We've been learning about early childhood development in med. One thing that's been touched on is the importance of "make-believe play". It promotes cognitive development, it's entertaining, and it helps children explore topics that may frighten them. Even imaginary friends can promote sociability.
Everyone played these games in primary school. We played "house" while climbing trees, doing our household chores, using a branch to sweep up the hardwood dirt floors. I played imagination land with Sueyeon. We'd run from one corner of the field to the next, exploring unfamiliar terrain in our minds. We made up a whole superhero series, I'm pretty sure.
Playing pretend was something I got very good at.
Even now, as a nineteen year old university student. Living in a new country, exploring unfamiliar terrain. Playing house alone and vacuuming my square blue patch of carpet way too infrequently to be good for me.
So while I was putting my laundry away just then, shit got real. So real that it took me a good 15 minutes before I could successfully fit my freshly-washed-and-tumble-dried cover over my duvet. Because we all know Vicky cannot think and do stuff at the same time. Multitasking is not a thing (Hassed, 2015) – sorry, only Monash med people will get that joke and they don't make up a very large percentage of this audience (hopefully...).
I have been pretending a lot. My entire life, I pretend to myself and convince myself and live peacefully in this river of *~*the nile*~*~.
So maybe it's time to get clean and shower off this dirty river water off of me. Did I take the metaphor too far? Soz.
My name is Vicky and I'm a pretender (cue Foo Fighter's song)... and that's okay. Sometimes.
I'm pretending to like a boy by convincing myself I do even though 80% of the time when I'm sober, he makes me cringe more than laugh. I'm doing it so that I can finally experience a relationship – one that will surely fail and make the next 5 years very awkward because like I said, I'm only faking it to myself to like him. Not a very good foundation for a relationship.
But I'm pretending to like a boy in order to convince myself I don't like another one. Someone I get along with a lot better. Whose crude humour matches my crude humour. Who I have exciting and genuine conversations with. A boy who's already taken and very happy in his new relationship. A boy with a lot of problems that I know I shouldn't try to solve – problems that I know will ultimately make me very unhappy if I ever do get in a relationship with him. A boy who I keep comparing everyone else to.
I'm pretending that I'm working hard in a course I've dreamt my whole life of being accepted into. I'm pretending I'm putting more than 70% effort into study. Really, I'm probably working at 20% output. I'm pretending I'm enjoying it but I'm not really. Not because it's not right for me and it's time for me to change career paths. More because I haven't put any effort into it and only look at it all as a chore. That's not how you enjoy learning. I get excited about what we're doing (ANATOMY!!!!) but get distracted by youtube and facebook and food and getting drunk and stairway conversations. And sleep.
I'm pretending I have no time but I have hours that fly by where I'm doing god knows what. I shove the fact that I'm wasting time into the depths of my mind and I ignore it. I make excuses for myself. I take more time deliberating about whether I should do something than the act itself would've taken. I pretend I don't have time to clean my room. I pretend I don't have time for the gym. I pretend that grocery shopping, vacuuming, laundry takes "way too long for today, I'll do it tomorrow."
I'm pretending I have no control over my weight and I'm helpless against the freshman five. I've skipped gym for 6 days in a row now. I complain about it and do nothing but hit the snooze button 6.45am, texting my friends saying I can't make it. I buy meals with the intention of splitting it into two dinners and instead eat it all in one night. I complain about portion sizes and belly fat and go to bed at 3:30am, well aware that there's no way I will be willing to wake up 3 hours later for a Kayla Itsines session.
I'm pretending I am being productive in the mornings before lectures. Instead, I spend the time leisurely choosing an outfit, putting on makeup, and caring way too much about how I look at lectures instead of what I'm learning.
It's okay to pretend, but it's probably better to live in the real world.
I'm going to stop pretending now that I know I am. I'm going to stop initiating conversations with Boy A –who I don't think really liked me anyway... which weirdly only bothers me slightly... reinforcing the whole idea that I never really liked him either. I'm not going to do shit with Boy B. I can't and I wouldn't ever while he's in a relationship. If they break up, then... well.
I'm going to stop kidding myself with this study thing. Exams are two weeks away and so are assignment due dates and it's all very terrifying. I am still behind in lectures. We have moved on from the upper limb to the lower limb and I still have not learnt the entire innervation, vasculature, hand, or posterior compartment of the forearm. We only have 3 weeks on the lower limb and the first is almost over. This shit isn't a joke.
I'm going to keep going to the gym everyday like I started off doing. One, because I actually bought a gym membership and need to get my money's worth. Two, because it solves my other issues with body image and productivity.
And finally, I probably won't stop spending time on myself in the mornings. Because to be honest, it's something that boosts my confidence for the rest of the day. It makes me more social, more happy. Presentation is important. People pretend they spend time on their looks "for themselves" and not for anyone else. That's only half a lie. I do it for myself, yes, because I feel better when I know that everyone else's perception of me is exactly how I want them to perceive me. In control, with my shit together, looking damn good with winged eyeliner on fleek.
It's 2:11am. Gym tomorrow at 7:15 with Cerys. Gonna need to go grocery shopping before my 11am VESPA as well. Wish me luck for the first day of the rest of my life.
