dependence is an ugly word

I don't think even I understand how much I rely on my friends. Not for them to really do anything, but for their company. I've discovered this year that my mood really relies so heavily on whether or not I feel appreciated by my friends, and the truth is, I'm feeling really really lonely and unappreciated. I feel like no one is really making an effort to spend time with me although I am doing all that I can to find my friends to spend time with them. Even in the times I do find them at lunch, they end up leaving to do other better things instead. Wow this makes me all sound so pathetic and needy but it's come to a point where I've realised that I really really really need my friends, and they just don't need me the same way. Today I was in such a good mood after morning tea because I finally got to sit down with the majority of my 'friend group' and spend time with them. Don't get me wrong, I hate these 'friend clique' things as much as the next person. But this group is a group I feel completely at ease with - people who I can be as weird as I want without really minding what they think because I know they will still always stick by me. It's not the same if I sit with other groups (who are still my friends, except I don't really have the same comfortable relationship with every person in those large groups so I always end up feeling really insecure and unwanted). Anyway, by the time lunch rolled around, I was kind of in the comfort of my friends, but only two of them, and like I said, I thrive from being in my big(ger) group of friends, when we're all together. Except that never really happens anymore. And everyone else decided to do other things instead of, you know, hanging out. This wasn't too bad until next period where I'm told by a friend that "your snark is really annoying" which seemed a bit uncalled for tbh, especially when I had noticed that friend side eyeing me multiple times throughout that day. Then I get academically shut down in what is supposed to be my best subject, and by p6 I was so, so so over everything.

I don't want to be cliche to say that no one understands, but the truth is, no one really has the same issue as me. No one gets why I can't just sit at lunch with other random groups, or sit by myself. No one has this kind of dependency on their friends. Is this some kind of social anxiety bullshit?! I have never really gone through this before. Even when I was trying to make friends in year 8, that was different. That was me not having friends, looking for friends. Now, it's me having friends, with my friends nowhere to be seen, and having their own lives without me.