my feet hurt.





bye winnie ♥
hopefully my speech wasn't too awkward or incoherent - i kinda black out when i start talking in front of large audiences.

I am an ordinary girl with no extraordinary qualities, constantly complaining over cliched problems, maintaining an average life amidst a middle-class home

Once a friend told me, in a fit of passion - or rather, petulance - that my personality was nothing but a smorgasbord of clumsy experiences and a mimicry of unfit role models.

She said my humour was not my own. My way of speaking and my unusual overconfidence was something I had learnt from having a childhood with other decile-three school students. She said that all I did was imitate bits of everyone around me in order to create the being that I am.

And when she said this (obviously, not in the same words), I was offended - taken aback. How dare she accuse me of being a phony; a copy; a replica of people that had influenced me in my short life?

In return, I spat insults and threw hurtful words because she had gotten under my skin. I realised she was right. I was nothing but everything around me.

But aren't we all? Why is that something I needed to be ashamed about? What am I without the family that raised me, the friends I make, the media I entertain myself with, and the adventures I endeavour.

I still remember this argument, as long ago as it was. But now I'm not offended, mainly because there was no reason why it should be offending. Why be ashamed of my character being moulded from my environment and my living? How is that insulting, in any way?

Because you try think about each and every aspect of your personality, whether it's a good aspect or a not-so-good one. All of it can be credited to something or someone in your life.You don't wholly own any part of your identity.

But, I guess I just want to say, that's okay. Neither do I.

sorry for neglecting you

Jeez I feel like the only times I update this blog is when I'm feeling really angsty or some shit and then blurt out stupid emotional stuff.

.... which I later delete because I realise how stupid I am.

So I realised a more productive way to release pent up frustrations and anger is through a rage journal (like, a real paper journal) where I can actually use names and then burn it/destroy it later on HOW POETIC

I went to do the Motuihe volunteer work today and it was pretty good. I've decided that these things are quite nice because I always get to socialise with people I don't usually talk to, like at waiheke and at whitford. Mainly we just potted seedlings and i somehow avoided doing work that involved going out in the wind and rain woohoo

this is a really uneventful post omg sorry

batman was amazing
i started crying at joseph gordon levitt's bit at the end and then i just kept on sobbing and when the credits started to roll i could not stop and was just in hysterics crying curled up in foetal position and meilin was sitting next to me and she was crying so hard too and we were both just weeping and i actually couldn't get myself to stop and gain composure and this went on for a couple of minutes.

sat classes start tomorrow and my book hasnt arrived in the mail and im really pissed about it argh

hmmm um on the last day of school last term i went to flight of the conchords with steph, mei, and cherry. it was hilarious, of course. I'm one of those really annoying people who laugh super loud at everything and basically piss all over themselves...

uhhhh watched brave with sueyeon on the first monday of the holidays. was a really good movie! wanted to hug my mum afterwards hahaha. sueyeon then went to tonga for missionary work on wednesday which i'm so jealous of because I would LOVE to do volunteer work overseas (not missionary work though since I'm not christian and that would be weird...)

went shopping with lizzi on wednesday and went to all these different stores and felt average feels about all the dresses... and then went to valleygirl and got like 8 potential dresses HOLLA

i am the worst person to go shopping with, honestly. I take so long to get changed into them, and then decide if they're really worth it, and most of the time I just don't buy any of the 10 pieces of clothing I have in the changing room. YOLO

Thursday was my birthday, of course.

On friday I watched amazing spiderman AND ARGH ANDREW GARFIELD IS THE ULTIMATE LIFE RUINER SERIOUSLYYYYYYYYYYY i am so obsessed with him. mentioning his name to me will reduce me to fangirl tears. no joke. he is so perfect. it hurts me. i love him so much omg

went to the pediatrist on tuesday and he suggested for me to go get better sports shoes. end up in dressmart with mum and bought the shoes, two jumpers and a bag.... oops. I can't remember if the shoes were over $200 or if everything altogether was over $200 but uh yeah.

also I saw yujie there HI YUJIE

then went to go watch snow white and the huntsman with meilin and ran into emmy lmao. sigh speaking of swath, i have so many opinions over kristen stewart cheating on robert pattinson for the director of swath, mainly bcz tbh i dont think it's quite fair how everyone's just calling her a slut like wow guys how is that helping the equality between the sexes when you are just namecalling her with these derogatory, misogynistic insults and you don't really blame any shit on rupert sanders WHO HAS TWO KIDS AND A WIFE and honestly should know better...? like, yeah, kristen is to blame but it takes two to tango yknw. at least give rupert some shit too...

uhhh went to watch ted on friday of 2nd week. that shit is cray cray. 50 SHADES OF CRAY (sorry i just love that saying so much)

then i did nothing on the last week of holidays because i was supposed to do holiday homework but i really really didn't....

i really don't know why I'm blogging when I have so much to do. this weekend i was supposed to:

• study maths for graphs internal on WEDNESDAY
• finish one art final painting by tomorrow
• do my motherfucking p.e 1.4 unit WHICH IS A WHORE
• practice for talent quest
• practice for choir (nationals in wellington is in 15 days omfg!!!!!!)
• start to learn speech and drama pieces 

NOPE DONE NOTHING NONE AT ALL WOW I SUCK

art is getting so intense. we're beginning to do boards now. i really wish i didn't lose my photograms because now I have awkward spaces in my board :(

also why do I suck at time management WHYYYYYYY

also this is the song i thought i might do for talent quest however I'm pretty sure my singing teacher disapproves so now idk what song to do

also when i watched batman i spent the first 10 minutes of it sitting on the ground because I was scared there would be a shooting (and we were at the front right near the fire exit)

also did you know that 3 guys who died in the colorado massacre were protecting their girlfriends from gunfire and they literally took a bullet for them. that makes me want to cry srsly

also ball photos make me want to kms

also not looking forward to ball next year because I have no possibilities for a date, no money, no good body for a ball dress, no boobs, and probably braces....

also i'm going to fail mocks

also physics is the bane of my existance

also which subject trip/exchange should i take

also

butts

sweet sixteenth

today (yesterday?) was so so so lovely. I really do think this has been the nicest birthday since ever.

So, the moment it struck 12:00am on July 5th, I kinda just sat there looking at my facebook page like, now what...? And didn't really know what to do haha.

And then the first birthday greeting came in at 12:02am and I instantly thought of this meme:

and then my epic awesomeness of a brother strolls into my room at around 12:05am with a bundle that was my present wrapped in his maroon sweater (because he didn't have wrapping paper hahaha) and he's like 'guess what it is'

and as a joke im like 'lol a phone'

and he's like what

and i'm like ' i said a phone'

and he gets this look

and im like o wut

and open it 

and

it

is
a
fucking
phone
like
omfg

he got me a sony xperia U!!!!!

LIKE HI CAN WE GET BEST BROTHER OF THE WHOLE FUCKING UNIVERSE AWARD OVER HERE PRONTO PLZ HOLY SHIT

so I was all fucking giddy and shit and its such a cute phone but i researched it and apparently it only has 4gb of usuable memory storage space and you cant expand on that memory size so it's not really usuable since my phone is usually used for taking photos/listening to music and that takes up a lot of memory! So my brother is ofc so nice about it and he's going to trade it in for a HTC mobile that has expendable memory(?) on sunday. 

SRSLY LIKE WOW SORRY ALL MY FRIENDS BUT THIS WAS THE FUCKIGN BEST PRESENT

anyway i was playing on my phone and replying to fb birthday wishes until 2am and went to bed, woke up at 11am this morning and my mum went to go out and get the (fucking expensive) cake from eve's pantry (srsly not goign there again because it was a small as hell cake that cost $40 like wow gtfo plz)

(tasted good though)

Anyway, I get up, take a shower (sorry im just going into really deep details ok) and reply to facebook/tumblr/twitter msgs bcz yolo. then i go out to the $2 shop with my mum to get candles and we picked up new L plates as well because my old one has lost all its stickyness and is in tatters after being used for 6 months...

I clean my incredibly messy room and start getting ready for people to come over at 3:30 for the 'preparty beauty day sesh' thingy.

and i wait

and no one comes

and i wait

and it's 4pm

and im like wut

and lizzi comes at 4:10pm and im like wow where da fuq is everyone (because meilin, cherry, lizzi and jo said they were all coming to this preparty thing) and so we just do our nails and it was really like... tranquille haha

.... which is not generally what you want for your birthday (pre)party but ok.

but yeah cherry says she has to clean the house for her mum which im sure she couldnt help and meilin had a bad misunderstanding and thought when i asked her if she was coming, i was asking about the actual dinner and not the preparty thing, so she wasnt coming either...

then joanna came at 5pm from church and then it was crunch time since lizzi and i had just been bumming around haha

so ofc it takes me/us longer than expected to get ready and then we get onto the bus at 5:55pm and we're supposed to meet at 6pm hahahahha

so the 3 of us (wearing heels) hobble over from the bus stop to the restaurant(s) (Elliott Stables Epicurean Village btw) and it's 6:20 when we get there and everyone is waiting

...except from meilin, who thought it started at 7pm lmaooooooooo

and she sends us this text at 6:35pm like "IM IN THE CAR ALREADY SO I DEFOZ WON'T BE LATE"

LOL NO MEILIN UR ALREADY 35 MINUTES LATE HAHAHAHAHA

so elliott stables place is like, this place with around 10 restaurants surrounding this general area where you can sit and eat together even if you get stuff from different restaurants (kind of like a foodcourt but nicer and with waiters)

and among those 10 very different restaurants (mexican, japanese, carribean, italian, grill, german sausage, latin american, french, vegeterian, deserts...) we somehow go to only TWO. the italian restaurant where people just got pasta, and the grill restaurant where people got steak hahahaahaha. even after we went around to each restaurant taking menus!

(sorry if im not really coherent rn im trying to do it as fast as i can while everythings sorta fresh in my mind...)

it was a nice ambient atmosphere and there was live entertainment (which turned out being just one guy on a guitar in the middle of the general area) but there was lots of laughing and it was a nice joyful occasion... with lots of camera flashes and very bad photos ofc

[omg Lizzi's family friend (sorta?) guy was sitting at the table next to ours and apparently he was the ex of Lizzi's mum's best friend so he wasn't really welcome in their 'group' anymore and she hadn't seen him for over a year. But he kept coming over and asking if we wanted him to take a photo of all of us and it was nice and all but it was definitely making Lizzi pretty uncomfortable whoops!]

ok well, i got the steak teehee it was good shit. there were tonnes of wedges + a real nice salad along with it.

and my brother had my parents' card and was just going around to pay whenever someone ordered and omg srsly he was just my favourite person today ok what a top chap

so when we got to the cake i had to go around to look for a big knife to cut the cake + 9 plates and cutlery, right? and we went to big little grill, the delectable desserts place, besos latinos and none of them were willing to give me a knife. and then i went to the de niro place and they were so sweet about it! and i felt so bad asking for cutlery after asking for 9 plates and after asking for a knife but they were so great and joked around and wished me happy birthday and i was like awwww.

so yeah go to De Niro at elliott stables because they are GC's

and then we tried to put the candles onto the cake and it was so fail because they kept falling over and we had to stab them in and omg just typical dysfunction...

after an embarrassingly loud happy birthday song in a very busy dining area and my fail blowing out of candles...

.... we opened presents yay!!!!!

joanna's $100+ gift omg

okay so in total these are all the presents I've gotten for my 16th :)

• From Qi'an: Phone - Sony Xperia U
• From Sueyeon: Black boot heels (and a Ms Higgins cookie haha)
• From Lizzi: Teal Dress from Valleygirl that I wore for the party and that i adoREEE
• From Jade: Dry Shampoo, false eyelashes, Liquid eyeliner, Dr Lewinn's body scrub and face exfoliant (which looks amazing and i can't wait to try it out) and purple sparkly nail polish 
• From Cherry: Fucking awesome jewellery thingys that she MADE, lollies, a chinese 'rat' picture frame, and an adorable drawing from Chelsea (who obviously has Cherry's mad skillzz in art hahaa)
• From Josh: Covergirl Lashblast Mascara (which I totally already guessed he would get me because cmon it's josh)
• From Charlie: (Purple) Earphones that I'm using rn that are epic
• From Meilin: Gorgeous knitted white and black striped sweater (and a condom) (which i totally predicted would be given to me by someone)
• From Mei: Purple sweatpants that I am going to fucking LIVE IN FROM NOW ON and a hilarious card that my brother called verging on pornographic that I will upload below
• From Joanna: FUCKING VERSACE BRIGHT CRYSTAL PERFUME like omg so expensive i am unworthy of your gift holyshit

and I'm pretty sure Steph got me Wreck This Journal :B

So, yeah, I gave everyone a hug and told them to gtfo and go home and that was that :)

also my whole family are very embarrassing over me having guy friends.

"WAS THAT YOUR BOYFRIENDDDDDD?"

"noooo GOD FOR THE LAST TIME WE'RE JUST FRIENDS"

my brothers reaction to this card from mei was the funniest ever and also very awkward 

"IS THIS WHAT KIDS ARE INTO THESE DAYS?! OH GOD ARE THOSE TWO GUYS LYING TOGETHER?!"

And I got so many notifications on Facebook I was going crazy replying to all of them 

attractive bunch we are, i know.

you should see the previous photo to that one omg hahahaha

walking in heels wasnt as difficult as I expected it to be! especially since after the party I walked with my brother and Amy to Amy's car which was parked eons away in a carpark and I survived stairs, uphill, downhill and cobbled footpath aw yeahhhh

going to watch spiderman tmrw! after swimming at 11:10am sigh. i am so screwed for my personal response hahahaha its due tomorrow (email in) and I haven't even started it....

holidays have been super busy so far! cathee and renee are in new york which im super jealous about and Sueyeon is in Tonga doing missionary work. Lucky girls....

it's been a long time since i've posted so I'll just say here: OUR CHOIR GOT INTO NATIONALS AND WE'LL BE GOING TO WELLINGTON ON THE 15TH OF AUGUST AND IM SO EXCITED :DDDD

i like making lists

so found this website which is pretty awesome for that.

here: http://listography.com/idiosyncracies
i'm going to try to make at least one list a day.

come join? :)

also, on there is my (growing) wishlist. I am desperately needing some ideas for things to put on it!

sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyy

ok well I just want to APOLOGIZE PROFUSELY for any shitty try-hard wow-i-am-so-deep posts i've ever made in the past and apologize in advance for the inevitable moody posts i make in the future.

like man I never realised how cringe worthy my posts were

also i've read a couple of people's blogs who also have really really cringe worthy 'wah fml so depressed im soooo in love' posts
no one pple know irl dw lol just people i've come across while blogwalking

but yeah man someone smack some sense into me



oh and i realise my last post made lots of people depressed. sorry, again.




oh exciting turn of events yesterday I FUCKING SPRAINED MY ANKLE AGAIN ugh
so of course that meant i could no longer go on the tramp i was gonna go on tomorrow that would finish up my duke of ed. i am so gutted :(
legit like the worst day ever yesterday. i had to walk up and down the school from sports centre to science to pac to robertson to pe etc etc while being embarrassingly crippled.

HORRIBLE

and i was stuck in traffic for about 2 hours. fun

and when i go back home THERE WERE SWARMS OF ANTS ON MY DESK ughhhhhhhh
and then after i sprayed them all, i  look down at my bed and in the corner there are like 20 dead ants and on the floor there are like 20 dead ants as well and idk if they were from my desk and flew onto my bed from the wind of the spray or if they were already on my bed BUT EITHER WAY IT WAS DISGUSTING AND RUINED MY DAY MORE THAN SPRAINING MY ANKLE.







only good thing that came out of yesterday was that i got all my results back from exams (apart from art) and I got all excellences AWWWW YESSSSSSSS WHO DA MAN

you know what's scary to think about?

the fact that in two or so more years, I will have graduated from high school.

That's terrifying.

After having 11 years of structure and consistency, what are you supposed to do once you're out of high school? Sure, you can go to university, but then once you graduate from university, then you're faced with the same dilemma.

People go through life like it's this planned routine. You're born, you go to kindergarden, primary, intermediate, high school, and all through this time, you have the luxury of someone else making your decisions - sure, it's not much freedom, but it's also not much responsibility. If your life screws up somehow when you're a kid, none of it will really be your fault. You can always blame your parents for not raising you right.

Then you graduate high school. Now what? Go to university for four years, maybe get a masters, or a doctorate, which is another four years. You're 26/27 now. Quarter life crisis?

Get a job, work 9-5 everyday. Meet someone through a mutual friend. Fall in love, get married, have 2.5 kids and buy a house.

Watch your kids grow taller, watch yourself grow older, watch your bank account sink even deeper into the negative zone.

And then one day your kids go off and live their own lives too, and your partner of 50 years will pass away and you will go to sleep at night in a too-big bed, living in a too-big house, and in those seconds before you fall asleep, you briefly wonder how your life has passed you with a blink of an eye and you wonder how you forgot about your dream to be a rockstar or a fireman or a princess or a doctor when you were 5. You think to yourself how somehow your life slipped through your fingertips and you're always just so tired and lonely and this wasn't the way it was supposed to turn out.

And lets face it, you may or may not live past your life expectancy but eventually, you succumb to old age or disease or some sort of tragedy and you're gone. Vanished, dust and part of the earth that you were once made up of. The only thing left is what others perceive of you, because it's not like you won any awards or achieved fame or fortune to leave behind.

At your funeral or your wake, people will reminisce about their favourite memories with you and they'll say "S/he lived such a full life."

But you didn't. You didn't live your full life at all.














so uh yeah i just came here to say i'm a little worried about graduating in a couple years nbd