't even know what's going on with me right now. I spent all of yesterday and today being depressed as fuck and like a zombie. I think it's mainly because my birthday's coming up on Tuesday and really, i'm not excited at all. It's actually really weird.

Every year, my birthday is always a big thing to me. I always have a party, and when i was little, i would start planning my party two months before my actual birthday. I don't know if it's just me growing up, or whatever but this year it just doesn't feel very special. My parents, my brother - they never consider their birthday to be a big event, and probably wouldn't even mention it if it wasnt for me making a big deal of it. This year, I acutally completely forgot about my birthday, and it was my brother who reminded me. I guess one of the reasons I'm really dreading my birthday is that I always put it on such a high pedestal, as in, I always want the day to be perfect. Call me self centered, but to me, my birthday is the one day it's about me, and I feel like I HAVE to have fun on that day. So, when I don't have fun that day, it just makes it THAT much shittier.

Another reasons i'm feeling really depressed is that I have this bitch of a pimple on my nose. (This may be TMI, but whatever, cuz nobody reads my blog anyway and it's basically just a ranting space.) Anyway, it just appeared out of nowhere Friday night, and I actually was THIS close from bursting into tears cuz it is huge and swollen and makes my nose look gigantic. it's like, one of those really deep pimples? like, not a bump above the skin but like, a big swollen bitch. and it really really hurts. and yesterday, i let my mum acupuncturize me because i was so desperate for it to go away (i dont want the picture on my learners license to be a picture of me as rudolf the fucking red nose reindeer). Anyway, in order to make it go away she had to do a couple of points that she warned me would hurt quite a bit, so i was like D: fuck, oaky, just make it go away. I was just so fucking miserable that when she did them, even though they didn't hurt that much, I just bawled my eyes out. For like, twenty minutes. Full out sobbing. I dont even.... know. Argh. Plus, it made me have a major headache, so, yay (!) my day just got that much better.
-______-"

I was arranging to go out with my group on my birthday after school, because I don't really want to spend the day alone and being a sad antisocial gayfuck, and we were going to watch Transformers 3 cuz i'm really extremely excited for it. Anyway, turns out that only one person can make it.

Srsly, wtf.

I don't even care about presents this year. I'm not having a party, I don't really give a fuck. I SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH ME. I reorganized the movie thing so that it was on saturday, so hopefully more people can go, but no ones replied yet and it's just making me even more depressed.

And i'm not having a cake...? I've never had a birthday where I haven't had a cake before. I guess I could just buy a random cake. And stick a couple of candles on it. A birthday without candles isn't a birthday at all.

Maybe I'll take a cake to school on Tuesday.

/shrug.

I'm not a bad person, I don't think. But

Sometimes I want to stop being nice.

To say what I really thought of people to their faces, and be completely honest and blunt.

Sometimes, I don't even want to be honest, I just want to say mean things, and let it all out. I could only imagine the relief that would bring, to be able to just not care about what other people think of you, for people to call you a complete bitch, without you giving a fuck.

I wonder what it would feel like to be a bully. To just shoot people down, disregarding their feelings or that they're a real person.

Admit it, you'd want to as well. If you had the chance, could get away with it, and have the victim completely forget what you just said to them, you'd do it.

What's stopping us? The guilt, our morals?

What morals?

I have no morals.

I lie, cheat, lust, hate, covet. I'm prideful, slothful, greedy, rageful, gluttonous. I don't even flinch at the word murder anymore. I like vampires, stories about mafia. Reading about killing, and desensitizing myself on the topic of murder. It's so wrong. What morals?

So I guess it's the guilt.

I've thought about it a bit. There are people I pick on sometimes more than others . Not too badly - I just treat them as annoying little brothers or sisters. I can imagine how they must feel though. That's why I don't take it one step further. It could easily happen, though. One day I might just snap and feel as if I don't want to hold back anymore.

It'd be easy.

Like breathing.

Just goes to show what a terrible person I am. Deep down. I was raised with pretty shit values, to be honest. But I'm not just gonna blame it on that. I don't know if it's just me who feels like this, though.

Haven't you had this scenario in your head?

You're talking with someone you'd rather not talk to. They're irritating you, and you want them to just leave you alone.  You say "look, I never liked you, and I never will. You're annoying, you're not funny, and you're a bitch. You piss me off everytime you talk to me, and I wish you would just stay the fuck away."

Obviously, the swearing is for added 'meanness' effect.

If we could do the 'compulsion' thing that vampires in TVD can do, we wouldn't have so many things we wanted to say bottled up inside. You could blurt it all out, see their hurt reaction, and erase it from their memory. it's win- win, isn't it?

I guess it's okay to be a liar, if you're doing it to protect other people's feelings. It's okay to be fake, because it means no one gets hurt.

Just wait for that day where we all explode- a kaleidoscope of false compliments and saying what you don't mean - erupting into a bright light in the sky.

labels and loyalty

sometimes i really hate labels, you know? especially if a day comes when that label doesnt define what you are with that person anymore and it's a negative change. I used to have a best friend AAAGES ago, and it would be weird if she were reading this, but we drifted apart. we didn't talk for about three years... at all! but for some reason she still thought we were best friends, which of course, was awkward, because I had kinda already replaced her. It sounds bad, but it's the harsh reality. you can't call someone your 'best' friend when you're practically strangers.

i realised today that i value loyalty. and reliability, i guess? i feel kind of awkward writing this, because I dont want any of it to come back and bite me in the ass, like, when i wrote how i felt in a situation about a year ago in a blogpost and it was brought up in a recent argument. but yeah, i was pretty hurt today. you know when you kinda expect to always partner up with somebody, and then you realise that NO ONE (including that person) wants to partner up with you? And you're just standing there, all frickin rejected and shit, awkwardly waiting for a partner. writing this, i kinda just had an epiphany that i treat one of my friends this exact way. in our class, we're a friendship group of three, and we always have to partner up, which leaves the other girl alone. that's pretty selfish of me, come to think of it. i was pretty selfish today as well. i didn't care what happened to the other people, i just wanted it to happen my way. sorry, i'm trying to be as vague as i can atm. like i said... future bite marks in the ass suck. anyway, i also realised that when it comes to a situation when someone just doesn't want to partner up with you - like they look away and change the subject when you ask them- that there really isn't any point in forcing them to go with you. like i learnt today, it's not fun when they're your forced partner. it's awkward and it's just stupid. fuck it, i'm worth more than that. really, if you don't want to be with me (lol that sounds so bf/gf but its not), if you prefer someone else to me, then i'm not gonna force you to change your mind. from now on, do what you want to do, because this label we stuck on our friendship apparently doesnt actually mean anything to you, like it does to me, then i'm not gonna continue calling us that anymore. but you know what? this totally applies to bf/gf's too. admittedly, i dont have much experience on the subject (lol i hate my life) but girls, if the guys not interested, dont force yourself on them! if he likes you, he'll text you back, kay? it's easier said than done though. you're too caught up in how great this guy is, how you're so perfect for each other, [or in my situation: how you're so hurt that you're being replaced and (deep down) you want to prove that you're more fun than that other person] that you forget to keep your dignity intact (although, luckily, there are always friends there to tell you just to stop frickin texting him!)


.... changing the subject,

.... i've barely started studying.


OHHHHHMYYGOOODDDD III AMMMM SOOOO FUUUCKKKEEEDDDDDDDD.

long as -

- fuck.


just kinda feel like writing right now. just gonna write about anything that comes to my mind, so... yeah.

well, we got our exam timetables today, so that's exciting (!) I've got social studies on tuesday morning, french in the afternoon, nothing on wednesday, science on thursday morning, english on friday morning and art on friday afternoon. 4 day weekend after that though! i havent actually started studying yet, which... is bad. i guess. fuck im tired.

i had a basketball game today, which i wasn't actually planning on going to, but they were short on players and i thought i didnt have a ride but turns out that the school van sends us back as well. huh, someone couldve told me earlier. I guess i played better than expected for my first time ever playing a proper basketball game, considering i was expecting to like, never touch the ball once and just feel real shit. maybe i was just in a positive mood or something, idk. it was pretty fun, even though i was running around so much that i cud taste blood in my mouth. i had netball training right before the game, and got pulled out of it to go to basketball, which was like, stressful and tiring. fuck, im always so tired nowadays. meilin was running up and down the court like a speeding bullet haha.

so, vampire diaries episode. WHO WATCHED IT? spoilers ahead, btw. okay, how fucking crazy was that episode? i was legit sobbing my eyes out, noisily. i feel so damn sorry for elena and jeremy - everyone that looked after them/parental figures died! when jeremy said "i still have you" to elena i was like ADFPAKSDL;FAKSLDKFSDF MY CREYYSS!! and at the funeral scene, it was same reaction times 10. dear  john (gilbert) - RESPECT MAN. RESPECT FOR YOU. and poor jenna :( her death was unnecessary. ELIJAH U MOFO UR WORD MEANS NOTHING ANYMORE.

new fave song:

she's only 14! and her song got onto the vampire diaries soundtrack. INSPIRED.

lol me and joanna are doing a duet thingy for fun and later for the talent quest with this song:

i really suck at it. im doing a harmony haha. i suck at harmonies.

i'm reading to junior school kids at lunchtimes this year as my librarian duty! yaaaay!!! funnest job ever! 

speaking of reading, right now i'm reading unbearable lightness by portia de rossi. have i already mentioned this in a previous blog post? idk, but its really good. i have to read it on my computer though cuz i'm like, number 94 on the waiting list at auckland public libraries for it, and the book is like 40 bucks. fml. i'm also reading we need to talk about kevin but i'm not really into it. i thought it'd be nineteen minutes-esquey but so far its just kevins mother writing random, unrelated shit that i dont care about to her ex husband. GET TO THE KILLING! 

i was having a good day today until i got to maths and suddenly, i got real moody. like, hungover moody and everyone seemed to be pissing me off and talking really loud and i was like I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE WITHOUT DOING MATHS. but then maths ended and i was fine again LOL WTF.

WE'RE DOING PAINTING TMRW IN ART ZOMG IM SO EXCITED! I DONT EVEN KNW WHY I'M EXCITED BECAUSE NOW IM PROBLY GONNA PAINT SHIT, BUT WHATEVS CUZ PREVIOUS PAINTINGS OF WHAT WE'RE DOING LOOK REALLY COOL SO IM REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT YAY.

oh yeah, and on like, monday, i gave my tie to yujie for scholars assembly and then she gave it to joanna who gave it to lizzi and lizzi totally forgot to give it to me the whole period that we had art together that day, and today she gives me this manky, been-in-the-wash fuzzy one that DEFINITELY isnt mine. i dont even see how  she gave me the wrong tie? like, bro, how can that even be accidental? why wud u even take it out of ur bag.... not exactly i can go up to her and say "YOU STOLE MY TIE AND GAVE ME UR OLD ONE GRRRR" so, yeah. LIZZI IF UR READING THIS I WANT MY BLOODY TIE.

oh, and for my brothers birthday, i gave him 20 bucks that was tucked in this little open evenlopey thing i made that i made into a shape of a t-shirt and it had a label saying hallensteins (cuz hes a manager at hallensteins)  and "$20 off!" cuz i gave him 20 bucks haha. and on the tshirt it was like "happy birthday! i know i annoy you a lot but that's cuz im ur little sister and its in the manual". i also went to his uni graduation which was incredibly boring and kinda like school prize giving but better cuz i didnt have to behave or sit still and i cud play on my phone :)

okay its 11 and i have choir tmrw. raaaaaaaaah choir. even though i dont like going to the practices and dread it, i always feel pretty happy after choir cuz i like singing, so it lifts my mood! this year, im doing basketball, netball, badminton, choir, debating, rezo, duke of ed, and librarian this year and i really enjoy all of em except for debating. XD it means im always really busy though... :/ and maybe duke of ed, but the service stuff so far have been pretty fun. i went on sunday to waiheke to weed and shit with jade (HI JADE, IF UR READING THIS!) and cathee and quite a few other people. i'm pretty happy cuz i made friends with new people and we were all acting like dicks (as jade puts it) and made a 'super six!' group (cuz there were six of us). lol yeah. haha, everytime i pulled out a big weed with a big root, i'd be like, VICKY THE CONQUERER!!! and hurled it into the bushes XDD. soon enough, a couple of people started following my trend LOL

OKOKOKOKOK GOING TO SLEEP NOW. TIREEEDDD! been 45 minutes of writing haha. practically a fucking essay. english teacher wud be proud....

... maybe not.

"Hi this is sue....

... from the plastic surgery department. We hear you have made an appointment for a chin reduction. Is this true? Okay thank you."

LOL FUCK BRO YOU'RE HILARIOUS. HAHA. Thing is, I already get that shit from my friends all the time, so if you want to actually come up with something insulting, you're welcome to prank call me again.


Lol so fuck you cuz I know my lifes great. I got a family who love me, I have a warm bed and a roof above my head. I like my eyes and my hair and I bet I'm more talented than you and I'm a much nicer person too because I don't go around calling people up and leaving shitty (and pretty pathetic attempts of) hate messages, cause I'm confidant about myself, and I don't need to bring others down in order to entertain myself. Every night, I can think of lists and lists of good things that happened to me that day. I go to school, get good grades and have good friends. You can tease me about my chin all the fuck you want and it doesn't even bother me anymore, cuz like you said, I'm getting a 'chin reduction' soon, and I've gone through primary, intermediate and a year of high school with this chin, and the the jokes dont even faze me anymore.

So yeah, I REALLY hope you read this, whoever you are, and I hope you realize how stupid and pathetic you are. What if I was someone who didn't have a good life, and I checked my voicemail to hear that? What if I had problems at home, problems with myself? What if I was really self concious about myself, and I heard that? What if I had had a really bad day, got home and heard that? Do you ever think of the consequences behind your actions? What if I seriously hurt myself, or committed suicide, with your message being the last straw? Would you be able to live with that? With the fact that because one saturday night, you got bored, prank called a random girl from your friends contact list, and she ended up dead because of you?

It's not funny.

Oh, btw, I don't even know why you were bored enough to call me tonight. Did you see what was on TV? Bridget Jones Diary and 2nd to last episode of America's Next Top Model!! I had to constantly flip between channels to watch each. You missed out man.

too busy to be busy but still incredibly lazy.

i really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really reeeeaaalllyyy need to start on my holiday homework.

^ i didnt even  copy and paste that shit. SEE WHAT LENGTHS I HAVE TO GO TO WHEN I PROCRASTINATE.

It's like, I actually feel SICK when i think about how much homework I have to do. My legs get all numb and I do that weird body shiver thing. And I KNOW how freakin screwed I am but I seriously cannot bring myself to do it.

OMG KILL ME.


Slept over at Marias last night with Reb. OMG BECCA'S DOGS SO CUTE OMG I WANT TO STEAL IT AND PAT THE SHIT OUT OF IT.
.... Yeah that didnt come out right.


they didnt like remember me :(

Last song was better than i expected lol. Mainly cuz of liam hemsworths shirtlessness. yeeah boy.

omg i really want to read unbearable lightness by portia de rossi. i read like, the first 5 chapters online and i reeeally like it. and plus, its a memoir, so hopefully that falls under autobiography for reading log? i went to the public libraries and reserved it and apparently I'm the 93rd person on the waiting list.

yeah, so, i cant wait to read it.....

.... in 2015. =.="


i completely fail with the whole 30 day song challenge thing. omg, i just can't even think about that right now.

AND I HAVE TO MAKE SUEYEONS CARD AND DO THE CHINESE CINDERELLA ASSIGNMENT AND READ WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN AND WRITE A REPORT ABOUT IT AND FINISH MY ART ANIMATION AND WRITE MY FRENCH SPEECH AND DO MY SOCIAL STUDIES PRODUCT STORY THING AND REARRANGE MY POSTERS ON MY WALL AND TRANSFER EVERYTHING FROM MY OLD LAPTOP TO MY NEW ONE AND OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

i need a personal assistant.


any volunteers?




lol u knw when you hear someone say something and it's a song lyric and you start singing it but no one knows what the fuck youre on about? yeah.
whenever someone says  "back up" - forever and always piano version ,taylor swift
"i'll be back!" -  i'll be back, 2pm
... there are others but i can't remember them at the moment. LOL NO ONE CARES ANYWAY.

IMO

Glee is retarded. Just, ugh. IDK whether its just got worse or if I've just realised, but everytime I watch it and they start singing I'm just like ugh omgggg embarrasing... They just randomly break out into song and you can hear the autotune so clearly and it just doesnt sound natural and it's so awkward and I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE ARE OBSESSED WITH IT.


Sorry if I offended any gleeks out there with this post, but I'm watching it right now and Sam just started singing baby and i was like "I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!"


in other news....

Lower stomach exercises ^. do em when you wake up and right before you go to sleep. I'm going through another "I'm going to get healthy!" phase. I was actually doing pretty well until I went to China haha. So....

• Drink min. 2 bottles of water a day
• Do min. 30 minutes of exercise every day
• Be in bed by 11:30.
• No sweets or chips, but chocolate is allowed occaisonally
• Eat fruit and veges instead of other junk food as often as possible. And no greasy food from tuckshop.

Okay, seriously, everytime someone on glee does the darn hair flick, i retch out loud.

I have my dads stomach :( 

But like, to a much lesser extent. If you ever saw his belly, you'd know what I mean. It's so depressing. I have my dad's mum's calves (FML), I have my dad's eyebrows, I have my dad's lips, I have my mums eyes, I have my dad's temper, I have my mum's body shape, I have my mums feet and her hands. Je ne sais pas why I wrote all that down. 

I have  a french test on Monday. I'm so screwed.

Rachel Berry's singing voice bugs me. 

Sorry for being a bitch to you....? I can't help it for some reason. I don't actually know what's going on with me :(

Whiny bitch.

This post is basically me being a little bitch and complaining about shit that I should be grateful for. Don't read if it will irritate you and make you want to comment "stop moaning blahblahblah". Please don't. Seriously, I'm kinda pissed atm. You will not help.


So. I am currently using my new laptop. It's the Toshiba M750 and its screen can swivel and become a tablet. My dad just randomly bought it and came home with it yesterday. I think, tbh, I was kinda disappointed, cuz I just wanted the one that the school told us to get, cuz obviously, they told us to get that one for a reason. I mean, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but, yeah. Plus, we'll have to pay an extra $600 for school installation, but my dad insists that because it's a Toshiba Portege, we won't have to. And he's like "If we do have to pay for installation for this computer, I'll just buy you the recommended laptop" as if we're made of money or something, which I know for a fact we definitely aren't.

Sigh, I guess at first I really liked this computer, but now that I've used it for a while, I'm really starting to hate it. First of all, the screen quality is really unclear and all the colours dont come up very well. My brother says this is because the screen is a touch screen, but seriously, it's a lot harder to read text on this computer cuz everythings blurry. The computer is also really thick, and this will be incredibly inconvenient for me cuz I need to put the laptop in my bag, along with all my books, and then there wont really be much space left. The actual screen is also half a cm less (on each side) than my macbook. It might not sound like much, but it really makes a difference, there's just a thick-ass border around the screen. The camera can't detect ANYTHING in the dark. I mean, like, with a lamp or something on. It just takes photos of BLACK. It's pretty crap in daylight too. The mouse pad is really close to the keyboard, so when I'm typing, my hand will brush up against the touchpad and the mouse will jump to some random other place. One thing that also really bothers me is that it doesn't have the play/pause/skip/fastforward/etc buttons like on the mac, so whenever i want to pause a song or whatever, i have to go into itunes. The volume key, disc, whatever swivelly thing it is, is at the front edge of the laptop, meaning that if i lean too close to the laptop, i'll brush against it, and the volume will go up/down.

And the biggest thing of all. IT'S NOT A MAC. I didn't realise how much i preferred macs before I had to deal with this windows shit. I'm really unfamiliar with windows. So, on a mac, if you want to transfer songs from, lets say, a usb stick, you just drag the songs from the usb stick into itunes, and it automatically saves it into itunes. THIS SHIT DOESNT HAPPEN IN WINDOWS. Basically, I discovered after around an hour of trial and error, for me to put songs into my itunes (i downloaded it), I have to drag the songs into the itunes folder in windows explorer, then, from that folder, highlight the songs (only 15 at a time), right click, 'play', and wait for them to copy. then repeat. WHHHHYYYY. To make matters worse, I lost my 32 gig usb in china, so now i have to use an 4 gig one that only has 600 and something mgs left in it and keep going back and forth between computers.

Does anyone know how to minimize windows? It was command-M on macs and I tried ctrl/fn/window/alt M but they all dont work :(


I guess, the good thing about this computer would be the touch screen/tablet. Thing is, I probably won't even use it that much. I'm not an artist or anything, and the writing feature is really inconvenient (although, cool). I guess it'd be useful for reading fanfic, but I can't think of anything else. I also like how all the applications open so quickly, unlike on mac, where I have to wait an eternity for microsoft word to load. Im still not used to exiting the windows and not being in that application anymore, because on mac you have to actually quit out of the application for it to close. This laptop is also REALLY quiet and doesnt heat up at all cuz according to my brother it doesn't have a fan like other computers but has some kinda chip? IDK, i wasn't really paying attention but that's why this computer is really expensive.

I wasn't actually THAT down on my laptop until I hung out with reb, meilin and rach today and I told them about me getting the computer and they started saying shit about my laptop, even though the stuff they were saying were untrue (they said my kinda laptops get really hot and the fans are loud as. plus, when I said that it didn't, they were like, "use it for a while and you'll see". FFS, DO I OWN THE LAPTOP OR DO YOU? plus, just cuz your dad owns a laptop that can turn into a tablet too, doesn't mean its the same laptop.) I mean, it wasn't even that big a deal but I already wasn't liking my laptop that much, and now its just worse.


THIS COMPUTER DOESN'T EVEN HAVE DICTIONARY. OMG. JUST. OMG. GOD.
It has paint though. I like paint. BUT THAT STILL DOESNT MAKE UP FOR NOT HAVING DICTIONARY.

the bird

this morning i woke up and realised:
i've been flipping people off wrong. :O

I've always done it this way:

 And it always felt weird cuz my finger would like, bend back cuz its double jointed. And then, i woke up and just, had like, some fucking epiphany that it was actually like this:

anyway. I don't know why i blogged this.

I'm SOOOOO regretting how i was so closeminded when I was shopping around in Shanghai. Now when I look back, there were quite a lot of clothes that were pretty cool. I actually saw a jersey like this:

except with the union jack instead of that on it and contemplated buying it, but decided against it. REGREEETT.

also remember seeing these tops:

RAAAAWWWRRR > <