but before i do the dishes

my holidays so far have been rather uneventful mainly because i've been devoting most of my time towards attaining a job however unfortunately that shit ain't going so great ya know ya feel ya capisce

aside from the early-december birthday parties, i have not really gone out much.

last saturday i went to the beach with jade which was lovely despite the gloomyish weather that only brightened up late afternoon when we were almost getting ready to leave (CURSE YOU AUCKLAND WEATHER!!!!) and i brought a bag load of books and magazines and ended up barely touching any of it because we entertained ourselves just fine by being loquacious motherfuckers

did you know that seagulls tend to enjoy hanging around at beaches, and especially enjoy your company if you are consuming a nutritious meal of fish and chips??? i had not been informed of this fact and was not exactly pleasantly surprised by the generous companionship of those white rodents with wings

i just really dont like birds cramping up my style ok LET ME ENJOY MY GREASE RIDDEN FOOD IN PEACE

i did get mildly sunburnt in a particularly odd shape, because of my swimsuit (damn i wish i could call it a bikini because calling it a 'swimsuit' makes me feel like a middle aged woman desperately clutching at the tendrils of her youth... but i cant because it's a one piece) and now i have the fucking weirdest tan line ever

but yeah it was fun

here are some pictures that jade wont let me post on facebook

in case you didn't previously know, jade is like,
super hardcore. thuglife4lyf

the first break in the clouds for the day
 jade's stockphoto reaction to seeing blue sky

she legit sprinted to the mr whippy truck no joke

before that i went christmas shopping with jade and cherry and already briefly wrote about that in my previous christmas post. basically i didnt get anything until after they both ditched me and then i got my shopper's zen on and went CRAZY, powerwalking through the stores and up and down queen street i was on fire im telling you

ive literally done nothing ugh i cannot remember anything else because i HAVENT DONE ANYTHING ELSE

oh i went job hunting with lizzi in mt eden to no avail

the outerlink bus driver was a complete dick and saw me RUN towards the bus, knock on the bus door, flail my arms around like a madman, and he still drove away. and since i'm a classy son of a bitch i yelled after the bus, screaming "WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE" and people stared at me

and this made me 15 minutes late to my orthodontist appointment. and i had to walk in the rain. AND THEN I GOT MY BRACES TIGHTENED WHICH MEANT I COULDN'T CHEW *ONCE AGAIN*. seriously, i was just getting used to them, and they fuck shit up again do u have something against me aye cunt fuckers

im trying to remember anything else i did oh man my life is so sad. ive jsut basically been walking around alone a lot handing out cv's and getting blisters and sweating a lot ugh

i got 1000+ notes on my first gifset ever on tumblr? but that's not very interesting and i've already over-celebrated this on twitter hgghahgahaha

but like here ya go




MY LIFE IS SO BORING OH MY GOD IM SORRY

the last day on earth was anticlimatic to say the least??? spent it complaining about not being at the beach and resorting to reading on the road on my deck with expired sunscreen and thinking about how much nicer the whole experience would have been IF I WAS ON THE BEACH



ok i regret making this post now because i just realised how antisocial i've been
i need to sort out my new years resolutions omg

tomorrow i am going boxing day shopping LET'S SPEND EVEN MORE MONEY YAYYYYYYYY

ok seriously now, dishes.

joyeux noel bitchessssssss

well, merry christmas my beautiful chickadees I hope you all had a great day full of joy and loveliness and laughter and all that great stuff that makes life worth living

in case you didn't have that much of a day, don't worry, because christmas is just a consumer holiday that comes along every year to devastate your bank account and cause endless hours of stress whilst buying presents

but yeah i had a good day

(sidenote i have no idea where i suddenly picked up using the word 'whilst' instead of 'while' but whenever i talk or blog or whatever i always seem to prefer using 'whilst' which makes me sound like i'm trying too hard to speak intellectually but oh my gOD I CAN NOT HELP IT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME)

stayed up to 3am last night watching the lizzie bennet diaries on youtube oh man if you have no idea what i'm talking about you should go start watching it like, right now, it's great. seriously, especially if you love pride and prejudice, DO IT.

ok i got a little sidetracked there but as i was saying

got woken up at 9 to my brother knocking on my door so that we could "UNWRAP PRESENTS" and then proceeded to wait for him to take a goddamn shower before we all went downstairs to discover what wonders there were to behold once we got past the festive wrapping paper 

my family is pretty small and the only person from my family who i can really get a present from would be my brother, since my dad (and mum) just give us money (cha ching) however i make up for this by exchanging presents with sueyeon and, this year, amy (brother's longtime girlfriend) has also been added into the mix.

my brother got me black le specs sunglasses aw yuss i hope i don't lose them or break them though; sueyeon got me a gorgeous light creamy brown leather handbag from san michelle bags and the sweeeetest card; amy got me a notebook from typo and guylian chocolates; and dad gave me $100 that's basically going to have to last me till next christmas lol OH AND MUM GOT ME VANS IN AMURRICAH FUCK YES I HAVE SHOES

i got my parents a 3pc bathroom set and a "magican can opener" which was EXCESSIVELY EXPENSIVE BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS ONE OF THOSE AUTOMATIC CAN OPENERS THEY ADVERTISE ON TV OH MY GOD I WAS *SCAMMED* the shame!!! no srsly i was so disappointed when we opened it and realised it was just a normal, overpriced can opener i just :'(

my bad for not even reading the labelling hahaha i just read "magican" and was like IT'S MAGIC OH MY GOD I MUST BUY IT

ah well i have learnt from my mistakes

i bought my brother a 4pack nivea for men face-care-products thingy cuz he needs to fix his face duh ha good one vicky bURN

and i bought amy a plastic smoothie cup thingy with the plastic straw idk what it's called but it was from typo and i wanted one so i got it for her instead haha

and i bought sueyeon those cool flippy clocks at typo and a disposable 'frame' camera that seemed endearing but im ngl i have no idea how the hell you're even supposed to use it but she likes sentimental things like that so eh

typo was having a sale, obviously.

on the same day as all my christmas shopping, i also bought swimwear yay and on that particular wednesday afternoon, i spent $138, not including bus fare.

oh joy to the festive season and all of its... festivities...

my brother got my dad a ralph lauren shirt, and got amy a new stereo for her car as well as new speakers and an ed sheeran cd. amy got my brother a ridiculously expensive shirt from somewhere i dont know as well as a calvin harris cd and something else i cant remember oops and she got my dad lindor chocolates because cmon what else could she have gotten my *dad*.

and then everyone went out for a couple hours, and for the rest of the day i watched the teen choice awards and pissed myself laughing at all the horrible embarrassing script writing and uncomfortable celebrities 

you just have to appreciate the little things in life ja feel

after that i made red velvet cupcakes and used the oven in my house FOR THE FIRST TIME

WE BUILT THIS HOUSE 4 YEARS AGO

THE OVEN HAS NEVER BEEN USED

NEVER

EVER

EVER

and i stole that poor oven's virginity like i was a varsity jock at a college frat party and it was the shy freshman, wide-eyed and innocent to the horny motherfuckers that surrounded it.

the cupcakes were a disaster by the way, i can't ice to save my life, and in case you missed my tweet: the icing bag i used was a lousy flaccid plastic bag that, after i had finished icing, looked incredibly (and disturbingly) like a used condom

which carries on my 'virginity' metaphor quite nicely don't you think

look at those ugly motherfuckers i have to deal with 12 of them

this is why i don't bake

then i caught the end of pride and prejudice on tv and once again it made me cry like a little bitch (seriously is that movie on every christmas day, every year?!) and i went upstairs onto my laptop to watch more lizzie bennett diaries and then i fell asleep for 2 hours, napping horizontally across my bed on a curled up position since i'm too lazy to clear the shit off my bed obviously

oh when i mean "napping horizontally" i mean, i was lying on the bed like... horizontally... instead of lengthways. obviously, everyone naps horizontally by lying down instead of vertically aka standing up i didnt mean that ok just go away

and then my brother woke me up to take us to the restaurant where we had the traditional christmas dinner of peking duck

wait, what do you mean people don't celebrate christmas traditionally with peking duck? yes you do! it's a pagan customary dish!!

hold up, no, what? turkey? who eats TURKEY on a holiday occasion ha wow dont be silly!!! you are so silly, you!!!!!!!!!!

wow this turned out to be a rather long post

hope y'all had swell days

i have to go do the dishes now oh mon dieu L'HORREUR!!!! (oh boy i watched an education the other day and i realised i do that pretentious thing that jenny does where she randomly speaks in french except i don't have a nice enough french accent to do it pretentiously and instead i just sound like a fucking idiot goodday)

i'm bored

 Amazing:Your OTP in 3 fandoms? DESTIEL in supernatural; DELENA in vampire diaries; BROTP in how i met your mother

• Blue: What song do you listen to when you're feeling down? ....hmmmm I just realised while trying to answer this that I very rarely feel "down", and usually if I'm upset, it's from being frustrated or angry, but not sad. And if I'm frustrated or angry I like to listen to loud rock music. I don't really depend on music when I'm in a negative mood since I like to wallow in my despair with peace and quiet idk most music i listen to is pretty depressing and chill anyway
• Cup: Do you drink Tea or Coffee? i drink both WHY DO I HAVE TO CHOOSE however i drink tea more often just because it's easier and i dont own a plunger ugh instant coffee powder
• Dopey: Tell us an embarrassing story. oh i hate it when i get asked this, like wtf do u think i like thinking about my embarrassing moments NAH BITCH I REPRESS THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS but often i do remember them in really inconvenient times such as in the shower or making breakfast and suddenly i'm paralysed from embarrassment for a few seconds and have to distract myself and think about my aforementioned otps
• English: How many languages can you speak? none very well lol (this isn't even a joke, i suck at verbal communication, especially now with braces, and i stumble my way through shanghainese which has been getting progressively worse as words start to sound unfamiliar in my mouth, and i am terrible at chinese AND I MEAN *TERRIBLE*, and lol french is totally out of the question 
• Fear: Tell us three fears. fear of things that flutter aka moths, birds, butterflies even; fear of heights but i like to see it as a healthy sense of self preservation; fear of the unknown~~
• Game: What was the last board game you played? most likely monopoly: world edition, because that is the only board game we own apart from scrabble (scrabble in an asian family is always particularly... interesting)
• Harry Potter: What was the last book you read? currently reading on the road, an education and girl with the dragon tattoo simultaneously but the last book i FINISHED reading was the five people you meet in heaven (i s2g i answered this in the last meme i did)
• Injury: Have you ever walked into a glass door? most likely
• Jump: Do five jumping jacks/star jump. you motherfucker
• Kiss: Who's your biggest celebrity crush? YOU CAN'T JUST ASK ME THESE KIND OF QUESTIONS NOW I HAVE TO DO A HUGE PRO/CON LIST AND GO THROUGH ALL SORTS OF SELF-INSERT AU'S TO DETERMINE WHO MY BI- ok jensen ackles probably
• Love: Do you believe in marriage? yeh
• Money: What would you do with 1 million dollars? pay school fees and pay off my parents' debts and pay for college and if there is any left over, invest and/or travel the world with my family
• Naughty: Tell us three things that your parents disapprove of? sleeping late, going out 'too much', my insistence on questioning and debating everything they try to tell me instead of accepting that their word is law and acting like a good bitch (mostly my dad though)
• Oops: What is one thing you'd like to change/fix? my jaw but lol i'm already getting that wish granted
• Picture: Post a pic of your lovely face.
• 
  
• Quality: Name three of your favourite blogs. smolderhalder.tumblr.com ; mostly10.tumblr.com ; edlunds.tumblr.com ; assstiel.tumblr.com ; onionchester.tumblr.com ;  fuck it's really hard to just stop at three
• Rapunzel: Name three Disney movies that you adore. what do you count as a disney movie though, does it have to be classic fairytale movies? i'm just saying that it is, or else there are way too many movies to choose from. ok, tangled, snow white, and i can't think of anything else. lion king? ,
• Star-sign: When's your birthday? july 5th put it in your diaries motherfuckers
• Teacher: What do you aspire to be? successful, happy, satisfied and making a positive difference to the world/people's lives
• Unite: Do you sponsor a cause? not really because im not educated on any specific causes enough to be a full supporter of it
• Varsity: Do you play/watch sport? i play netball poorly,am learning how to swim, and going to start dragon boating next year wooh! and no i dont watch sport.
• Xylophone: Do you play an instrument? i guess i play piano except i havent played it properly for about 2 years. 
• Yellow: What's your favourite colour? this is a stupid question i love all colours i love the blue in the sky and in the sea i love the pale pink and oranges of a sunset and i love how i am poetic as fuck
• Zoo: What is your favourite animal? ugh i regret partaking in this meme 

another one of these things

• Do you usually sleep with your closet door open or closed? i never care, depends if i've shut it during the day
• Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels? ofc i'm a cheap motherfucker im getting value for money bro
• Where is your next vacation? like, never?????
• Who do you think reads these? no one
  
• Do you have a calendar in your room? nope
• What’s your plan for the day? finish burger king application, print out cv's for tomorrow, read a bit more of the girl with the dragon tattoo (this book is really letting me down ok i dont give a shit about harriets murder) and possibly watch perks of being a wallflower online because gifs on tumblr are killing me. OH, AND COOK DINNER WITH MY BROTHER BECAUSE MY MUM'S LEFT THE COUNTRY AND NOW WE HAVE TO SOMEHOW SURVIVE ON OUR OWN
• Are you reading any books right now? lol yes girl with the dragon tattoo and i'm 15 pages into on the road because like i said, i got bored. i finished "the five people you meet in heaven" a couple nights ago, which was brilliant, btw. and nice and short.
  
• Do you ever count your steps when you walk? nope 
• Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing? there's always music playing in my mind
• Do you chew your pens and pencils? i used to but apparently you cant with braces
  
• What is your “Song of the Week”? anything from yeah yeah yeahs
  
• Is it okay for guys to wear pink? yeah??? colours are not gender-specific?!
  
• Do you still watch cartoons?  if they're on tv, sure.
• What do you drink with dinner? water or juice, which always pisses my mum off haha
• What do you dip Chicken Nuggets in? BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS
• What is your favorite food/cuisine? not chinese (unless it's made by mama xu)
• What movies could you watch over and over and still love? devil wears prada, the hunger games, iron man, get him to the greek, the social network, princess diaries, bringing down the house, 
• When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? kahunui
• Can you change the oil on a car? by oil do you mean petrol or like, inside the engine?
• Best thing to eat for breakfast? my breakfast is usually at around 1pm, so uh, toasted chicken sandwiches with a side of bacon 
• What is your usual bedtime? 1am on school nights, 4am during the holidays
• Are you lazy? this is a stupid question the answer is yES
• Afraid of heights? definitely
• Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? always wanted to be a doctor (or an actress)
• Hot tea or cold tea:  hot
• Tea or coffee? depends on the coffee
• Favorite kind of cookie? white chocolate macadamia nut
• Can you swim well? not particularly well but yay at least i can swim now woohoo
• Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose? probably not
• Who do you want to see right now? my mum lol 

family

the concept of family is this interesting and odd puzzle that is really quite hard to define. i think it's ambiguity really stems from the fact that no two families are the same, and sometimes (as bobby singer off supernatural famously said) "family don't end with blood".

For example, in my family, we're a pretty unapologetic bunch. We never really deliver heartfelt 'i'm sorry's or even talk about our past arguments where heated words were exchanged. Never. It's obviously rather unhealthy but I guess it works for us. I can have a huge falling out with my dad, and not talk to him for three days and completely avoid his existence, but things will inevitably be forgiven and forgotten after those couple of days and we'll return to normal. Is that a normal thing among families? I wouldn't know, since my family is the only family I have right now.

I guess that's not really true though, depending on your definition of the word 'family'. Your close friends can be your family, too. However, you can still be a part of a family even if the group of people involved are complete strangers to you. You don't have to like them, you don't have to trust them, but they may still be your relatives and thus, your family.

I just finished reading 'Room' by Emma Donoghue (I had read half of it earlier this term and had to return it since it was overdue, but got it out again) and in the novel, the theme of family (especially between mother and child) was pretty predominant, along with the themes of childhood and other existentialist shit like "what's really real" and whether our idea of 'normal' is only normal because it's what we've lived with and been exposed to for our whole lives etc etc but yeah, whatever, read the book and you'll get what I mean since I don't really want to explain the whole plotline tbh

the transformation: a novella. chapter one - braces hurt like a motherfuck

well
i have braces

WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME IT'D BE THIS FUCKING PAINFUL SWEET BABY JESUS LORD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL PROTECT ME FROM THIS CONTRAPTION DELIVERED BY SATAN HIMSELF FROM THE MOTHERFUCKING DEPTHS OF HELL

can we just acknowledge that i already had sensitive teeth and gums in the first place so i am quite literally (figuratively) going through hell at this current moment of freakin time

i strode out of that orthodontist office like MAN I CAN HANDLE THIS SHIT IM GOOD, DOESNT EVEN HURT
and then about one hour later shit started getting real

it's awful because the pain is just this never ending pressure and ACHE in my mouth. i'd rather you punched me in the face or womb or something because at least i will be able to heal for fucks sake

everyone has just said to me "oh you get used to it" which is really quite worrying because it leads me to believe that the pain doesn't necessarily dull, it's just that my poor body will end up getting used to this horrendous torture and discomfort, dude like what the fuck this is not what i signed up for

i tried to eat a grape. you know how you pop the grape into your mouth, and bite through it to break the skin and expose the fleshy fruit insides etc etc? i tried to bite through the fucking GRAPE and my teeth were like lol no bitch you best be jokin and they screamed in protest and i nearly cried because goddamn that was painful wE'RE NOT TRYING THAT AGAIN FUCK YOU GRAPES I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS

had a mashed potato for dinner with salmon strewn through it. and a little bit of leftover congee from lunch. i feel like an infant. caution, keep me away from sharp objects. and plastic bags.

it took me an hour to brush my teeth/floss/etc tonight. this isn't normal. i cannot live life like this.

i fell asleep watching supernatural at 3pm and slept for 3 hours since that seemed like an effective way to cope with the ceaseless pain. also, i am in a constant shitty mood don't fuck with me guys im srs just leave me alone to rot and die with my unstraight (gay?) teeth.

are my teeth bisexual now is that what it is. no hold up i feel like my teeth are leaning more towards pansexual. i definitely have pansexual teeth. hey dont hate, my teeth were born this way.

isn't it fucked up how now i am trying to fix my non-hetero teeth!? god what century are we living in?! no wonder my teeth are fighting back. WE WANT EQUALITY!!!!! EQUALITY FOR ALL!!!! INCLUDING TEETH!!!!!! EQUALI-TEETH!!!!!!!

oh my god i am so sorry jesus what am i doing hey look i blame the mind numbing pain. it's doing things to me. non-fun things.

you know what the kicker is for this situation? i cant eat, and yet i have three birthday parties to go to within a week, all centring around good food. lunch at the langham on saturday, then dinner at orbit later that night. then a barbecue on tuesday.

why

why do terrible things happen to good people



this is why people turn to class A drugs isnt it? i hear cocaine numbs your mouth if you dissolve it along your gums. that sounds incredibly appealing to me right now. panadol just ain't doing the trick, lemme tell you.

OH GOD I FEEL LIKE SUCH A PUSSY BECAUSE 80% OF PEOPLE I KNOW HAVE/HAD BRACES AND THEY ALL COPED FINE WHY AM I SUCH A LITTLE SHIT


adios

[[this concludes chapter one of "the transformation, a novella" written by vicky xu, documenting the author's courageous journey of spending thousands of dollars in orthodontic fees towards a normal-ish looking face. "the transformation, a novella" tells the inspiring story of a whiny teenage girl, weathered by angst and the internet, as she resiliently endeavours to ok no i give up i cbf finishing this sentence it's just too much work and bullshitting tldr these are a series of blogposts detailing anything related to jaw surgery and me changing my fuckin face ok that's about it. see what people have said about this book]]

i wonder if people anonymously check this blog

(do i have a fanclub)
(i wish i had a fanclub)
(that would be cool wouldn't it)
(write fics about me please)


i just assume that the only people who ever read these posts are people who already follow me on twitter so it seems kind of redundant to post about the same things twice when twitter is just so much easier for a lazy fuck like me


well, minions, if you have nothing else to do this lovely morning/afternoon/evening, i suggest you take fifteen minutes out of your day to do this personality quiz:

http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Prepare to watch your mind become blown as you realise that your whole personality is nicely packaged into a four letter acronym.

my personality type is ESFP, in case you were wondering, which I'm sure you are.

ESFPs love being in the company of other people, most forms of entertainment, sharing stories and enjoying even the simplest things.

ESFP personalities live in the world of personal opportunities. Embracing other people and new experiences, ESFPs themselves are bubbling and feel happiest in the centre of attention.

They are very observant and most likely to notice and respond to someone’s distressed emotional state

The main weakness for many ESFPs is their lack of rationality, which can lead to superficiality and forgetfulness, with more emphasis on quick satisfaction, but not their obligations and duties. In addition, ESFPs dislike thinking about the future and tend to ignore the long-term consequences, hoping to deal with them when the time comes. 

It is likely that the ESFP personality will be very practical, but not when it comes to repetitive and highly structured tasks. These people like to “drift” through many situations in life, trusting their ability to escape difficult circumstances unscratched.

ESFP strengths: 

• Have impressive artistic skills 
• Enjoy living in the present and can make the most of it 
• Both very creative and practical 
• Excellent control of all five senses 
• Very popular and fun to be around 
• Honest and flexible, with a good sense of humor 
• Brimming with enthusiasm, warmth and generosity 

ESFP weaknesses: 

• May jump from partner to partner, always looking for novelty and excitement 
• Tendency to ignore their own needs 
• May pay too much attention to sensual experiences, ignoring their own health 
• Poor money management skills – ESFP may be quite profligate 
• May focus too much on materialistic things 
• Very vulnerable to criticism, take any negative comments extremely personally 
• Dislike making long-term commitments 

well fuck me isnt that accurate as shit

fuck me i am exhausted

well, obligatory introduction on how I'm super sorry I've been so neglectful of this blog. Truth is, I'm just really fucking lazy oops

I had my final exam today which was physics and wow I just sprouted bullshit left right and centre so let's not talk about it. Tbh that has pretty much been exactly how all of my exams went since I did barely any study at all and it's probably going to show when I get my results back.

Pressure was on for English because holyfuckingshitwhadayouknow I got the English prize????????????????? It was shared with Sophie which makes me super proud since I know how good she is at english!! Also lmao in year 10, we were both in Mr H's english class and sat together in class aw yeh 10HW reppin' it

man I cannot get my tone of blogging right atm sorry if I'm coming off as rambly and lame as fuck adfkasldkfnasdfj

ps I'm getting braces tomorrow KILL ME. they're staying on for approximately one and a half years to two years. I have commitment issues ok I don't know how I'm going to survive having alien metal fixtures in my mouth that I have no choice but to stick with for that whole period of time I CAN'T HANDLE THIS SHIT

my next week or so is going to be so busy I don't even know how this happened

• 27/11 braces aka death in the mouth
• 1/12 choir audition aka death from the mouth, then rebecca+maria's birthday lunch aka cry over all the food i wont be able to eat, then sleepover aka watch sad movies and cry more but in a group
• 4/12 meilin's birthday party aka i dont even know what the fuck we're doing but meilin got a new snazzy house so we gonna fuck shit up
• 5/12 + 6/12 peer fucking support trainings mother of fuck
• 7/12 ib orientation day aka begin freaking out and regretting choosing ib before we even start ib
• 8/12 robotics volunteer day aka how the fuck are we supposed to get transport to Massey
• 9/12 choir workshop + dinner  aka sing a bit and bum around and eat and watch movies yay

soooooooo my to do list for the next couple of weeks and in the holidays is:

• buy birthday presents
• buy christmas presents
• rob a bank in order to acquire money for presents
• write thank you cards to teachers (shut up)
• practice choir audition song
• APPLY FOR A JOB
• GET A JOB
• WORK AT A JOB
• EARN MONEY
• go shopping with that money
• paint?
• go hot yoga with josh
• supernatural/teen wolf marathon with charlie
• gilmore girls marathon with steph
• game of thrones marathon with sueyeon
• the oc marathon with mei
• oh my god i watch too much fucking tv
• spend as much time at houses of friend's who have pools hahahaha 
• learn to drive a manual
• read medical encyclopaedia for shits and giggles
• read books and rec'd fics
• go to the beach a lot
• im pretty sure there were more important things to put on this list but i forgot

if you cut me i could shine

On Turning Ten
The whole idea of it makes me feel
 like I'm coming down with something,
 something worse than any stomach ache
 or the headaches I get from reading in bad light--
 a kind of measles of the spirit,
 a mumps of the psyche,
 a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.

 You tell me it is too early to be looking back,
 but that is because you have forgotten
 the perfect simplicity of being one
 and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.
 But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.
 At four I was an Arabian wizard.
 I could make myself invisible
 by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.
 At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.

 But now I am mostly at the window
 watching the late afternoon light.
 Back then it never fell so solemnly
 against the side of my tree house,
 and my bicycle never leaned against the garage
 as it does today,
 all the dark blue speed drained out of it.

 This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,
 as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.
 It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,
 time to turn the first big number.

 It seems only yesterday I used to believe
 there was nothing under my skin but light.
 If you cut me I could shine.
 But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
 I skin my knees. I bleed.

- Billy Collins

this was an unfamiliar text poem practice for english at school hahahaha i think i mainly like it just because it reminds me of supernatural and castiel in the last stanza DONT JUDGE ME

note to self to make a castiel gifset with the last stanza.... when i learn how to gif properly

To see a scorpion in your dream represents a situation in your waking life which may be painful or hurtful. It is also indicative of destructive feelings, "stinging" remarks, bitter words and/or negative thoughts being expressed by you or aimed against you. You may be on a self-destructive and self-defeating path. The scorpion is also a symbol of death and rebirth. You need to get rid of the old and make room for something new. 

To dream that you are at an assembly suggests that you are learning to accept and integrate the various aspects of yourself. The dream may also be telling you that you need to schedule a meeting. There is something that needs to be discussed.

To dream about the death of a loved one suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what you like about them. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, the dream indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life anymore.

To dream about your Facebook page represents your desires to expand your social circle. You need to reach out to others in a more direct and personal way. It is time to get out there and experience life.

Recurring dreams are quite common and are often triggered by a certain life situation, transitional phase in life or a problem that keeps coming back again and again. Such dreams may be highlighting a personal weakness, fear, or your inability to cope with something in your life. Some urgent underlying message in your unconscious is demanding to be understood. 


The frequent repetition of such dreams forces you to pay attention and confront the dream. It is desperately trying to tell you something.  Such dreams are often nightmarish or frightening in their content, which also helps you to take notice and pay attention to them.

I dreamt that my brother died and as a response, I posted something fucking ridiculous on his facebook wall that I can't remember but included the word 'lol' in it. The dream then skipped to my year group outside on a concrete area, where we were having a levels assembly and our dean was speaking. There was commotion amongst the group of 'popular girls' and they were all screaming and looking down at the floor. They stepped back to reveal a black 3 inch scorpion that scuttled extremely fast up and down the court area around them. Its body/legs/pincers on the concrete made a fast, loud, constant click/clacking noise.

The scorpion passed everyone without stopping or noticing them. It came towards me and I was getting ready to jump over it when it suddenly stopped, right in front of my feet. And then at a high speed I felt and heard it scuttle up my legs, up my body, up my neck, right next to my ear. And it kept making it's noises right against my ear and I could feel and hear it, even once I'd abruptly woken up.

The first time I had this dream, a couple nights ago, the scorpion didn't even come near me.

I went back to sleep, and when I woke up it was 8:30am and I was extremely late for school. 

Fuck you scorpion.

my feet hurt.





bye winnie ♥
hopefully my speech wasn't too awkward or incoherent - i kinda black out when i start talking in front of large audiences.

I am an ordinary girl with no extraordinary qualities, constantly complaining over cliched problems, maintaining an average life amidst a middle-class home

Once a friend told me, in a fit of passion - or rather, petulance - that my personality was nothing but a smorgasbord of clumsy experiences and a mimicry of unfit role models.

She said my humour was not my own. My way of speaking and my unusual overconfidence was something I had learnt from having a childhood with other decile-three school students. She said that all I did was imitate bits of everyone around me in order to create the being that I am.

And when she said this (obviously, not in the same words), I was offended - taken aback. How dare she accuse me of being a phony; a copy; a replica of people that had influenced me in my short life?

In return, I spat insults and threw hurtful words because she had gotten under my skin. I realised she was right. I was nothing but everything around me.

But aren't we all? Why is that something I needed to be ashamed about? What am I without the family that raised me, the friends I make, the media I entertain myself with, and the adventures I endeavour.

I still remember this argument, as long ago as it was. But now I'm not offended, mainly because there was no reason why it should be offending. Why be ashamed of my character being moulded from my environment and my living? How is that insulting, in any way?

Because you try think about each and every aspect of your personality, whether it's a good aspect or a not-so-good one. All of it can be credited to something or someone in your life.You don't wholly own any part of your identity.

But, I guess I just want to say, that's okay. Neither do I.

sorry for neglecting you

Jeez I feel like the only times I update this blog is when I'm feeling really angsty or some shit and then blurt out stupid emotional stuff.

.... which I later delete because I realise how stupid I am.

So I realised a more productive way to release pent up frustrations and anger is through a rage journal (like, a real paper journal) where I can actually use names and then burn it/destroy it later on HOW POETIC

I went to do the Motuihe volunteer work today and it was pretty good. I've decided that these things are quite nice because I always get to socialise with people I don't usually talk to, like at waiheke and at whitford. Mainly we just potted seedlings and i somehow avoided doing work that involved going out in the wind and rain woohoo

this is a really uneventful post omg sorry

batman was amazing
i started crying at joseph gordon levitt's bit at the end and then i just kept on sobbing and when the credits started to roll i could not stop and was just in hysterics crying curled up in foetal position and meilin was sitting next to me and she was crying so hard too and we were both just weeping and i actually couldn't get myself to stop and gain composure and this went on for a couple of minutes.

sat classes start tomorrow and my book hasnt arrived in the mail and im really pissed about it argh

hmmm um on the last day of school last term i went to flight of the conchords with steph, mei, and cherry. it was hilarious, of course. I'm one of those really annoying people who laugh super loud at everything and basically piss all over themselves...

uhhhh watched brave with sueyeon on the first monday of the holidays. was a really good movie! wanted to hug my mum afterwards hahaha. sueyeon then went to tonga for missionary work on wednesday which i'm so jealous of because I would LOVE to do volunteer work overseas (not missionary work though since I'm not christian and that would be weird...)

went shopping with lizzi on wednesday and went to all these different stores and felt average feels about all the dresses... and then went to valleygirl and got like 8 potential dresses HOLLA

i am the worst person to go shopping with, honestly. I take so long to get changed into them, and then decide if they're really worth it, and most of the time I just don't buy any of the 10 pieces of clothing I have in the changing room. YOLO

Thursday was my birthday, of course.

On friday I watched amazing spiderman AND ARGH ANDREW GARFIELD IS THE ULTIMATE LIFE RUINER SERIOUSLYYYYYYYYYYY i am so obsessed with him. mentioning his name to me will reduce me to fangirl tears. no joke. he is so perfect. it hurts me. i love him so much omg

went to the pediatrist on tuesday and he suggested for me to go get better sports shoes. end up in dressmart with mum and bought the shoes, two jumpers and a bag.... oops. I can't remember if the shoes were over $200 or if everything altogether was over $200 but uh yeah.

also I saw yujie there HI YUJIE

then went to go watch snow white and the huntsman with meilin and ran into emmy lmao. sigh speaking of swath, i have so many opinions over kristen stewart cheating on robert pattinson for the director of swath, mainly bcz tbh i dont think it's quite fair how everyone's just calling her a slut like wow guys how is that helping the equality between the sexes when you are just namecalling her with these derogatory, misogynistic insults and you don't really blame any shit on rupert sanders WHO HAS TWO KIDS AND A WIFE and honestly should know better...? like, yeah, kristen is to blame but it takes two to tango yknw. at least give rupert some shit too...

uhhh went to watch ted on friday of 2nd week. that shit is cray cray. 50 SHADES OF CRAY (sorry i just love that saying so much)

then i did nothing on the last week of holidays because i was supposed to do holiday homework but i really really didn't....

i really don't know why I'm blogging when I have so much to do. this weekend i was supposed to:

• study maths for graphs internal on WEDNESDAY
• finish one art final painting by tomorrow
• do my motherfucking p.e 1.4 unit WHICH IS A WHORE
• practice for talent quest
• practice for choir (nationals in wellington is in 15 days omfg!!!!!!)
• start to learn speech and drama pieces 

NOPE DONE NOTHING NONE AT ALL WOW I SUCK

art is getting so intense. we're beginning to do boards now. i really wish i didn't lose my photograms because now I have awkward spaces in my board :(

also why do I suck at time management WHYYYYYYY

also this is the song i thought i might do for talent quest however I'm pretty sure my singing teacher disapproves so now idk what song to do

also when i watched batman i spent the first 10 minutes of it sitting on the ground because I was scared there would be a shooting (and we were at the front right near the fire exit)

also did you know that 3 guys who died in the colorado massacre were protecting their girlfriends from gunfire and they literally took a bullet for them. that makes me want to cry srsly

also ball photos make me want to kms

also not looking forward to ball next year because I have no possibilities for a date, no money, no good body for a ball dress, no boobs, and probably braces....

also i'm going to fail mocks

also physics is the bane of my existance

also which subject trip/exchange should i take

also

butts

sweet sixteenth

today (yesterday?) was so so so lovely. I really do think this has been the nicest birthday since ever.

So, the moment it struck 12:00am on July 5th, I kinda just sat there looking at my facebook page like, now what...? And didn't really know what to do haha.

And then the first birthday greeting came in at 12:02am and I instantly thought of this meme:

and then my epic awesomeness of a brother strolls into my room at around 12:05am with a bundle that was my present wrapped in his maroon sweater (because he didn't have wrapping paper hahaha) and he's like 'guess what it is'

and as a joke im like 'lol a phone'

and he's like what

and i'm like ' i said a phone'

and he gets this look

and im like o wut

and open it 

and

it

is
a
fucking
phone
like
omfg

he got me a sony xperia U!!!!!

LIKE HI CAN WE GET BEST BROTHER OF THE WHOLE FUCKING UNIVERSE AWARD OVER HERE PRONTO PLZ HOLY SHIT

so I was all fucking giddy and shit and its such a cute phone but i researched it and apparently it only has 4gb of usuable memory storage space and you cant expand on that memory size so it's not really usuable since my phone is usually used for taking photos/listening to music and that takes up a lot of memory! So my brother is ofc so nice about it and he's going to trade it in for a HTC mobile that has expendable memory(?) on sunday. 

SRSLY LIKE WOW SORRY ALL MY FRIENDS BUT THIS WAS THE FUCKIGN BEST PRESENT

anyway i was playing on my phone and replying to fb birthday wishes until 2am and went to bed, woke up at 11am this morning and my mum went to go out and get the (fucking expensive) cake from eve's pantry (srsly not goign there again because it was a small as hell cake that cost $40 like wow gtfo plz)

(tasted good though)

Anyway, I get up, take a shower (sorry im just going into really deep details ok) and reply to facebook/tumblr/twitter msgs bcz yolo. then i go out to the $2 shop with my mum to get candles and we picked up new L plates as well because my old one has lost all its stickyness and is in tatters after being used for 6 months...

I clean my incredibly messy room and start getting ready for people to come over at 3:30 for the 'preparty beauty day sesh' thingy.

and i wait

and no one comes

and i wait

and it's 4pm

and im like wut

and lizzi comes at 4:10pm and im like wow where da fuq is everyone (because meilin, cherry, lizzi and jo said they were all coming to this preparty thing) and so we just do our nails and it was really like... tranquille haha

.... which is not generally what you want for your birthday (pre)party but ok.

but yeah cherry says she has to clean the house for her mum which im sure she couldnt help and meilin had a bad misunderstanding and thought when i asked her if she was coming, i was asking about the actual dinner and not the preparty thing, so she wasnt coming either...

then joanna came at 5pm from church and then it was crunch time since lizzi and i had just been bumming around haha

so ofc it takes me/us longer than expected to get ready and then we get onto the bus at 5:55pm and we're supposed to meet at 6pm hahahahha

so the 3 of us (wearing heels) hobble over from the bus stop to the restaurant(s) (Elliott Stables Epicurean Village btw) and it's 6:20 when we get there and everyone is waiting

...except from meilin, who thought it started at 7pm lmaooooooooo

and she sends us this text at 6:35pm like "IM IN THE CAR ALREADY SO I DEFOZ WON'T BE LATE"

LOL NO MEILIN UR ALREADY 35 MINUTES LATE HAHAHAHAHA

so elliott stables place is like, this place with around 10 restaurants surrounding this general area where you can sit and eat together even if you get stuff from different restaurants (kind of like a foodcourt but nicer and with waiters)

and among those 10 very different restaurants (mexican, japanese, carribean, italian, grill, german sausage, latin american, french, vegeterian, deserts...) we somehow go to only TWO. the italian restaurant where people just got pasta, and the grill restaurant where people got steak hahahaahaha. even after we went around to each restaurant taking menus!

(sorry if im not really coherent rn im trying to do it as fast as i can while everythings sorta fresh in my mind...)

it was a nice ambient atmosphere and there was live entertainment (which turned out being just one guy on a guitar in the middle of the general area) but there was lots of laughing and it was a nice joyful occasion... with lots of camera flashes and very bad photos ofc

[omg Lizzi's family friend (sorta?) guy was sitting at the table next to ours and apparently he was the ex of Lizzi's mum's best friend so he wasn't really welcome in their 'group' anymore and she hadn't seen him for over a year. But he kept coming over and asking if we wanted him to take a photo of all of us and it was nice and all but it was definitely making Lizzi pretty uncomfortable whoops!]

ok well, i got the steak teehee it was good shit. there were tonnes of wedges + a real nice salad along with it.

and my brother had my parents' card and was just going around to pay whenever someone ordered and omg srsly he was just my favourite person today ok what a top chap

so when we got to the cake i had to go around to look for a big knife to cut the cake + 9 plates and cutlery, right? and we went to big little grill, the delectable desserts place, besos latinos and none of them were willing to give me a knife. and then i went to the de niro place and they were so sweet about it! and i felt so bad asking for cutlery after asking for 9 plates and after asking for a knife but they were so great and joked around and wished me happy birthday and i was like awwww.

so yeah go to De Niro at elliott stables because they are GC's

and then we tried to put the candles onto the cake and it was so fail because they kept falling over and we had to stab them in and omg just typical dysfunction...

after an embarrassingly loud happy birthday song in a very busy dining area and my fail blowing out of candles...

.... we opened presents yay!!!!!

joanna's $100+ gift omg

okay so in total these are all the presents I've gotten for my 16th :)

• From Qi'an: Phone - Sony Xperia U
• From Sueyeon: Black boot heels (and a Ms Higgins cookie haha)
• From Lizzi: Teal Dress from Valleygirl that I wore for the party and that i adoREEE
• From Jade: Dry Shampoo, false eyelashes, Liquid eyeliner, Dr Lewinn's body scrub and face exfoliant (which looks amazing and i can't wait to try it out) and purple sparkly nail polish 
• From Cherry: Fucking awesome jewellery thingys that she MADE, lollies, a chinese 'rat' picture frame, and an adorable drawing from Chelsea (who obviously has Cherry's mad skillzz in art hahaa)
• From Josh: Covergirl Lashblast Mascara (which I totally already guessed he would get me because cmon it's josh)
• From Charlie: (Purple) Earphones that I'm using rn that are epic
• From Meilin: Gorgeous knitted white and black striped sweater (and a condom) (which i totally predicted would be given to me by someone)
• From Mei: Purple sweatpants that I am going to fucking LIVE IN FROM NOW ON and a hilarious card that my brother called verging on pornographic that I will upload below
• From Joanna: FUCKING VERSACE BRIGHT CRYSTAL PERFUME like omg so expensive i am unworthy of your gift holyshit

and I'm pretty sure Steph got me Wreck This Journal :B

So, yeah, I gave everyone a hug and told them to gtfo and go home and that was that :)

also my whole family are very embarrassing over me having guy friends.

"WAS THAT YOUR BOYFRIENDDDDDD?"

"noooo GOD FOR THE LAST TIME WE'RE JUST FRIENDS"

my brothers reaction to this card from mei was the funniest ever and also very awkward 

"IS THIS WHAT KIDS ARE INTO THESE DAYS?! OH GOD ARE THOSE TWO GUYS LYING TOGETHER?!"

And I got so many notifications on Facebook I was going crazy replying to all of them 

attractive bunch we are, i know.

you should see the previous photo to that one omg hahahaha

walking in heels wasnt as difficult as I expected it to be! especially since after the party I walked with my brother and Amy to Amy's car which was parked eons away in a carpark and I survived stairs, uphill, downhill and cobbled footpath aw yeahhhh

going to watch spiderman tmrw! after swimming at 11:10am sigh. i am so screwed for my personal response hahahaha its due tomorrow (email in) and I haven't even started it....

holidays have been super busy so far! cathee and renee are in new york which im super jealous about and Sueyeon is in Tonga doing missionary work. Lucky girls....

it's been a long time since i've posted so I'll just say here: OUR CHOIR GOT INTO NATIONALS AND WE'LL BE GOING TO WELLINGTON ON THE 15TH OF AUGUST AND IM SO EXCITED :DDDD

i like making lists

so found this website which is pretty awesome for that.

here: http://listography.com/idiosyncracies
i'm going to try to make at least one list a day.

come join? :)

also, on there is my (growing) wishlist. I am desperately needing some ideas for things to put on it!