consciousness

The problem with becoming aware of everything  - of your actions and the actions around you and what you do and what you say and how you place your arms here, there, on your hips or folded across your chest - is that you're suddenly self-conscious and bloop sorry what was that again -- something about 'confidence'?

For some reason I've always thought that having awareness is a good thing. Knowledge is power, and what better knowledge than the knowledge of your life and yourself and your surroundings?

But as I've grown to become more 'knowledgeable' and conscious to how people react to the things I say and the way I act, I've sunk deeper into myself and am chronically feeling as if I'm growing inwards rather than out at the world.

I preferred to be ignorant to the way people nervously but politely laugh or subtly glance at each other when I swear or crack a dirty joke or say something inappropriate (which I find funny, of course). Except I don't find it funny any more because you don't find it funny and neither does she and that comment didn't get a 'like' and that joke didn't get a laugh and -- I'm sorry I think it'd be better if I just stayed quiet from now on.

I don't know how to stand when I'm around new people or people I don't know very well. I speak too loud and too fast and I come on too strong and my mouth moves ahead of my brain and I'm not enunciating enough and whoops sorry that just slipped out (It didn't even make any sense, grammatically or logically) my god Vicky what the fuck are you even on about just stop please

(They already thought you were weird enough and now look what you've done!)

(You made it worse!)

But really, what are my arms doing, I can't cross my arms because I've read in all those magazines that crossing your arms when you're talking to someone means that you shut yourself off from them and it makes them subconsciously think that you're not interested, so I guess that's out. How about on your hips - no, now you just look like a beat-down mother chastising her five year old for not picking up his toys. I wish I could just dangle them on my sides but that feels so uncomfortable and unnatural even though that's the natural way to hold your arms in the first place.

I hate being perpetually afraid of awkward silences because they always cause me to fill the quiet with some stupid story that no one is interested in, with an unsatisfying ending and no punchline.

The problem with becoming aware of everything is that you end up not wanting to be aware of anything at all.

dependence is an ugly word

I don't think even I understand how much I rely on my friends. Not for them to really do anything, but for their company. I've discovered this year that my mood really relies so heavily on whether or not I feel appreciated by my friends, and the truth is, I'm feeling really really lonely and unappreciated. I feel like no one is really making an effort to spend time with me although I am doing all that I can to find my friends to spend time with them. Even in the times I do find them at lunch, they end up leaving to do other better things instead. Wow this makes me all sound so pathetic and needy but it's come to a point where I've realised that I really really really need my friends, and they just don't need me the same way. Today I was in such a good mood after morning tea because I finally got to sit down with the majority of my 'friend group' and spend time with them. Don't get me wrong, I hate these 'friend clique' things as much as the next person. But this group is a group I feel completely at ease with - people who I can be as weird as I want without really minding what they think because I know they will still always stick by me. It's not the same if I sit with other groups (who are still my friends, except I don't really have the same comfortable relationship with every person in those large groups so I always end up feeling really insecure and unwanted). Anyway, by the time lunch rolled around, I was kind of in the comfort of my friends, but only two of them, and like I said, I thrive from being in my big(ger) group of friends, when we're all together. Except that never really happens anymore. And everyone else decided to do other things instead of, you know, hanging out. This wasn't too bad until next period where I'm told by a friend that "your snark is really annoying" which seemed a bit uncalled for tbh, especially when I had noticed that friend side eyeing me multiple times throughout that day. Then I get academically shut down in what is supposed to be my best subject, and by p6 I was so, so so over everything.

I don't want to be cliche to say that no one understands, but the truth is, no one really has the same issue as me. No one gets why I can't just sit at lunch with other random groups, or sit by myself. No one has this kind of dependency on their friends. Is this some kind of social anxiety bullshit?! I have never really gone through this before. Even when I was trying to make friends in year 8, that was different. That was me not having friends, looking for friends. Now, it's me having friends, with my friends nowhere to be seen, and having their own lives without me.

what are the chances

Can someone please remind me what the point is in applying for something or putting in hours of time and effort into something if there is less than 5% chance of you winning or getting what you want.

I have a real problem with wanting to do things, and then becoming intimidated by applications, and just deciding not to even bother with trying.

Which is odd because I'm really determined for everything else I do? It's just like... competitions or scholarships or whatever that I feel like there is no way I would have a chance because there are people out there applying who are so so so much better than I am.





I wore my tartan uniform to polyfest, which was embarrassing because no one else decided to do it.

I went to the supermarket and a shop assistant told me I couldn't operate the lotto checker thingy because I was "under 15". Thanks for reminding me I look like a 12 year old, but I'm actually 16, sir!

The best way to describe how I'm feeling is 'displacement'

I feel like my self confidence in myself has plummeted dramatically over these past weeks and I have a couple theories on why, of which I shall not divulge the details to the general online public.
But in general, I think I've begun comparing myself to a couple of my friends a little too much, and it's gotten to a stage where I really just feel bitter when I see a certain someone around. You would think this friend jealousy would stem from academics or whatever, but somehow this year I'm feeling really, really insecure over people liking me or not.
I don't know.... it's just like people don't seem to enjoy my company very much. People don't find me funny anymore (did they ever?) and I am constantly feeling insecure and it sucks.
This is such a contrast to how I felt at the start of the term, when I had vowed to not allow myself to feel any intimidation or inferiority to my peers, and decided to treat everyone as a friend.
Too bad everybody would choose anyone else over me.

Also I'm finding it really hard to cope with IB and I feel like I'm barely understanding anything going on in the class most of the time. Also I am terrible at CDG and the worst in the group and totally letting everyone down. And my mum is obsessed with finding a remedy for my skin which of course means that she is constantly going on about it to me and I know she has good intentions but it's really not helping my self confidence ya feel

I really want to move seats in a lot of my classes. I remember how I was so stressed out at the beginning of term over choosing who to sit with because I wanted to sit with everyone and be friends with everyone, and it actually bombed so fucking hard.


I'm just... not as happy as I used to be. I used to feel really comfortable with everything. At school, especially. I'm not anymore. I don't even feel the content that I used to feel.

I know I'm being really melodramatic and I'm probably going to regret this post later on, but I'm just so sick of feeling like this. Feeling displaced? I don't want to say lost because I don't feel lost. I just feel... not right. I shouldn't feel like this. This is not me, this is pathetic and I need to stop overreacting to a little insecurity.

Sorry for wasting your time again

In order to make room for my massive IB textbooks I got today, I had to clear out my whole huge magazine collection of 'girlfriend's and 'dolly's an 'creme's etc from my bookshelf.

If that isn't symbolism I don't know what is.






goodbye mindless shallow teenage 'zines, hello workload.
goodbye mindless shallow teenage me, hello workdriven-academically-psychopathic-zombie-trisci me.

Mornings

I don't know about you guys, but I really don't do well with mornings. Like, mornings and I just don't mix. If mornings were peanut butter, I'd be.... wait, no that analogy doesn't work -- everything goes well with peanut butter.

But yeah, look, I'm sure I could be a super organized person if it weren't for my innate ability to sleep through alarm clocks and wake up twenty minutes before I'm supposed to be somewhere.

I say "innate" because, damn, this shit runs in the family.

Now that we've got that little prelude out of the way, I'll tell you how today's "la rentree" was.

I tried my hardest guys. I really did. I went to bed at twelve (shh that's early) and couldn't fall asleep because my body clock was all fucked up from the holiday sleeping schedule, and then I'm pretty sure I also had a dream where I couldn't fall asleep but I'm not even sure if I'm confusing my dreams with reality or not. I must've slept through my seven a.m alarms, because I was eventually woken up at 8:16am by the home phone ringing. And everyone in my house was asleep. So, yeah, definitely a hereditary trait.

So, my parents and I scrambled to get ready, and luckily I had gotten everything (food, clothes, bag, etc) sorted the night before. Go figure, there was traffic and my mum ended up completely running a red light (I could hear police sirens in the back of my mind) and I got to school at 8:40 ughhhhhhh

At least I didn't have to walk in to the packed hall full of teachers ad Y9/Y12s by myself because Mei was late as well and we shamefully strode past the back row of teachers together hahaha

I'm in Ms Diegal's class (oh my god thank the lord I have a nice tutor teacher) and the other Y12s in my class are Ella W(almsley), Lily, and Emmy who wasn't here today. And omg the Y9s we have are so adorbs, one of them is French and I'm basically going to practice my french speaking skills with her through the year wooh

Yeah and then we bummed around in the class for a while and took two tours even though 2/3 of the Y9s were old girls already and had athletics prelims which wasn't particularly interesting to talk about.

OH MY GOD THEY RENOVATED THE TUCK SHOP A BIT AND THERE IS A 60"(?) FLAT SCREEN TV IN THERE AS WELL AS ANOTHER SMALLER TV AND THEY CHANGED ALL THE SHELVING AND SHIT AND THERE ARE OTHER TVS DOTTED AROUND THE SCHOOL LIKE IN THE 2ND LEVEL OF ATRIUM JUST BEFORE THE STAIRS TO THE LIBRARY THERE'S ANOTHER TV????? LIKE OMG SCHOOL, PRIORITISE PLS -- PUT MORE MONEY INTO THE EDUCATIONAL SIDE OF THINGS.

we also have a barista working to make overpriced coffee/hot choc in the atrium holla


samai got me a shark necklace from the maldives THANKS SAMAI

two oh thirteen

Ahhh, it's that time of year again. And by "that time of the year", I mean, the glorious, promising beginning of a long and super busy 2013.

2012 was a great year for many, and a terrible year for some. For me, it was a pretty uneventful, fast 52 weeks full of a lot of late passes and stressful cramming of extracurriculars. Not to mention, the dreadful life-or-death decision of NCEA or IB.

But 2012 was also full of awesome memories like going to Wellington for choir nationals, and going to not one, not two, but three concerts (do flight of the conchords count? I'm saying they do), and turning the big ol' sweet sixteenth. Along with that, I've also developed and made some great friendships, and rekindled old ones, and best of all for the most part, I've been pretty satisfied with life, and think I've probably grown a lot as a person.

Sadly I have been seriously neglecting this blog and I have barely posted, with only 42 posts in 2012 compared to 100+ in both 2011 and 2010 whaaaat?! I think this year I might change my style of blogging slightly and perhaps use proper grammar and spelling for the most part. That doesn't mean I'm going to tone down the swearing and ramble-y tone, I just might start actually capitalizing words properly from now on, ha.

Well, let's get down to business, shall we? Here were 2012's new year's resolutions:

• All Excellences in both examinations (that means studying in the holidays....) 

I got all excellences in midterms, but not for term 3 mocks :'( curse you physics and calculus!!! I don't have results for NCEA yet nor do I want to have them... Ignorance is bliss, they say.

• Get a job and keep it so you have a steady income 

Well, that really didn't work. I'm still trying though. If you havent read my first job-hunting adventure,  read it here. Sadly, my second attempt at job hunting resulted in me missing a bus and turning up late for an orthodontist appointment where they tightened my braces and made life suckish again, but uh, I digress.

• Stop waking up after 12pm during the holidays cuz you waste your break away (this means not going to sleep at 5am every night!) 

........ Oops.

• Save money and use eftpos only for emergencies and gifts maybe. 

I think this worked for the most part? However, because of christmas, my bank account is once again, severely depleted and have I mentioned how much I really nEED A FUCKING JOB?

• Exercise everyday so that you have more energy and so you're not as lazy

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA (this may have worked for the first half of the year? Not sure, can't remember. Definitely not anymore though)

• Keep room substantially tidy 

Wow lmao NOPE

• Make more friends i.e. put yourself out there more and stop being a bitch to the people in the year under you. 

I think I tried, a little, but not enough. Better than before but I definitely need to work on my terrible attitude ugh yuck

• Eat healthy, don't overeat, drink plenty of water and learn to cook healthy things (eg not mi goreng) 

No, no, nope, and no.

• Restart piano and work on your diploma (practice everyday) 

This may very well be the most unsuccessful resolution of the bunch. I haven't even touched a proper piano piece for a year.

• Do more charity work, sign up for first aid classes, volunteer. 

Damn, I really wish I remembered to work on this one, but I feel like even if I did remember this, I wouldn't have had time to do any volunteering because my schedule was just constantly so damn busy.

• Don't let rejection get you down. 

Well, I think I probably got this one done pretty well. Got rejected from Saints, felt pretty shitty, but re-auditioned and it paid off. Got rejected from Kidsline, said fuck you, violently defaced the letter, and moved on. I can't remember any other rejection tales but feel free to remind me so I can take a trip down rejection avenue.

Speaking of rejection, I'd just like to add how my experiences with rejection this year taught me a couple of pretty valuable things. Sometimes, it's not even your fault you got rejected. It doesn't necessarily mean you're not good enough -- many times it's just because it's just not the right thing for you. You may not be suited for that particular thing, but there are so, so many other opportunities that you can take full advantage of that you  may find a lot more fulfilling. Other times, rejection is just an encouragement for you to reflect and change what you did wrong, and try, try, try again. If you don't get a second chance at that specific thing, at least you can take what you could possibly improve on and use it for future reference. Rejection isn't an end, my lovelies-- it's just the beginning.

• Grow taller, skinnier, boobier. 

Oh, I take it back. This one was definitely the most unsuccessful.

• Make the most out of 2012 :)

You know what, I think I did! I think that the extracurriculars I signed up for made me unintentionally focus on this resolution, and help me develop my person and teach me important life crap. Debating and netball umpiring forced me to be confident in self-assured, even if I wasn't. Choir was great for teamwork and proving that I could have time management skills if I forced myself to. I won't bore you with what I learnt through everything else like shakespeare, brain bee, chinese dance group, peer mediation, netball, speech and drama, pilates (lmao don't think this counts) and finally learning how to swim since I'm sure you get the point. I think that getting the top English prize is something I'm allowed to be proud of, as well as getting distinction in my speech and drama grade 6 exam, winning silver and best maori piece at choir nationals, learning how to swim, and my work on my art board. In terms of things that aren't awards, I think although I didn't get great marks in mocks, I've finally learnt my lesson after finals, and I'm ready for what IB (and 2013) wants to throw at me. 

Well, that's last year, I guess. Onwards to this year! My 2013 resolutions are... (drumroll):

• Don't look down upon anyone or have prejudices towards people because of appearance, status, or the people they hang out with. I hate it when people treat me as inferior, so what gives me the right to treat others the same way? Treat everyone equally with kindness and a good nature.
• Learn to prioritise - your tumblr and the amount of tumblr followers you have will in no way benefit you at all in 5 years time, so why spend your valuable sleeping time on updating your blog? Put school first, as year 12 is the most important year for college applications and you seriously cannot forget that.
• Be willing to help others and go out of your way to help them, but in saying this, don't sacrifice your own grades or health for it. Stop selfishly hiding your good work to yourself because of your fear of others stealing your work and taking credit for it. (Just so you know, I have this 'fear' because it's already happened once before). IB requires you to be able to share your knowledge with your classmates so that you can all help each other to study.
• Arrive early at school, every day, so it becomes a habit. Quarter past eight. Being late three out of five times every single week makes you look extremely disorganized, and also, it's embarrassing that Mrs Wong already knows you by name.
• Go to bed at 11pm-ish every night. Even on weekends. Good sleeping habits will positively affect your schoolwork, attitude, skin, and like, everything else in life.
• All 7's in All Exams. Don't leave studying to the night before your exam. CMON VICKY YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER 
• Read books that will change your life and your views of the world.
• Exercise everyday for at least half an hour (oh yes I am bringing this motherfucker back)
• (one especially for the holidays) Get up before 11am four out of seven days a week

And, finally, of course, make the most out of 2013!