consciousness

The problem with becoming aware of everything  - of your actions and the actions around you and what you do and what you say and how you place your arms here, there, on your hips or folded across your chest - is that you're suddenly self-conscious and bloop sorry what was that again -- something about 'confidence'?

For some reason I've always thought that having awareness is a good thing. Knowledge is power, and what better knowledge than the knowledge of your life and yourself and your surroundings?

But as I've grown to become more 'knowledgeable' and conscious to how people react to the things I say and the way I act, I've sunk deeper into myself and am chronically feeling as if I'm growing inwards rather than out at the world.

I preferred to be ignorant to the way people nervously but politely laugh or subtly glance at each other when I swear or crack a dirty joke or say something inappropriate (which I find funny, of course). Except I don't find it funny any more because you don't find it funny and neither does she and that comment didn't get a 'like' and that joke didn't get a laugh and -- I'm sorry I think it'd be better if I just stayed quiet from now on.

I don't know how to stand when I'm around new people or people I don't know very well. I speak too loud and too fast and I come on too strong and my mouth moves ahead of my brain and I'm not enunciating enough and whoops sorry that just slipped out (It didn't even make any sense, grammatically or logically) my god Vicky what the fuck are you even on about just stop please

(They already thought you were weird enough and now look what you've done!)

(You made it worse!)

But really, what are my arms doing, I can't cross my arms because I've read in all those magazines that crossing your arms when you're talking to someone means that you shut yourself off from them and it makes them subconsciously think that you're not interested, so I guess that's out. How about on your hips - no, now you just look like a beat-down mother chastising her five year old for not picking up his toys. I wish I could just dangle them on my sides but that feels so uncomfortable and unnatural even though that's the natural way to hold your arms in the first place.

I hate being perpetually afraid of awkward silences because they always cause me to fill the quiet with some stupid story that no one is interested in, with an unsatisfying ending and no punchline.

The problem with becoming aware of everything is that you end up not wanting to be aware of anything at all.

you know what's scary to think about?

the fact that in two or so more years, I will have graduated from high school.

That's terrifying.

After having 11 years of structure and consistency, what are you supposed to do once you're out of high school? Sure, you can go to university, but then once you graduate from university, then you're faced with the same dilemma.

People go through life like it's this planned routine. You're born, you go to kindergarden, primary, intermediate, high school, and all through this time, you have the luxury of someone else making your decisions - sure, it's not much freedom, but it's also not much responsibility. If your life screws up somehow when you're a kid, none of it will really be your fault. You can always blame your parents for not raising you right.

Then you graduate high school. Now what? Go to university for four years, maybe get a masters, or a doctorate, which is another four years. You're 26/27 now. Quarter life crisis?

Get a job, work 9-5 everyday. Meet someone through a mutual friend. Fall in love, get married, have 2.5 kids and buy a house.

Watch your kids grow taller, watch yourself grow older, watch your bank account sink even deeper into the negative zone.

And then one day your kids go off and live their own lives too, and your partner of 50 years will pass away and you will go to sleep at night in a too-big bed, living in a too-big house, and in those seconds before you fall asleep, you briefly wonder how your life has passed you with a blink of an eye and you wonder how you forgot about your dream to be a rockstar or a fireman or a princess or a doctor when you were 5. You think to yourself how somehow your life slipped through your fingertips and you're always just so tired and lonely and this wasn't the way it was supposed to turn out.

And lets face it, you may or may not live past your life expectancy but eventually, you succumb to old age or disease or some sort of tragedy and you're gone. Vanished, dust and part of the earth that you were once made up of. The only thing left is what others perceive of you, because it's not like you won any awards or achieved fame or fortune to leave behind.

At your funeral or your wake, people will reminisce about their favourite memories with you and they'll say "S/he lived such a full life."

But you didn't. You didn't live your full life at all.














so uh yeah i just came here to say i'm a little worried about graduating in a couple years nbd

abundance of self pity

I'm basically wasting my life away.

I watch too many television programmes. I don't get enough sleep. I don't exercise enough. I get excited over things that are meaningless and don't actually have any relevance or benefit to my own life.

I only do the bare minimum at school. I don't try extra hard like I used to. I'm not the best at anything. I can't be the best singer, the best friend, the nicest person, the best student. I can't get top of the class or subject awards or scholarships like my friends can.

Before I came to St Cuth's, I thought I was the shit, or whatever. I mean, not many people played piano at roskill, so I thought I was such a good piano player and idk, somehow, piano playing got infused into my identity. And then I come to St Cuths and get a shit g8 grade whereas so many of my other friends get distinctions, and it's like, oh.

And now I haven't really played piano properly since, what? year 9? two years ago?

I guess I kind of give up after I realise I'm not the best or never will be.

I mean, I would like to think that I'm capable of getting an award at the end of the year. I was aiming for biology, or french, or chemistry. English, even.

But I don't think my bio teacher likes me very much. my french teacher hates me and I don't learn anything in class- possibly contributing to the fact that I suck at french this year. And so many people are just so much better than me in every subject I do.

I just have no motivation to do anything well anymore.

It's kind of like rn on language perfect. I don't actually care about language perfect so I'm not sure if this is the best analogy but whatever. I'm not gonna even try to beat Cherry's 4000 or so points when I'm only on 500 something and sixth in the school. So, I'll never get first because it's just so very unreachable that I don't even bother.

I hate growing up. After all, growing up goes hand in hand with loss of innocence, right? I remember when I was little and I was convinced that I was going to go to Princeton because I saw it in that Hilary Duff movie - Another Cinderella Story, I think? And my parents loved that. Loved that I had such high aspirations.

But then I researched a bit when I got older, and realised....
....Princeton doesn't even have a medical school.

And so, my 'dreams' of going to Princeton were crushed.

Looking back I feel so silly for ever thinking I could even get into Princeton, even if they did have a medschool. Schools like Princeton, and Harvard and Yale and what the fuck ever want either high society trust-fund babies with a good last name or child fucking prodigies. And I don't fit into either of those categories.

like, what the fuck? Vicky isn't an insecure person. No way. She's this confident vivacious bundle of horrible cockiness who ruins things for herself because she thinks she did better than she actually did.

I just feel like no matter what I do, someone I know can do it five times better.



There is just so much competition. 
all the time.
in everything i do.

When is it my turn to win?

existential crisis

For 15 years on this earth, what do I really have to show for it? I've contributed to a heavy large dent in my parents' bank account, and I'm responsible for a significant amount of moth deaths, but other than that?

I don't have any hobbies. Well, I do, but not any that you can list down on a job application or talk about at a college interview. I write down singing, piano, reading, netball, writing, cooking, and experiencing new cultures. But that's all bullshit. I (evidently) suck at singing and have kinda given up on it now; I've stopped playing piano for more than a year; I barely read and a lot of the time it's fanfiction; I suck at netball (cough team 5); the most I write is when I write on this blog; my cooking is limited to omelets, scrambled eggs, fried eggs, pancakes, other breakfast foods, fried rice and two minute noodles; and the only country I've been to properly overseas is China (and even then, only Shanghai) and I quit Chinese and have forgotten pretty much everything I learnt over the 6 years I did lessons.

But really, what I actually should write down is blogging, watching and obsessing over TV shows and celebrities, putting useless shit up on my bedroom walls, tumblr, facebook, pretty much everything on the internet, shopping, movies and sleeping in till 4pm.

Basically, I'm a fake, a quitter and completely worthless.

Oh, don't worry, I'm not gonna jump off a bridge or anything. Nor am I depressed. I'm just, reflecting, I guess. It's constructive.

Ugh, I just feel like I haven't actually stuck to anything. I used to do Kumon, Chinese class, piano, maths class - all this crap outside school, and I dropped them all.

And now, singing. I'm kind of dropping singing. I don't mean to, it's just everytime I start singing I remind myself of the whole choir situation and I get a really shitty feeling and don't want to sing anymore. Actually, a couple nights ago, I had a dream where Ms Flint sent me an email saying that the only reason I didn't get into SA was because I forgot to fill out this huge chunk in the registration form about SA and so she couldn't place me into the choir, but if I filled it out, it'd be algoods. I actually woke up thinking it was real for a while (at the back of my head) and for the whole day I remembered I had a good dream the night before and kept trying to remember it. And when I did, I realised the whole form incident was just a dream. It sucked.

The awkward moment when your dreams are better than your reality.

I've actually been having really strange dreams lately. I had the choir dream, a zombie dream, a dream where I was on a cruise and a couple more that I can't remember right now. I'll blog about them later (does anyone actually care/read about my dreams??)

I just feel down.



I finished my CV and applied for Glassons, Cotton On, La Porchetta (Ben got me to), and McDonalds. IDK where else to apply. Glassons application was a biiiitch. It was so long and you had to do stuff like write about your 'personal style' and leave an answering machine recording for them on why you'd be good at the job.

Do you guys have any ideas where else I could apply?

Don't think I'll get hired by anything but maybe McD's. And I've already gotten two rejection emails from Queen St and Newmarket branches lol.


I wanted to do a St Johns first aid course but they cost like, $160 bucks WTAF.
I want to sign up for yoga. Or zumba. Or Karate. Or kickboxing.
Maybe proper singing lessons. Or art lessons. Definitely want to start up piano again.
Want to learn how to HTML/CSS. Or how to gif/do photo edits on tumblr. At least then my tumblring will actually be somewhat beneficial.
Really want to go volunteer somewhere. Preferably something hospital/medical related so I can get an insight into the job, yknw? Most volunteer places want +18s.
Guys have any volunteering suggestions?

Elizabeth Knox retirement home is very mainstream. haha. 








I feel so lost.















Last night I had an extreme craving for red meat. Like, foetal position "I NEED BEEEEEEF". Still want a  burger or something relevant atm but NO BEEF IN HOUSE WHAT and my mum wont let me go down to BK ugh.

wtf lol idek.







winnie your website is amazing.


+1

where has the excellency gone?

i dont know why, but my grades have been slipping lately.
either i've stopped trying as hard or I'm just getting shittier at everything.

life sucks.

......... and i should be studying.

Life.

Is this it?







From a fanfic (shh dont judge me):

"I'm lucky. I'm doing fantastic. I made it.  

I'm where I'm supposed to be. Where I always wanted to be.

Living the life I fought to have. 

Being the person I was always meant to be. 

And that's all that matters. Nothing else should. 

Especially not the tiny, barely discernible question that lingers in the back of my mind.

Is this it?"

And that really made me think. In future, after i've worked so hard, sacrificed so much, and if i finally get what i've been dreaming of for my whole life, what if it isn't what it's all cracked out to be? What if it's a total let down? What if, in the end, it wasn't even worth it?

I cant even decide if that's a scarier thought than the possibility of failing.

life's a tragedy

because in the end, we all die.