consciousness

The problem with becoming aware of everything  - of your actions and the actions around you and what you do and what you say and how you place your arms here, there, on your hips or folded across your chest - is that you're suddenly self-conscious and bloop sorry what was that again -- something about 'confidence'?

For some reason I've always thought that having awareness is a good thing. Knowledge is power, and what better knowledge than the knowledge of your life and yourself and your surroundings?

But as I've grown to become more 'knowledgeable' and conscious to how people react to the things I say and the way I act, I've sunk deeper into myself and am chronically feeling as if I'm growing inwards rather than out at the world.

I preferred to be ignorant to the way people nervously but politely laugh or subtly glance at each other when I swear or crack a dirty joke or say something inappropriate (which I find funny, of course). Except I don't find it funny any more because you don't find it funny and neither does she and that comment didn't get a 'like' and that joke didn't get a laugh and -- I'm sorry I think it'd be better if I just stayed quiet from now on.

I don't know how to stand when I'm around new people or people I don't know very well. I speak too loud and too fast and I come on too strong and my mouth moves ahead of my brain and I'm not enunciating enough and whoops sorry that just slipped out (It didn't even make any sense, grammatically or logically) my god Vicky what the fuck are you even on about just stop please

(They already thought you were weird enough and now look what you've done!)

(You made it worse!)

But really, what are my arms doing, I can't cross my arms because I've read in all those magazines that crossing your arms when you're talking to someone means that you shut yourself off from them and it makes them subconsciously think that you're not interested, so I guess that's out. How about on your hips - no, now you just look like a beat-down mother chastising her five year old for not picking up his toys. I wish I could just dangle them on my sides but that feels so uncomfortable and unnatural even though that's the natural way to hold your arms in the first place.

I hate being perpetually afraid of awkward silences because they always cause me to fill the quiet with some stupid story that no one is interested in, with an unsatisfying ending and no punchline.

The problem with becoming aware of everything is that you end up not wanting to be aware of anything at all.

existential crisis

For 15 years on this earth, what do I really have to show for it? I've contributed to a heavy large dent in my parents' bank account, and I'm responsible for a significant amount of moth deaths, but other than that?

I don't have any hobbies. Well, I do, but not any that you can list down on a job application or talk about at a college interview. I write down singing, piano, reading, netball, writing, cooking, and experiencing new cultures. But that's all bullshit. I (evidently) suck at singing and have kinda given up on it now; I've stopped playing piano for more than a year; I barely read and a lot of the time it's fanfiction; I suck at netball (cough team 5); the most I write is when I write on this blog; my cooking is limited to omelets, scrambled eggs, fried eggs, pancakes, other breakfast foods, fried rice and two minute noodles; and the only country I've been to properly overseas is China (and even then, only Shanghai) and I quit Chinese and have forgotten pretty much everything I learnt over the 6 years I did lessons.

But really, what I actually should write down is blogging, watching and obsessing over TV shows and celebrities, putting useless shit up on my bedroom walls, tumblr, facebook, pretty much everything on the internet, shopping, movies and sleeping in till 4pm.

Basically, I'm a fake, a quitter and completely worthless.

Oh, don't worry, I'm not gonna jump off a bridge or anything. Nor am I depressed. I'm just, reflecting, I guess. It's constructive.

Ugh, I just feel like I haven't actually stuck to anything. I used to do Kumon, Chinese class, piano, maths class - all this crap outside school, and I dropped them all.

And now, singing. I'm kind of dropping singing. I don't mean to, it's just everytime I start singing I remind myself of the whole choir situation and I get a really shitty feeling and don't want to sing anymore. Actually, a couple nights ago, I had a dream where Ms Flint sent me an email saying that the only reason I didn't get into SA was because I forgot to fill out this huge chunk in the registration form about SA and so she couldn't place me into the choir, but if I filled it out, it'd be algoods. I actually woke up thinking it was real for a while (at the back of my head) and for the whole day I remembered I had a good dream the night before and kept trying to remember it. And when I did, I realised the whole form incident was just a dream. It sucked.

The awkward moment when your dreams are better than your reality.

I've actually been having really strange dreams lately. I had the choir dream, a zombie dream, a dream where I was on a cruise and a couple more that I can't remember right now. I'll blog about them later (does anyone actually care/read about my dreams??)

I just feel down.



I finished my CV and applied for Glassons, Cotton On, La Porchetta (Ben got me to), and McDonalds. IDK where else to apply. Glassons application was a biiiitch. It was so long and you had to do stuff like write about your 'personal style' and leave an answering machine recording for them on why you'd be good at the job.

Do you guys have any ideas where else I could apply?

Don't think I'll get hired by anything but maybe McD's. And I've already gotten two rejection emails from Queen St and Newmarket branches lol.


I wanted to do a St Johns first aid course but they cost like, $160 bucks WTAF.
I want to sign up for yoga. Or zumba. Or Karate. Or kickboxing.
Maybe proper singing lessons. Or art lessons. Definitely want to start up piano again.
Want to learn how to HTML/CSS. Or how to gif/do photo edits on tumblr. At least then my tumblring will actually be somewhat beneficial.
Really want to go volunteer somewhere. Preferably something hospital/medical related so I can get an insight into the job, yknw? Most volunteer places want +18s.
Guys have any volunteering suggestions?

Elizabeth Knox retirement home is very mainstream. haha. 








I feel so lost.















Last night I had an extreme craving for red meat. Like, foetal position "I NEED BEEEEEEF". Still want a  burger or something relevant atm but NO BEEF IN HOUSE WHAT and my mum wont let me go down to BK ugh.

wtf lol idek.







winnie your website is amazing.


+1

i guess the reality is

choir is that one thing that I've always had since I was like, in primary. I've always joined it and as much as I complain about it, I like choir and I like singing in a choir. I've always thought I was good at choir, and I thought I was good at singing.

So when you get rejected saying you're not good enough to get into choir, it's kind of a blow to the confidence gonads.

Yeah, yeah, I can still go join BWS but that's just going to be the reject choir, and if I thought this year was bad, then next year's BWS is gonna be hell, since there wont be any good people in the choir, unlike this year where there were still a couple who were pretty good.

of course, I thought i was one of the people who were pretty good.

guess not.

another thing is, choir's always there in my list of extracurriculars, and now that I havent gotten into SA, idk if i actually want to participate in BWS, so that means there won't be a choir in my extracurriculars. Even if I am in BWS, i'll just look like a pathetic little girl who can't actually sing so she has to join BWS.

and you know, I've stopped doing piano, and this is after my grade 8 exam which I only got a meager pass in, whereas now, all my friends have done grade 8 and have been getting distinctions and high distinctions and while I actually am happy for them, it makes me feel like even more of a failure.

I mean, I didn't even get into talent quest this year, so maybe I'm just getting signs left right and centre saying that I should quit singing. Spend the time and money used on it on something like piano instead.  

But I'm not good at piano either, so....

I honestly can't catch a break. Everywhere I look, I'm just not good enough. Not good enough to win Top Academic Achievement, not good enough to get into saints, not good enough at singing, not pretty enough, not tall enough, not good enough at songwriting, piano, maths, writing, tumblring, and ffs, not good enough at being a good person even.

you know how much it sucks always being second place or always being the loser?

I'm really more embarrassed than anything else about this, but being the narcissistic whore that I am, I feel the need to complain about it so that people will say "OH, DONT WORRY, YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOOD AT SINGING" or some shit like that when it's not true. So, if you think i'm seeking attention, you're probably right. (just in case u didn't think i didn't already know...)

Bottom line is:

I thought I was good at something, but apparently I'm not.

Welcome to my life.

2011

I think I can safely say that 2011 has been the best year I've had so far.

I guess there have been other good years - Year 6 and 5 hold lots of great memories for me. I can't really remember anything except for odd random memories from before Year 4. There were aspects in Year 7 that were kind of horrible for me: I didn't like MRIS at all and thought my time was being wasted at school everyday since I never actually learnt anything and the extracurriculars were shit, etc. The friends were alright, even though I'm not close to any of my old friends there anymore. Year 9 form class was pretty lame cuz we didn't even know each other. I got close with Jade and Maria and Maggie and stuff in Year 9 though, which was pretty good. I loved social studies and maths class in Year 9 - not the subjects, but the class environment, yknw?

Well, first reason why this year rocked: I've had a great class who I've gotten so close to, and I'm basically friends with everyone and a lot of them are just such awesome people who I think I'll continue being friends with even if we're in different classes next year. Sure, we won't be as close, but hopefully we'll still say hi in the corridors or something. It's been one of my favourite classes I've had. Year 9 was pretty shit because our class just didn't know each other and I can barely remember who was actually in my class. I guess I really don't want that to happen next year in Year 11 since our intake will be split up, but I really really wish we didn't have to change classes and destroy the friendships we made this year. This is basically the main reason I don't want this year to end. I've made so many new friends in a lot of my classes - not just my form class. But yeah, my form class is close and I genuinely think my form class is the best one in our year level. We've got the best people (no bitches or overly-socially retarded people) and we're really tight, unlike a couple of other intakes, so I think I was really lucky to get into Intake 1.

Second, my teachers this year have been the best. (In fact, I should be doing my xmas cards to them atm but I got distracted with checking my blogspot, then seeing winnie's post, then deciding to write a blog post cuz I am a emotional teenage motherfucker with a lot of feelings). My xmas cards are pretty much going to be the same for all of my teachers, even though everything I say for each of them would be completely genuine. I really have learnt so much and I've got pretty good relationships with my teachers this year, albeit a couple of them are still pretty intimidating (cough Mr Howe). I mean, I got really good marks in my end of year exams (all E's!!!) and everythings been going shitgood. I've enjoyed all my subjects and I wouldn't mind at all having the same bunch of teachers next year (yes, even maybe the certain science teacher if it meant I got to have the same teachers in all my other subjects). I really hope I get Mdme Morton again next year cuz French was so fun this year, and I learnt so so so much in English - more than I ever have in other years. Our Art class was so much chill than all the other Art classes and everyone just cracks lame jokes and we all talk about vampire diaries across the room while Mr Ball just does our artwork for us hahaha.

Then, I've got my 'asian' group at school, who (from my perspective) haven't had too much drama this year. I mean, for me, at least. Year 9 was kinda shit cuz me and Joanna were fighting and estranged from each other for the whole year and I had way too many caps lock arguments with a couple of people over facebook haahha. One aspect that sucked about this year was that so many people from our group changed schools (Reb, Rach, Ding....), and next year even more people are leaving (Aimee, possibly Meilin), but the people that left only left in Term 4 so it didn't impact on the year much. And plus I've been seeing them so much these couple of weeks cuz of all the birthday parties people have been having. I know that for some people they've been having a shit time this year regarding friendship drama, and I also know some people who hated last year cuz of friends excluding them/bullying them, and so this year has been waaay better for them.

I'm feeling really melancholic about this year ending. I'm really effing looking forward to holidays and just not going to school anymore, but I just wish that once holidays finish and Term 1 2012 starts nothing changes from this year so everything could just be as good as 2011. A lot of other things have contributed on 2011 being a good year (Kah*nui, Vampire diaries lol, etc) but I have a feeling that everything next year may change. It sucks cuz I'm not allowed to talk about it with anyone so I'm just in my little corner alone suffering the waiting process by myself.....
.
.
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....yep I'm pregnant.

.
.
.
.... Just kidding.


Here's hoping for a good  great 2012.

ever had one of those toxic friends that you really really really want and need to get rid of but you cant because theyre friends with your friends?

i have.

dear 273.

i'm sorry i'm such a shitty friend.
like, so shitty. i'm so selfish :(
i know you wanted me there but i really wasn't looking forward to it.
and plus, my parents said that it'll brainwash me.

sorry. i know its totally morally wrong for me to ditch you. I was supposed to be there to be your support.
ugh, i suck. i'm really sorry. now i'll be feeling too guilty to have any fun.

I have no right to tell you who can or can't be your friend, but you guys have gotten really close and everytime I hear that you've hung out or going to hang out, I get really jealous. Because that's really all I wanted to be with him - a friend. And in a way, that's the only thing we were. We just stuck a label on it and called it something else. Trust me, I'm over him. But I'm slightly confused and a little bit pissed about how two of my closest friends at school are now like, fucking besties with my ex. Whatever, go make covers of songs, watch your movie, skype. I really don't want to hear about it. You know that thing where if you see someone in particular coming, you stop your conversation instantly? Yeah, I know it's weird but do you mind if you guys do that for this? Idk, it's just.... sigh, yeah.

Confessions: Day 04

Your biggest mistake

• Not being myself at the start of last year, trying to fit in with people who weren't like me, instead of finding people who were.
• Not practicing enough piano last year.
• Giving up on chinese.
• Beginning to read fanfiction.

eh, i cant really remember. probably have much bigger mistakes than these.

Confessions - Day 03

Your religion

Guess i'm semi-christian, but there are lots of things I don't agree with.

Confessions - Day 02

Who you miss the most

Sueyeon. I miss sueyeon :(
i wish she went to my school cuz i never see her anymore and we barely talk, but we still have so much fun  when we are together.


oh, and if anyone cares, for Day 01, i forgot to put 'moths' and 'pigeons'. i am fucking terrified of moths and pigeons and will scream if they come near me. i think i just hate everything that flies. i'm also scared of heights. and of getting sniped standing in front of a window. and getting robbed. and having all my secrets revealed.
yeah, i have a lot of fears.

Confessions - Day 01

Your biggest fear

I guess it's failure. I have so many goals and expectations for my life, and the thought of me not achieving any of them really scares me.

like, i want to become a surgeon, and to become a surgeon, i have to go to uni and graduate from a good uni so that people will want to hire me. and getting into a good uni means i have to have good grades and participate in lots of stuff around school. And if i just fail my exams, it means that none of these dreams can come true.

then what would happen?