The best way to describe how I'm feeling is 'displacement'

I feel like my self confidence in myself has plummeted dramatically over these past weeks and I have a couple theories on why, of which I shall not divulge the details to the general online public.
But in general, I think I've begun comparing myself to a couple of my friends a little too much, and it's gotten to a stage where I really just feel bitter when I see a certain someone around. You would think this friend jealousy would stem from academics or whatever, but somehow this year I'm feeling really, really insecure over people liking me or not.
I don't know.... it's just like people don't seem to enjoy my company very much. People don't find me funny anymore (did they ever?) and I am constantly feeling insecure and it sucks.
This is such a contrast to how I felt at the start of the term, when I had vowed to not allow myself to feel any intimidation or inferiority to my peers, and decided to treat everyone as a friend.
Too bad everybody would choose anyone else over me.

Also I'm finding it really hard to cope with IB and I feel like I'm barely understanding anything going on in the class most of the time. Also I am terrible at CDG and the worst in the group and totally letting everyone down. And my mum is obsessed with finding a remedy for my skin which of course means that she is constantly going on about it to me and I know she has good intentions but it's really not helping my self confidence ya feel

I really want to move seats in a lot of my classes. I remember how I was so stressed out at the beginning of term over choosing who to sit with because I wanted to sit with everyone and be friends with everyone, and it actually bombed so fucking hard.


I'm just... not as happy as I used to be. I used to feel really comfortable with everything. At school, especially. I'm not anymore. I don't even feel the content that I used to feel.

I know I'm being really melodramatic and I'm probably going to regret this post later on, but I'm just so sick of feeling like this. Feeling displaced? I don't want to say lost because I don't feel lost. I just feel... not right. I shouldn't feel like this. This is not me, this is pathetic and I need to stop overreacting to a little insecurity.

Sorry for wasting your time again

the transformation: a novella. chapter one - braces hurt like a motherfuck

well
i have braces

WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME IT'D BE THIS FUCKING PAINFUL SWEET BABY JESUS LORD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL PROTECT ME FROM THIS CONTRAPTION DELIVERED BY SATAN HIMSELF FROM THE MOTHERFUCKING DEPTHS OF HELL

can we just acknowledge that i already had sensitive teeth and gums in the first place so i am quite literally (figuratively) going through hell at this current moment of freakin time

i strode out of that orthodontist office like MAN I CAN HANDLE THIS SHIT IM GOOD, DOESNT EVEN HURT
and then about one hour later shit started getting real

it's awful because the pain is just this never ending pressure and ACHE in my mouth. i'd rather you punched me in the face or womb or something because at least i will be able to heal for fucks sake

everyone has just said to me "oh you get used to it" which is really quite worrying because it leads me to believe that the pain doesn't necessarily dull, it's just that my poor body will end up getting used to this horrendous torture and discomfort, dude like what the fuck this is not what i signed up for

i tried to eat a grape. you know how you pop the grape into your mouth, and bite through it to break the skin and expose the fleshy fruit insides etc etc? i tried to bite through the fucking GRAPE and my teeth were like lol no bitch you best be jokin and they screamed in protest and i nearly cried because goddamn that was painful wE'RE NOT TRYING THAT AGAIN FUCK YOU GRAPES I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS

had a mashed potato for dinner with salmon strewn through it. and a little bit of leftover congee from lunch. i feel like an infant. caution, keep me away from sharp objects. and plastic bags.

it took me an hour to brush my teeth/floss/etc tonight. this isn't normal. i cannot live life like this.

i fell asleep watching supernatural at 3pm and slept for 3 hours since that seemed like an effective way to cope with the ceaseless pain. also, i am in a constant shitty mood don't fuck with me guys im srs just leave me alone to rot and die with my unstraight (gay?) teeth.

are my teeth bisexual now is that what it is. no hold up i feel like my teeth are leaning more towards pansexual. i definitely have pansexual teeth. hey dont hate, my teeth were born this way.

isn't it fucked up how now i am trying to fix my non-hetero teeth!? god what century are we living in?! no wonder my teeth are fighting back. WE WANT EQUALITY!!!!! EQUALITY FOR ALL!!!! INCLUDING TEETH!!!!!! EQUALI-TEETH!!!!!!!

oh my god i am so sorry jesus what am i doing hey look i blame the mind numbing pain. it's doing things to me. non-fun things.

you know what the kicker is for this situation? i cant eat, and yet i have three birthday parties to go to within a week, all centring around good food. lunch at the langham on saturday, then dinner at orbit later that night. then a barbecue on tuesday.

why

why do terrible things happen to good people



this is why people turn to class A drugs isnt it? i hear cocaine numbs your mouth if you dissolve it along your gums. that sounds incredibly appealing to me right now. panadol just ain't doing the trick, lemme tell you.

OH GOD I FEEL LIKE SUCH A PUSSY BECAUSE 80% OF PEOPLE I KNOW HAVE/HAD BRACES AND THEY ALL COPED FINE WHY AM I SUCH A LITTLE SHIT


adios

[[this concludes chapter one of "the transformation, a novella" written by vicky xu, documenting the author's courageous journey of spending thousands of dollars in orthodontic fees towards a normal-ish looking face. "the transformation, a novella" tells the inspiring story of a whiny teenage girl, weathered by angst and the internet, as she resiliently endeavours to ok no i give up i cbf finishing this sentence it's just too much work and bullshitting tldr these are a series of blogposts detailing anything related to jaw surgery and me changing my fuckin face ok that's about it. see what people have said about this book]]

sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyy

ok well I just want to APOLOGIZE PROFUSELY for any shitty try-hard wow-i-am-so-deep posts i've ever made in the past and apologize in advance for the inevitable moody posts i make in the future.

like man I never realised how cringe worthy my posts were

also i've read a couple of people's blogs who also have really really cringe worthy 'wah fml so depressed im soooo in love' posts
no one pple know irl dw lol just people i've come across while blogwalking

but yeah man someone smack some sense into me



oh and i realise my last post made lots of people depressed. sorry, again.




oh exciting turn of events yesterday I FUCKING SPRAINED MY ANKLE AGAIN ugh
so of course that meant i could no longer go on the tramp i was gonna go on tomorrow that would finish up my duke of ed. i am so gutted :(
legit like the worst day ever yesterday. i had to walk up and down the school from sports centre to science to pac to robertson to pe etc etc while being embarrassingly crippled.

HORRIBLE

and i was stuck in traffic for about 2 hours. fun

and when i go back home THERE WERE SWARMS OF ANTS ON MY DESK ughhhhhhhh
and then after i sprayed them all, i  look down at my bed and in the corner there are like 20 dead ants and on the floor there are like 20 dead ants as well and idk if they were from my desk and flew onto my bed from the wind of the spray or if they were already on my bed BUT EITHER WAY IT WAS DISGUSTING AND RUINED MY DAY MORE THAN SPRAINING MY ANKLE.







only good thing that came out of yesterday was that i got all my results back from exams (apart from art) and I got all excellences AWWWW YESSSSSSSS WHO DA MAN

You are not special.

You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. 
You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. 



there are some people that are naturally at ease when in a situation where they are with people they don't know very well. they make friends easily. it's just... uncomplicated.

I, however, generally turn into an awkward, stumbling, im-sorry-i-think-ive-forgotten-how-to-use-words kind of mess. especially if it's someone who is 'cool' or like, intimidating idk.
at least, that's how i am when i have no support system around. but it's strange because when i do have that support system of friends - even if it is just one person- everything is so much easier and i feel so much more relaxed.

like, wow, coolest fucking story ever vicky. you're not special. this isn't a revelation.everyone feels like this, most of the time. please stop boring us.

i am boring me.


some people are hilarious in real life. and then on the internet they are just so... lost. and cringeworthy.
and then some people are hilarious online, but are ridiculously awkward in reality.

i don't even know which one is better anymore.
technologically driven society, i guess.

wow i couldn't spell technologically just then
technoligcally technoligilly technlacilly technolalalacly technadkf;adf;kly
thanks spell check
you're welcome vicky


if you're wondering why i bothered to make this incredibly pointless post
it's because i am procrastinating. as usual.

havent even started studying maths or french. at all. i'm so screwed for maths. if i don't get excellence in this internal, i can't get maths endorsed this year. fun, right?




idk sometimes i just want to curl up in a ball under my covers and just stay there for a whole day. watch the light filter in through the gaps of the curtains, then watch it fade away with the sunset.

pretty sure this is a normal feeling to get when you are a teenager.
pretty sure feeling fat is a normal feeling too.

oooooooh~~ no vicky don't bring over the pity party.
or the "you're not faaaaaat~~~" encouragers

lol please it's not a call for attention, it's an honest musing from my mind.

i am, however, feeling much more healthier lately.
(excluding today and yesterday where i got those $5 kfc lunch packs yesterday and ate a whole bag of pods and got a $5 bk whopper jr deal today shhhhhhh fuck cheap delicious food)

mondays i usually have netball practice in the morning, pilates afterschool (which starts at 4 and for the half an hour beforehand i 'train' in the school gym) and then swimming right after that.
tuesdays i sometimes have umpiring (does that count as exercise idk)
wednesdays i have badminton
saturdays i have netball

in addition to p.e. right now being horrendous since we're doing a WHOLE TERM of rogaine ugh?!

idk it's a lot more activity than i usually have. and then on days i dont have organized sport, i try to squeeze in this workout:

and according to jade this one's very good but i haven't personally tried it:

yeah you're welcome. WHEN U START FITTING IN DEM SIZE 8 JEANS U REMEMBER TO MENTION VICKY XU IN YOUR PRAYERS BEFORE BEDTIME.

got my mum to do the bootyshakin workout with me once hahaha. comedic gold. 

oh yeah, speaking of umpiring (way up there), i did my first umpiring session a week ago and wow did i feel like a bitch throughout the whole game. crushing little year 7 hearts. i think i made a girl cry.

"the whistle makes me their god" - as spoken by a certain dean winchester on a certain supernatural show.

not feeling too bad at school right now. apart from maths and maybe french I feel like I'm coping pretty well in class and all the material seems relatively easy.

nek minnit exam results??????? idk

all i know is i want that double science prize at the end of the year so sosososo bad.

(shh vicky it's not orthodox to admit your goals on the internet when everyone knows theres a slim as shit chance of you achieving them.)

YEAH FUCK YOU SOCIETY..... from vicky.

*unattractive snigger*

inside joke dw

wow is it already 1:40am? this is why i shouldn't take 4 hour naps during the day. apparently i snore when i nap. yeah, well, i probably snore when im tired and when im tired i nap SO.




i am so looking forward to this weekend.
expect pictures.

not on facebook though.


photos that are posted on facebook that shouldn't be on facebook and everyone who posts these kinds of pictures lose my respect like ~that.
(only applies to people under 18 tbh)
(and only if you're a shithole)

• photos of you blatantly posing while holding alcohol up like wow u are a hard cunt 
• photos of you macking on your boyfriend/girlfriend bro have u heard of class ESPECIALLY IF YOU'VE ONLY BEEN 'GOING OUT' FOR LIKE, 3 DAYS.
• omg speaking of that
• PEOPLE WHO POST STUPID INDIRECT STATUSES ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY "~MISS" SOME STUPID CRUSH OR LOVE THEM SO MUCH OR CHEESY SHIT THAT MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP LIKE UGH SHUT UP
• people who send me temple run /other game requests (i am srs if i get another one of those i am looking u up in the college list and I WILL BE HIDING UNDER YOUR BED AT NIGHT)
• people in general

hehe bcz of tumblr the 'insults' #asshole #homo #bastard and #faggot all have positive connotations to me now.

wow misha collins is such an #asshole look at him fucking prancing around doing charity work in haiti who do u think u are fucking perfect human being #bastard dammit jared padalecki u are not allowed to be around babies wtf u have a baby now why would u do that ughhhhhhhhhh

wow one direction wow you are just beautiful little #faggots i hate you so much why stop stupid zayn u are a #homo stop with your blatant eye sexing with harry no wait louis why are u such a sassy piece of rainbow shit FUCK U

ok sorry i got a little carried away

how do u blog

i cant remember

i suck

i am an antisocial cunt

I mean, I have the option of going out but honestly I just can't be fucked.

Friends are like, you wanna hang out? and I'm like yeah sure
but honestly I'm kinda like ehhhhhhhhhhhh home, lazy, comfortable.

but at the same time I DO want to go out cuz it's fun and all being with friends  and I feel like I'm definitely gonna regret sleeping the day away every. single. day. by the end of the holidays, but I CAN'T STOP MYSELF.
I'm just so laazzzyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Haven't done any holiday studying for brain bee or otherwise
Can't even be bothered watching supernatural.

what's wrong with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :((((



I got a sudden urge before to eat roasted marshmallows but since I don't have a campfire anywhere nearby, I thought a candle would suffice.

Now I'm worried that I'm gonna die from carbon monoxide poisoning. or cancer. there was a lot of burnt-ness.

and i leant over the candle and the little hairs at the edge of my forehead started burning and i was like SHIT SHIT SHIT cuz i heard the sizzling sound and now about 6 hairs are like, brown at the tips and curly. they look dipdyed lol












things i do when i'm on my period:

• sing "everybody hurts... everybody criesss" to myself at regular intervals
• randomly think every so often "THERE IS A CRIME SCENE IN MY PANTS"
• feel uncomfortable
• dread pooping
• stare at myself in the mirror and cry over the atrocity that is my face and body
• get sad over pimples
• yell at everyone in a 10metre vicinity
• eat nothing
• eat everything
• complain over lack of food
• sleep less
• complain more
• get super lazy
• wear sweats and baggy tshirts
• hate everything
• debate whether or not it's time to change pad/tampon
• worry about accidentally dying
• wonder whether or not I should do something productive
• do nothing productive
• realise that getting your period is supposedly 'best case scenario' aka not pregnant
• realise being a girl is fucking hard and unfair
• get penis-envy
• realise that THERE IS FUCKING BLOOD GUSHING OUT OF YOUR FUCKING VAGINA AND IT IS SUPPOSEDLY FUCKING NORMAL.
• feel fat
• feel tired
• get grossed out all the time especially when going toilet
• feel like dying

you know those girls who get squeamish at the sight of blood? I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW THAT IS EVEN POSSIBLE. do they faint and fall off the toilet everytime they get their time of month or something?! what?!?!?


sorry if there are any boys who read my blog.



lol jk no one reads my blog.



especially not guys.




(but if there are, i hope you learnt something today about the female thought process)

i guess the reality is

choir is that one thing that I've always had since I was like, in primary. I've always joined it and as much as I complain about it, I like choir and I like singing in a choir. I've always thought I was good at choir, and I thought I was good at singing.

So when you get rejected saying you're not good enough to get into choir, it's kind of a blow to the confidence gonads.

Yeah, yeah, I can still go join BWS but that's just going to be the reject choir, and if I thought this year was bad, then next year's BWS is gonna be hell, since there wont be any good people in the choir, unlike this year where there were still a couple who were pretty good.

of course, I thought i was one of the people who were pretty good.

guess not.

another thing is, choir's always there in my list of extracurriculars, and now that I havent gotten into SA, idk if i actually want to participate in BWS, so that means there won't be a choir in my extracurriculars. Even if I am in BWS, i'll just look like a pathetic little girl who can't actually sing so she has to join BWS.

and you know, I've stopped doing piano, and this is after my grade 8 exam which I only got a meager pass in, whereas now, all my friends have done grade 8 and have been getting distinctions and high distinctions and while I actually am happy for them, it makes me feel like even more of a failure.

I mean, I didn't even get into talent quest this year, so maybe I'm just getting signs left right and centre saying that I should quit singing. Spend the time and money used on it on something like piano instead.  

But I'm not good at piano either, so....

I honestly can't catch a break. Everywhere I look, I'm just not good enough. Not good enough to win Top Academic Achievement, not good enough to get into saints, not good enough at singing, not pretty enough, not tall enough, not good enough at songwriting, piano, maths, writing, tumblring, and ffs, not good enough at being a good person even.

you know how much it sucks always being second place or always being the loser?

I'm really more embarrassed than anything else about this, but being the narcissistic whore that I am, I feel the need to complain about it so that people will say "OH, DONT WORRY, YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOOD AT SINGING" or some shit like that when it's not true. So, if you think i'm seeking attention, you're probably right. (just in case u didn't think i didn't already know...)

Bottom line is:

I thought I was good at something, but apparently I'm not.

Welcome to my life.

fuck my life

just finished watching season 4 finale of supernatural.

i am sobbing and i have goosebumps all over and my heart is shattered.
how the fuck am i supposed to go to sleep WHEN THE MOTHERFUCKING APOCALYPSE JUST STARTED!?!?!

RUBY THAT LYING CONNIVING MANIPULATIVE HORRIBLE SON OF A BITCH I AM SO ANGRY.

AND I FUCKING THOUGHT THAT ANGELS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD GUYS BUT NOOOO THEY HAD TO FUCK EARTH OVER AS WELL.

and now lucifer is out but dean has to kill him cuz he swore to the angels BUT HOW THE FUCK DOES ONE KILL THE DEVIL!?!?


forever crying.


everything hurts.




this is not healthy.





(does anyone here watch supernatural? i desperately need someone to fangirl with...)

i really really just want exams to be over and done with so that i can relax

after all my exams, i am going to:

• watch all 7 seasons of supernatural (eek so excited)
• finish reading fallout and tricks by ellen hopkins
• watch all 6 seasons of how i met your mother
• read multiple destiel fics
• finish rearranging poster wall
• read all the new twilight fics that are spamming up my inbox
• watch pretty little liars
• fucking enjoy life

guys my english teacher still hasnt sent back my english essay and i think i'm going to cry omg WHY WON'T YOU REPLY MR H WHY!?!?!?!?!!? exam is on tuesday and i want to memorise my essay but what if its a merit-worthy essay and not an excellence-worthy essay so if i started memorising it now, it would all be in vain omg

tuesday morn: english

wednesday: FREE
thursday morn: science
thursday aftn: french

friday morn: social studies
friday aftn: art

life sucks and then you die

I don't even know what to do with myself right now.
[and i realise i'm overreacting soooo much right now but this is just so... UGHHH]

my internet is capped. that's okay, i can deal with that, it's algds. THAT IS, UNTIL, I REALISE THAT CAPPED INTERNET = INABILITY TO LOAD VIDEOS

AND YOU KNOW WHAT VIDEO I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO LOAD SINCE FUCKING MAY ?! SEASON 3 EPISODE 1 OF VAMPIRE DIARIES. SINCE MOTHERFUCKING MAY. THAT'S FOUR MONTHS.


AND MY INTERNET IS FUCKING CAPPED.


WHICH MEANS I WONT BE ABLE TO WATCH IT ON FRIDAY.


I HAVE LITERALLY 
BEEN C O U N T I N G 
THE DAYS TO FRIDAY 
THE FIFTEENTH OF SEPTEMBER.
LOOKING FORWARD
TO WATCHING 
THIS 
CUNTFUCKING 
EPISODE
AND
I
AM
MOTHERSHITTING
CAPPED.




i'm pathetic. i actually broke down and started tearing up a bit. IT'S JUST THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS FOR FOUR MONTHS AND NOW ITS GONE..

IT'S ALL GONE.

inhale
exhale
inhale
exhale
inhale
exhale

i can always go to someone's house to watch it.
right?

OKAY PEOPLE, TIME TO SHOW ME IF YOU'RE REAL FRIENDS OR NOT.
DONATE YOUR HOUSES AND INTERNET FOR AN HOUR ?

fucking picasso can go fuck him and his fucking cubism buddies in their stupid geometrical fucking world

i literally spent about 7 hours on my art today. woke up at 1pm from storm (OMG THERE WAS A TORNADO IN AVOCADO AVONDALE!) got shit to eat, procrastinated on fb, twitter and skype and started to actually do a little bit at 3. i kinda multitasked that with skype until 5,  which is when i really buckled down until 9ish when i had dinner (we have dinner really late...) and watched a bit of rugby and did more art, and then did the dishes and then buckled down on my art again until 12, when i stopped and started packing up.

and i'm STILL not finished!

FUCK!

tmi

it's like a crime scene in my pants.

i hate the world my vagina.

someone make me a period mix.

i like going on online shopping sites and looking at all the clothes i'll never be able to buy/pull off. it's less exercise than walking around malls doing the same thing.

makes me feel sad, fat and poor though.

OMG SERIOUSLY MUM AND DAD

I CAN HEAR YOU IN THE BATHROOM. OHMYGOD I DONT KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CRY RIGHT NOW FML GOD WHY DO I HAVE SUCH IRRITATING PARENTS!?!?!?!?!

my dad: did u see her powerpoint?
my mum: yeah it was like out of a movie
my dad: wow we have such a talented smart daughter. she's amazing
my mum: i know, how does she come up with these things. she was showing video clips and information and everything.
my dad: yeah she's like a businesswomen with getting loans from her brother and getting her friend to pay 20 dollars! ahhh. did u tell her she could go?
my mum: yeah. did u know the concerts in march next year? and she's gonna be doing housework till march as part of the deal? /laughs i asked qi'an and he said that lots of teenage girls like this singer.

FUUUUUUU PARENTS WHY ARE U SO HAPPY NOW OMG DO U ENJOY MY TEARS. WTF AND MY DAD WAS LISTENING TO ME DURING THE PRESENTATION WHAT THE FUCK C'MON GUYS.

i dont even
know
what i'm supposed to feel right now
wow
i'm not sure if they're the best parents ever
or the worst.

ugh i hope i'm adopted and aren't carrying their parenting genes.




wtf srsly guise give me a break!!!! I HAVE AN INTERNAL TOMORROW STOP MESSING WITH ME AND BEING ANGRY AND SERIOUS ONE MOMENT AND JOKING AROUND AND COMPLIMENTING ME THE NEXT!!!

they're bipolar, i swear.

[update] my dad just told me he wants a copy of my powerpoint. i bet he's gonna take it to work adn be like "hey, everybody, come and see waht my brilliant daughter did when she tried to convince me to let her go to a concert. oh, here's the slide where she started crying. oh, and here's where i interrupted her and started yelling, yknw, just for kicks, and she rationally tried to calm me down but ended up crying more. ahhh good times. isn't my daughter talented? "  ARGH.

rude awakening.

WHAT THE FUCK. THERES ONLY ONE MORE DAY OF HOLIDAYS?!

holy crap schools just quietly sneaking up and went BAM! i haven't finished any holiday homework, i havent finished remodelling my wall of posters, i haven't got my graphics calculator, i haven't studied, i haven't watch as many movies as i wanted too.

WHAT HAPPENED THESE 3 WEEKS?! MY GOD.

since like, the 2nd week of term two, i've been eagerly waiting for the holidays and now i feel like it just went like , whooshing past my head and now its time to go back to school again.

SHIT.

boredom makes me creative.

my internet crashed and has been dead since 11am yesterday. i'm using my brother's phone internet connection right now. guys, i seriously went crazy yesterday. 

the lack of things to do on my computer meant that i ended up using my freaking nail polish as art supplies. and that grey spot in the middle is burnt paper and its ashes ahahhaha. 

i had this like, desperate need to check my facebook/blog. omg guys it was crazy annoying.

i just went driving with my brother for one and a half hours before and we went around small roads and stuff. I'M GETTING SO MUCH BETTER OMG IT WAS SO FUN! he only let me go around 30km/h though :(

everytime another car came towards me i would freak the fuck out hahaha. but i got used to it. WEEEEE DRIVING!!! :D

glasses and gore

oh, so here's some depressing news.

went to the optometrist. i have astigmatism in one eye (meh google it) so the optometrist said i have to wait until i get my glasses before i can get my license, instead of being able to take a certificate to AA and have it done, like i was told. Glasses take 5- 10 working days. In 7 working days, It'll be august 1st and thats when the new law on the driving age is implemented, which means that if i dont get my glasses in 7 working days, I've wasted 200 and something bucks on glasses, 90 bucks on the learners test, and will have to wait another whole frickin year to get my learners.

so, well. yeah.

fuck my fucking life.

the receptionist lady there was so so nice! she was hilarious haha. she marked my order as 'urgent' and said she'd keep me updated with texts and stuff.

i've got a really boring pair of glasses haha. they're really simple ones with thin frames cuz i dont think i suit thick frames. i was gonna get those geek-chic ones that are pretty popular atm but i though they stood out too much in my face and i didn't really suit them either.

i'm trying not to think about the glasses/learners license situation too much. too depressing :(


i'm watching black hawk down right now. oh my golly gosh so many people die in this movie. so much blood! is it really really sick that i kinda like the blood and gore shit? i guess i like movies that force a reaction from me, whether its tears or a disgusted face haha. i think i'm also like, desensitizing myself to gross spillage of blood for later when i become a surgeon :)

the feeling of being left behind

it's one of the worst in the world.


so, my whole fucking asian group is breaking up right now.
not even from arguments or anything. SO MANY PEOPLE ARE LEAVING ST CUTHS.

rebecca got accepted to ACG today, which means shes not coming back in term 3.
maria's taking the entrance test to AIC on friday, and theres a 98.99% chance she'll get in.
rachel said she's leaving to ACG as well, and a lot of people have left our group or just drifted away.

As Cathee said to me on facebook:
EVEN EMOTICONS CAN'T EXPRESS THE LEVEL OF DISTRESS I FEEL.


I kinda want to go to AIC as well, but I'm on the fence about it because all the ass kissing I've done at St Cuths so far would be in vain. Haha. But AIC sounds like a good school for SATs and if you want to go to America for university. I'll go if I can get a scholarship, I guess.

So, er, can any yr13s (cough winnie, yujie) tell me whether St Cuths has any SAT prep or stuff like that?

basically, you could say i've been having a pretty shitty week.

I don't even want to talk about it.

ugh, everythings falling to pieces!!!

i think i failed my maths graph test on friday - as in, actual NA fail, not "oh i'm asian hey look i got an M, my life is over" kinda fail. i'm just hoping i don't get moved down a class...

i had a pretty big argument with a friend, which i'm feeling pretty bad about but i'm too stubborn and wussy (and tbh, exhausted) to say anything.

i found out that maria's changing schools (WTF) and found out today that like, the majority of the asian group are going to be changing schools as well!? (WTFWTF?!) 

my dad flipped his shit on me and now i'm just ignoring him cuz i'm still pissed that he got all angus at me.

and tomorrow my grandmas coming from China to live with us. .... yay. -_-" (i know thats a horrible reaction but ughh, i love her, really.)

lets play a game on listing all the shitty emotions Vicky has felt for the past... hmmm... five days?

rejection, replacement, betrayal, being left behind, not having anyone believe in me, anger, sadness, uselessness, desperation, shock, regret, disgust, hopelessness, boredom, panic, laziness, dread, bitterness.

is that all?

probably not.

but i have a feeling i'm boring you anyway with my pathetic, sad blogging.

what else do you expect from a pathetic sad girl?

i think i might bake cookies tomorrow.

pathetic whinging and a happy fucking birthday to me.

I get that my reason for being so miserable atm is extremely petty and not at all a big issue, but to me it is, and i know it's such a stupid thing to be so upset about, but I can't really help it. Yeah, I know that people around the world are starving and homeless and orphaned, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be upset about things that make me upset, even though they're really stupid things that even I know are things that sound incredibly shallow and superficial and just, not worth my time. So, just bear with me while you read this, mmkay?

I don't even know what's going on with me right now. I spent all of yesterday and today being depressed as fuck and like a zombie. I think it's mainly because my birthday's coming up on Tuesday and really, i'm not excited at all. It's actually really weird.

Every year, my birthday is always a big thing to me. I always have a party, and when i was little, i would start planning my party two months before my actual birthday. I don't know if it's just me growing up, or whatever but this year it just doesn't feel very special. My parents, my brother - they never consider their birthday to be a big event, and probably wouldn't even mention it if it wasnt for me making a big deal of it. This year, I acutally completely forgot about my birthday, and it was my brother who reminded me. I guess one of the reasons I'm really dreading my birthday is that I always put it on such a high pedestal, as in, I always want the day to be perfect. Call me self centered, but to me, my birthday is the one day it's about me, and I feel like I HAVE to have fun on that day. So, when I don't have fun that day, it just makes it THAT much shittier.

Another reasons i'm feeling really depressed is that I have this bitch of a pimple on my nose. (This may be TMI, but whatever, cuz nobody reads my blog anyway and it's basically just a ranting space.) Anyway, it just appeared out of nowhere Friday night, and I actually was THIS close from bursting into tears cuz it is huge and swollen and makes my nose look gigantic. it's like, one of those really deep pimples? like, not a bump above the skin but like, a big swollen bitch. and it really really hurts. and yesterday, i let my mum acupuncturize me because i was so desperate for it to go away (i dont want the picture on my learners license to be a picture of me as rudolf the fucking red nose reindeer). Anyway, in order to make it go away she had to do a couple of points that she warned me would hurt quite a bit, so i was like D: fuck, oaky, just make it go away. I was just so fucking miserable that when she did them, even though they didn't hurt that much, I just bawled my eyes out. For like, twenty minutes. Full out sobbing. I dont even.... know. Argh. Plus, it made me have a major headache, so, yay (!) my day just got that much better.
-______-"

I was arranging to go out with my group on my birthday after school, because I don't really want to spend the day alone and being a sad antisocial gayfuck, and we were going to watch Transformers 3 cuz i'm really extremely excited for it. Anyway, turns out that only one person can make it.

Srsly, wtf.

I don't even care about presents this year. I'm not having a party, I don't really give a fuck. I SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH ME. I reorganized the movie thing so that it was on saturday, so hopefully more people can go, but no ones replied yet and it's just making me even more depressed.

And i'm not having a cake...? I've never had a birthday where I haven't had a cake before. I guess I could just buy a random cake. And stick a couple of candles on it. A birthday without candles isn't a birthday at all.

Maybe I'll take a cake to school on Tuesday.

/shrug.

ps, the fact that my ankle still hasn't fully healed is making me go stircrazy.