abundance of self pity

I'm basically wasting my life away.

I watch too many television programmes. I don't get enough sleep. I don't exercise enough. I get excited over things that are meaningless and don't actually have any relevance or benefit to my own life.

I only do the bare minimum at school. I don't try extra hard like I used to. I'm not the best at anything. I can't be the best singer, the best friend, the nicest person, the best student. I can't get top of the class or subject awards or scholarships like my friends can.

Before I came to St Cuth's, I thought I was the shit, or whatever. I mean, not many people played piano at roskill, so I thought I was such a good piano player and idk, somehow, piano playing got infused into my identity. And then I come to St Cuths and get a shit g8 grade whereas so many of my other friends get distinctions, and it's like, oh.

And now I haven't really played piano properly since, what? year 9? two years ago?

I guess I kind of give up after I realise I'm not the best or never will be.

I mean, I would like to think that I'm capable of getting an award at the end of the year. I was aiming for biology, or french, or chemistry. English, even.

But I don't think my bio teacher likes me very much. my french teacher hates me and I don't learn anything in class- possibly contributing to the fact that I suck at french this year. And so many people are just so much better than me in every subject I do.

I just have no motivation to do anything well anymore.

It's kind of like rn on language perfect. I don't actually care about language perfect so I'm not sure if this is the best analogy but whatever. I'm not gonna even try to beat Cherry's 4000 or so points when I'm only on 500 something and sixth in the school. So, I'll never get first because it's just so very unreachable that I don't even bother.

I hate growing up. After all, growing up goes hand in hand with loss of innocence, right? I remember when I was little and I was convinced that I was going to go to Princeton because I saw it in that Hilary Duff movie - Another Cinderella Story, I think? And my parents loved that. Loved that I had such high aspirations.

But then I researched a bit when I got older, and realised....
....Princeton doesn't even have a medical school.

And so, my 'dreams' of going to Princeton were crushed.

Looking back I feel so silly for ever thinking I could even get into Princeton, even if they did have a medschool. Schools like Princeton, and Harvard and Yale and what the fuck ever want either high society trust-fund babies with a good last name or child fucking prodigies. And I don't fit into either of those categories.

like, what the fuck? Vicky isn't an insecure person. No way. She's this confident vivacious bundle of horrible cockiness who ruins things for herself because she thinks she did better than she actually did.

I just feel like no matter what I do, someone I know can do it five times better.



There is just so much competition. 
all the time.
in everything i do.

When is it my turn to win?