family

the concept of family is this interesting and odd puzzle that is really quite hard to define. i think it's ambiguity really stems from the fact that no two families are the same, and sometimes (as bobby singer off supernatural famously said) "family don't end with blood".

For example, in my family, we're a pretty unapologetic bunch. We never really deliver heartfelt 'i'm sorry's or even talk about our past arguments where heated words were exchanged. Never. It's obviously rather unhealthy but I guess it works for us. I can have a huge falling out with my dad, and not talk to him for three days and completely avoid his existence, but things will inevitably be forgiven and forgotten after those couple of days and we'll return to normal. Is that a normal thing among families? I wouldn't know, since my family is the only family I have right now.

I guess that's not really true though, depending on your definition of the word 'family'. Your close friends can be your family, too. However, you can still be a part of a family even if the group of people involved are complete strangers to you. You don't have to like them, you don't have to trust them, but they may still be your relatives and thus, your family.

I just finished reading 'Room' by Emma Donoghue (I had read half of it earlier this term and had to return it since it was overdue, but got it out again) and in the novel, the theme of family (especially between mother and child) was pretty predominant, along with the themes of childhood and other existentialist shit like "what's really real" and whether our idea of 'normal' is only normal because it's what we've lived with and been exposed to for our whole lives etc etc but yeah, whatever, read the book and you'll get what I mean since I don't really want to explain the whole plotline tbh

I am an ordinary girl with no extraordinary qualities, constantly complaining over cliched problems, maintaining an average life amidst a middle-class home

Once a friend told me, in a fit of passion - or rather, petulance - that my personality was nothing but a smorgasbord of clumsy experiences and a mimicry of unfit role models.

She said my humour was not my own. My way of speaking and my unusual overconfidence was something I had learnt from having a childhood with other decile-three school students. She said that all I did was imitate bits of everyone around me in order to create the being that I am.

And when she said this (obviously, not in the same words), I was offended - taken aback. How dare she accuse me of being a phony; a copy; a replica of people that had influenced me in my short life?

In return, I spat insults and threw hurtful words because she had gotten under my skin. I realised she was right. I was nothing but everything around me.

But aren't we all? Why is that something I needed to be ashamed about? What am I without the family that raised me, the friends I make, the media I entertain myself with, and the adventures I endeavour.

I still remember this argument, as long ago as it was. But now I'm not offended, mainly because there was no reason why it should be offending. Why be ashamed of my character being moulded from my environment and my living? How is that insulting, in any way?

Because you try think about each and every aspect of your personality, whether it's a good aspect or a not-so-good one. All of it can be credited to something or someone in your life.You don't wholly own any part of your identity.

But, I guess I just want to say, that's okay. Neither do I.

sorry for neglecting you

Jeez I feel like the only times I update this blog is when I'm feeling really angsty or some shit and then blurt out stupid emotional stuff.

.... which I later delete because I realise how stupid I am.

So I realised a more productive way to release pent up frustrations and anger is through a rage journal (like, a real paper journal) where I can actually use names and then burn it/destroy it later on HOW POETIC

I went to do the Motuihe volunteer work today and it was pretty good. I've decided that these things are quite nice because I always get to socialise with people I don't usually talk to, like at waiheke and at whitford. Mainly we just potted seedlings and i somehow avoided doing work that involved going out in the wind and rain woohoo

this is a really uneventful post omg sorry

batman was amazing
i started crying at joseph gordon levitt's bit at the end and then i just kept on sobbing and when the credits started to roll i could not stop and was just in hysterics crying curled up in foetal position and meilin was sitting next to me and she was crying so hard too and we were both just weeping and i actually couldn't get myself to stop and gain composure and this went on for a couple of minutes.

sat classes start tomorrow and my book hasnt arrived in the mail and im really pissed about it argh

hmmm um on the last day of school last term i went to flight of the conchords with steph, mei, and cherry. it was hilarious, of course. I'm one of those really annoying people who laugh super loud at everything and basically piss all over themselves...

uhhhh watched brave with sueyeon on the first monday of the holidays. was a really good movie! wanted to hug my mum afterwards hahaha. sueyeon then went to tonga for missionary work on wednesday which i'm so jealous of because I would LOVE to do volunteer work overseas (not missionary work though since I'm not christian and that would be weird...)

went shopping with lizzi on wednesday and went to all these different stores and felt average feels about all the dresses... and then went to valleygirl and got like 8 potential dresses HOLLA

i am the worst person to go shopping with, honestly. I take so long to get changed into them, and then decide if they're really worth it, and most of the time I just don't buy any of the 10 pieces of clothing I have in the changing room. YOLO

Thursday was my birthday, of course.

On friday I watched amazing spiderman AND ARGH ANDREW GARFIELD IS THE ULTIMATE LIFE RUINER SERIOUSLYYYYYYYYYYY i am so obsessed with him. mentioning his name to me will reduce me to fangirl tears. no joke. he is so perfect. it hurts me. i love him so much omg

went to the pediatrist on tuesday and he suggested for me to go get better sports shoes. end up in dressmart with mum and bought the shoes, two jumpers and a bag.... oops. I can't remember if the shoes were over $200 or if everything altogether was over $200 but uh yeah.

also I saw yujie there HI YUJIE

then went to go watch snow white and the huntsman with meilin and ran into emmy lmao. sigh speaking of swath, i have so many opinions over kristen stewart cheating on robert pattinson for the director of swath, mainly bcz tbh i dont think it's quite fair how everyone's just calling her a slut like wow guys how is that helping the equality between the sexes when you are just namecalling her with these derogatory, misogynistic insults and you don't really blame any shit on rupert sanders WHO HAS TWO KIDS AND A WIFE and honestly should know better...? like, yeah, kristen is to blame but it takes two to tango yknw. at least give rupert some shit too...

uhhh went to watch ted on friday of 2nd week. that shit is cray cray. 50 SHADES OF CRAY (sorry i just love that saying so much)

then i did nothing on the last week of holidays because i was supposed to do holiday homework but i really really didn't....

i really don't know why I'm blogging when I have so much to do. this weekend i was supposed to:

• study maths for graphs internal on WEDNESDAY
• finish one art final painting by tomorrow
• do my motherfucking p.e 1.4 unit WHICH IS A WHORE
• practice for talent quest
• practice for choir (nationals in wellington is in 15 days omfg!!!!!!)
• start to learn speech and drama pieces 

NOPE DONE NOTHING NONE AT ALL WOW I SUCK

art is getting so intense. we're beginning to do boards now. i really wish i didn't lose my photograms because now I have awkward spaces in my board :(

also why do I suck at time management WHYYYYYYY

also this is the song i thought i might do for talent quest however I'm pretty sure my singing teacher disapproves so now idk what song to do

also when i watched batman i spent the first 10 minutes of it sitting on the ground because I was scared there would be a shooting (and we were at the front right near the fire exit)

also did you know that 3 guys who died in the colorado massacre were protecting their girlfriends from gunfire and they literally took a bullet for them. that makes me want to cry srsly

also ball photos make me want to kms

also not looking forward to ball next year because I have no possibilities for a date, no money, no good body for a ball dress, no boobs, and probably braces....

also i'm going to fail mocks

also physics is the bane of my existance

also which subject trip/exchange should i take

also

butts

you know what's scary to think about?

the fact that in two or so more years, I will have graduated from high school.

That's terrifying.

After having 11 years of structure and consistency, what are you supposed to do once you're out of high school? Sure, you can go to university, but then once you graduate from university, then you're faced with the same dilemma.

People go through life like it's this planned routine. You're born, you go to kindergarden, primary, intermediate, high school, and all through this time, you have the luxury of someone else making your decisions - sure, it's not much freedom, but it's also not much responsibility. If your life screws up somehow when you're a kid, none of it will really be your fault. You can always blame your parents for not raising you right.

Then you graduate high school. Now what? Go to university for four years, maybe get a masters, or a doctorate, which is another four years. You're 26/27 now. Quarter life crisis?

Get a job, work 9-5 everyday. Meet someone through a mutual friend. Fall in love, get married, have 2.5 kids and buy a house.

Watch your kids grow taller, watch yourself grow older, watch your bank account sink even deeper into the negative zone.

And then one day your kids go off and live their own lives too, and your partner of 50 years will pass away and you will go to sleep at night in a too-big bed, living in a too-big house, and in those seconds before you fall asleep, you briefly wonder how your life has passed you with a blink of an eye and you wonder how you forgot about your dream to be a rockstar or a fireman or a princess or a doctor when you were 5. You think to yourself how somehow your life slipped through your fingertips and you're always just so tired and lonely and this wasn't the way it was supposed to turn out.

And lets face it, you may or may not live past your life expectancy but eventually, you succumb to old age or disease or some sort of tragedy and you're gone. Vanished, dust and part of the earth that you were once made up of. The only thing left is what others perceive of you, because it's not like you won any awards or achieved fame or fortune to leave behind.

At your funeral or your wake, people will reminisce about their favourite memories with you and they'll say "S/he lived such a full life."

But you didn't. You didn't live your full life at all.














so uh yeah i just came here to say i'm a little worried about graduating in a couple years nbd

i just thought it was time for a good ramble

one thing that makes me super happy and brightens the fuck out of my day is when there are totally clear blue skies with no clouds in sight.

just thought you should know.




my friends are all so talented. like ugh omg??????????????

fuck you all



just kidding i love you
but srsly not fair


yeah sure i guess im good at some things
not good enough to ever be the best though

so that's what makes me depressed most of the time

and by depressed i mean derp-ressed

because,




oh hey did you know:
a cat's penis is sharply barbed along it's shaft?

don't go telling me you don't learn anything from watching tv
in this case it's supernatural ofc

sad thing is, i already knew about that before hearing cas say it.



everyone just tunes out when i start talking about supernatural.
i dont blame them


oh i can feel im losing you. let me tell you a story.
I was fangirling on charlie's wall telling him about how the baradene girl i was debating against last week said something about supernatural in her debate and how i was like oh.ma.gawd and fangirled with her about it after the debate had finished.

turns out shes a mutual friend through charlie.

awk.
ward.





I buy magazines every month and i never have time to read them

poor Dolly February over there is sitting pretty sad and virginal right now.
so is march
and april
and now may.

whoops?




i have half a blog post saved in my drafts.
it has all the some of the vague details of my experiences of taylor swift/onedirection/everyhthing else that has happened these past two months i've been mysteriously inactive.
haven't finished it yet though. no one really wants to read it apart from future!me.

ha

narcissistic and proud.

one direction makes me so happy

oh god

i'm so ashamed of admitting it

but at the same time i'm not

because they just make me so happy.

like, when i listen to their songs.

i get this big stupid grin on my face.

i cant even speak in long sentences now.

just typing in paragraphs cuz this is how i'd speak irl.

rn watching the 'year in the making' video.

why are they so adorable.

and talented.

my ovaries do not stand a chance.

i stayed up to 7am last night watching all the video diaries and some interviews.

what has my life become?!

spent all day today watching their videos as well.

they are just really fucking hot and amazing at singing okay?





ohmygod I'M SO SORRY SOPHIE.



it's like, once you get dragged in a little bit YOU CAN'T GET OUT.



lol sophie remember last year in english

when you and i mocked rebecca and olivia for liking one direction and giving them heaps of shit about it.

now look at me.

I'VE BECOME ONE OF THEM.



i suggest if you don't want to become a fangirl for one direction,

you stay the hell away from their live acoustic performances and music videos and interviews and video diaries.

okay?

just trust me.

or you will fall in love with them.





jade's worse than me.

shout out (SHOUT OUT!!!) to jade:

my buddy who is in a even deeper one direction fangirl denial pool of shit than i am.

existential crisis

For 15 years on this earth, what do I really have to show for it? I've contributed to a heavy large dent in my parents' bank account, and I'm responsible for a significant amount of moth deaths, but other than that?

I don't have any hobbies. Well, I do, but not any that you can list down on a job application or talk about at a college interview. I write down singing, piano, reading, netball, writing, cooking, and experiencing new cultures. But that's all bullshit. I (evidently) suck at singing and have kinda given up on it now; I've stopped playing piano for more than a year; I barely read and a lot of the time it's fanfiction; I suck at netball (cough team 5); the most I write is when I write on this blog; my cooking is limited to omelets, scrambled eggs, fried eggs, pancakes, other breakfast foods, fried rice and two minute noodles; and the only country I've been to properly overseas is China (and even then, only Shanghai) and I quit Chinese and have forgotten pretty much everything I learnt over the 6 years I did lessons.

But really, what I actually should write down is blogging, watching and obsessing over TV shows and celebrities, putting useless shit up on my bedroom walls, tumblr, facebook, pretty much everything on the internet, shopping, movies and sleeping in till 4pm.

Basically, I'm a fake, a quitter and completely worthless.

Oh, don't worry, I'm not gonna jump off a bridge or anything. Nor am I depressed. I'm just, reflecting, I guess. It's constructive.

Ugh, I just feel like I haven't actually stuck to anything. I used to do Kumon, Chinese class, piano, maths class - all this crap outside school, and I dropped them all.

And now, singing. I'm kind of dropping singing. I don't mean to, it's just everytime I start singing I remind myself of the whole choir situation and I get a really shitty feeling and don't want to sing anymore. Actually, a couple nights ago, I had a dream where Ms Flint sent me an email saying that the only reason I didn't get into SA was because I forgot to fill out this huge chunk in the registration form about SA and so she couldn't place me into the choir, but if I filled it out, it'd be algoods. I actually woke up thinking it was real for a while (at the back of my head) and for the whole day I remembered I had a good dream the night before and kept trying to remember it. And when I did, I realised the whole form incident was just a dream. It sucked.

The awkward moment when your dreams are better than your reality.

I've actually been having really strange dreams lately. I had the choir dream, a zombie dream, a dream where I was on a cruise and a couple more that I can't remember right now. I'll blog about them later (does anyone actually care/read about my dreams??)

I just feel down.



I finished my CV and applied for Glassons, Cotton On, La Porchetta (Ben got me to), and McDonalds. IDK where else to apply. Glassons application was a biiiitch. It was so long and you had to do stuff like write about your 'personal style' and leave an answering machine recording for them on why you'd be good at the job.

Do you guys have any ideas where else I could apply?

Don't think I'll get hired by anything but maybe McD's. And I've already gotten two rejection emails from Queen St and Newmarket branches lol.


I wanted to do a St Johns first aid course but they cost like, $160 bucks WTAF.
I want to sign up for yoga. Or zumba. Or Karate. Or kickboxing.
Maybe proper singing lessons. Or art lessons. Definitely want to start up piano again.
Want to learn how to HTML/CSS. Or how to gif/do photo edits on tumblr. At least then my tumblring will actually be somewhat beneficial.
Really want to go volunteer somewhere. Preferably something hospital/medical related so I can get an insight into the job, yknw? Most volunteer places want +18s.
Guys have any volunteering suggestions?

Elizabeth Knox retirement home is very mainstream. haha. 








I feel so lost.















Last night I had an extreme craving for red meat. Like, foetal position "I NEED BEEEEEEF". Still want a  burger or something relevant atm but NO BEEF IN HOUSE WHAT and my mum wont let me go down to BK ugh.

wtf lol idek.







winnie your website is amazing.


+1