Freedom for the weekend, friends, family, and food from French

7.06.2013

1. My Productivity

Oh man fuck yes I was so productive tonight! Got all my weekend homework done which NEVER happens on Friday nights! I usually just spend Friday nights thinking fuck it I'll do it later but today in maths (we were doing stuff I had already learnt) I ended up just planning out all my homework over the weekend and realised I could just finish it all tonight. And that I did! Nothing feels as good as freedom to do what you want in the weekend because you've done all your homework. Still have other things to do though, like IOP and practising choir but that's alright!

2. My friends and family

You may think me odd for mentioning that I spent time with my mum watching Graham Norton or freaking out about things with my friends on facebook/twitter as something that I would highlight as some of the best parts of my day. But like I said, little things. Will Smith and Jaden Smith are just so entertaining guys - the Smith family need a reality TV show let's be real. Ended up explaining most of the jokes to my mum and missing out on half of what they were saying lol. Also, on twitter there was a bit of a hormone-influenced mania going on. I don't think I will go on any further than that to describe it.... but it involves abs. And authority figures. And some damn good Scandinavian genes. (What?)

3. History class

Ms French (that seems a safe enough last name that won't turn up on google search) randomly brought in a tray of chocolate and caramel slices today for class! Whaaaaaat! Probably left over from something but god damn yes, free food. Also, it amuses me to no end how she is asking me for my (not... legally) downloaded episodes of Game of Thrones so that she can watch them over the holdiays hahahahha.

(Extra: Oh my god Ling's love life is legit the most entertaining thing ever I s2g she is practically a Step Up movie in the making. It's is also the reason why I didn't pay much attention in Maths or Bio today, but eh)

Sevens, swims, and storytelling

6.06.2013

1. Good Exam Grades!

Shhh, let me be proud of these results - I know it's unseemly to boast or whatever, and to you, these results might not be excellent or up to your standards, but damn I'm pretty happy with (most) of them!

• Bio - 88% 
• Chem - 86% 
• Eng - 17/20 
• French - 86% for reading; 84% for writing (and let's not talk about speaking)
• Maths - 95% and 73%
• History - ....... 18/40

Okay so I am absolutely stoked with bio, chem, english, french (except for speaking) and maths paper 1!

• Chem was a total fluke because I guessed most of the first page hahaha but I did study a lot for Chem so I'm glad I got this mark. I was going to be happy with anything over 85%!
• French is RIDICULOUS because I didn't know half of what I was reading, and was just laughing to myself while I was doing my writing because it was just so bad. And yet I still got (I think?) 'seven' worthy marks! Or six? I'm not too bothered by a six because I had some pretty low expectations for French, so I'm really happy with this!
• I AM SO GLAD WITH HOW ENGLISH WENT! Especially since 17/20 was apparently the highest mark anyone in our class got! My practice commentary before the exams got a 17/20 as well so, for exam conditions, this is incroyable imo!
• Maths Paper One was fantastic and I am so proud of that 95%, but then I'm not sure what happened in Paper Two, but that's okay, most of it was just silly mistakes and I'll be more careful and less overconfident next time.
• History was (as expected) a mess. As I didn't finish my second essay in the exam, I only got a 6/20 for that essay. My first essay was pretty good though, I got a 12/20. I think the best way to look at this mark is to view it as a learning experience. When an hours up, you finish the essay, no matter what. Also, I am going to definitely learn how to condense my sentences!!!!!

So, they're not all 7s like I was hoping for in my New Years Resolutions, but I don't think they're half-bad marks at all!

2. Swimming 

So, Thursday's swimming class was basically lots of lengths in different strokes which was pretty easy. And then, as usual, I stayed in the pool after the lesson to swim on my own. I swam for twenty minutes nonstop (albeit slowly since I'm not very good) and stopped myself from getting distracted by anything and standing up. It was nice though because I could acknowledge and appreciate the feeling of cutting the water and moving through it, and having it pass over my body in waves. There's just something so therapeutic about constantly moving in a rhythm of stroke, stroke, stroke, breathe, stroke, stroke, stroke, breathe, stroke, stroke,... Also, I feel like the measurement of time just disappears because all you can see is the pool tiles, and - briefly - the sideways view of the room when you're above the water. Oh, the reason this was a nice thing for me on Thursday is because usually when I practice after my lesson, it's not a swim that has a lot of heart in it - I just go through the motions and don't really focus on the serenity of it all. And I stop after a few lengths because I get bored hahaha. And afterwards in the carpark I saw Ms D**gal (dont want full names in case of google), my tutor teacher like, in the row of cars in front of me and I absolutely freaked out and hid in my car omg. I am an absolutely mess after swimming ok don't judge.

3. Dinner

So, my brother got really excited over the return of Georgie pies and got us pies and roast for dinner. The pies were pretty average and he was really disappointed haha. I think it's mostly the nostalgia about Georgie pies tbh! We ended up trying to explain the plot and the emotional intensity of Game of Thrones (and the red wedding) to my mum and she was like [spoilers s1] "wtf why would you watch a show where the main character dies what is wrong with you"

I don't know mum

I really don't know why we enjoy the pain

A new idea, and a way to promote happiness and a satisfaction around life

Hey, so I'm going to start a new thing for this blog. I've noticed that I've only really been posting whenever I'm feeling really shitty and need a place to vent, which is something I haven't been enjoying reading back on and I bet neither have you. That wasn't the purpose of this blog. This blog was meant to document parts of my life, and I've seriously neglected to do that. I don't want to just write about the dark periods of my adolescence - I want to write about the little things that make me happy every day.

That's why I've decided to attempt blogging daily. Sounds ridiculous and impossible, I know. I probably won't even make it to tomorrow, but there's nothing stopping me from trying this out. It's simple, really: just post 3 good things that happened that day. They don't have to be big things, and they don't necessarily require an explanation or story behind them, especially if I don't have much time to blog on the day.

So, I was actually meant to start this yesterday, but I got home really late and had a tonne of homework and had to go to bed asap (which ended up being 1am) since I had choir this morning..... Not a good start. But I already planned everything I wanted to write for yesterday so I'm going to do yesterday as well as today for this first post!

I hope that this will develop my reflecting skills and help me appreciate life a little more. I think that unless you specifically try to pinpoint the good parts of your day, you're not going to look back on that day and think "wow, what a good day". Hopefully this will also allow me to appreciate the happy moments of my life during when they're occurring because I'll be thinking: "This is a fantastic thing to happen today and I can't wait to write about it later on my blog!" ha.

If you guys want, you should do this too :)

consciousness

The problem with becoming aware of everything  - of your actions and the actions around you and what you do and what you say and how you place your arms here, there, on your hips or folded across your chest - is that you're suddenly self-conscious and bloop sorry what was that again -- something about 'confidence'?

For some reason I've always thought that having awareness is a good thing. Knowledge is power, and what better knowledge than the knowledge of your life and yourself and your surroundings?

But as I've grown to become more 'knowledgeable' and conscious to how people react to the things I say and the way I act, I've sunk deeper into myself and am chronically feeling as if I'm growing inwards rather than out at the world.

I preferred to be ignorant to the way people nervously but politely laugh or subtly glance at each other when I swear or crack a dirty joke or say something inappropriate (which I find funny, of course). Except I don't find it funny any more because you don't find it funny and neither does she and that comment didn't get a 'like' and that joke didn't get a laugh and -- I'm sorry I think it'd be better if I just stayed quiet from now on.

I don't know how to stand when I'm around new people or people I don't know very well. I speak too loud and too fast and I come on too strong and my mouth moves ahead of my brain and I'm not enunciating enough and whoops sorry that just slipped out (It didn't even make any sense, grammatically or logically) my god Vicky what the fuck are you even on about just stop please

(They already thought you were weird enough and now look what you've done!)

(You made it worse!)

But really, what are my arms doing, I can't cross my arms because I've read in all those magazines that crossing your arms when you're talking to someone means that you shut yourself off from them and it makes them subconsciously think that you're not interested, so I guess that's out. How about on your hips - no, now you just look like a beat-down mother chastising her five year old for not picking up his toys. I wish I could just dangle them on my sides but that feels so uncomfortable and unnatural even though that's the natural way to hold your arms in the first place.

I hate being perpetually afraid of awkward silences because they always cause me to fill the quiet with some stupid story that no one is interested in, with an unsatisfying ending and no punchline.

The problem with becoming aware of everything is that you end up not wanting to be aware of anything at all.

dependence is an ugly word

I don't think even I understand how much I rely on my friends. Not for them to really do anything, but for their company. I've discovered this year that my mood really relies so heavily on whether or not I feel appreciated by my friends, and the truth is, I'm feeling really really lonely and unappreciated. I feel like no one is really making an effort to spend time with me although I am doing all that I can to find my friends to spend time with them. Even in the times I do find them at lunch, they end up leaving to do other better things instead. Wow this makes me all sound so pathetic and needy but it's come to a point where I've realised that I really really really need my friends, and they just don't need me the same way. Today I was in such a good mood after morning tea because I finally got to sit down with the majority of my 'friend group' and spend time with them. Don't get me wrong, I hate these 'friend clique' things as much as the next person. But this group is a group I feel completely at ease with - people who I can be as weird as I want without really minding what they think because I know they will still always stick by me. It's not the same if I sit with other groups (who are still my friends, except I don't really have the same comfortable relationship with every person in those large groups so I always end up feeling really insecure and unwanted). Anyway, by the time lunch rolled around, I was kind of in the comfort of my friends, but only two of them, and like I said, I thrive from being in my big(ger) group of friends, when we're all together. Except that never really happens anymore. And everyone else decided to do other things instead of, you know, hanging out. This wasn't too bad until next period where I'm told by a friend that "your snark is really annoying" which seemed a bit uncalled for tbh, especially when I had noticed that friend side eyeing me multiple times throughout that day. Then I get academically shut down in what is supposed to be my best subject, and by p6 I was so, so so over everything.

I don't want to be cliche to say that no one understands, but the truth is, no one really has the same issue as me. No one gets why I can't just sit at lunch with other random groups, or sit by myself. No one has this kind of dependency on their friends. Is this some kind of social anxiety bullshit?! I have never really gone through this before. Even when I was trying to make friends in year 8, that was different. That was me not having friends, looking for friends. Now, it's me having friends, with my friends nowhere to be seen, and having their own lives without me.

what are the chances

Can someone please remind me what the point is in applying for something or putting in hours of time and effort into something if there is less than 5% chance of you winning or getting what you want.

I have a real problem with wanting to do things, and then becoming intimidated by applications, and just deciding not to even bother with trying.

Which is odd because I'm really determined for everything else I do? It's just like... competitions or scholarships or whatever that I feel like there is no way I would have a chance because there are people out there applying who are so so so much better than I am.





I wore my tartan uniform to polyfest, which was embarrassing because no one else decided to do it.

I went to the supermarket and a shop assistant told me I couldn't operate the lotto checker thingy because I was "under 15". Thanks for reminding me I look like a 12 year old, but I'm actually 16, sir!

The best way to describe how I'm feeling is 'displacement'

I feel like my self confidence in myself has plummeted dramatically over these past weeks and I have a couple theories on why, of which I shall not divulge the details to the general online public.
But in general, I think I've begun comparing myself to a couple of my friends a little too much, and it's gotten to a stage where I really just feel bitter when I see a certain someone around. You would think this friend jealousy would stem from academics or whatever, but somehow this year I'm feeling really, really insecure over people liking me or not.
I don't know.... it's just like people don't seem to enjoy my company very much. People don't find me funny anymore (did they ever?) and I am constantly feeling insecure and it sucks.
This is such a contrast to how I felt at the start of the term, when I had vowed to not allow myself to feel any intimidation or inferiority to my peers, and decided to treat everyone as a friend.
Too bad everybody would choose anyone else over me.

Also I'm finding it really hard to cope with IB and I feel like I'm barely understanding anything going on in the class most of the time. Also I am terrible at CDG and the worst in the group and totally letting everyone down. And my mum is obsessed with finding a remedy for my skin which of course means that she is constantly going on about it to me and I know she has good intentions but it's really not helping my self confidence ya feel

I really want to move seats in a lot of my classes. I remember how I was so stressed out at the beginning of term over choosing who to sit with because I wanted to sit with everyone and be friends with everyone, and it actually bombed so fucking hard.


I'm just... not as happy as I used to be. I used to feel really comfortable with everything. At school, especially. I'm not anymore. I don't even feel the content that I used to feel.

I know I'm being really melodramatic and I'm probably going to regret this post later on, but I'm just so sick of feeling like this. Feeling displaced? I don't want to say lost because I don't feel lost. I just feel... not right. I shouldn't feel like this. This is not me, this is pathetic and I need to stop overreacting to a little insecurity.

Sorry for wasting your time again