the transformation: a novella. chapter one - braces hurt like a motherfuck

well
i have braces

WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME IT'D BE THIS FUCKING PAINFUL SWEET BABY JESUS LORD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL PROTECT ME FROM THIS CONTRAPTION DELIVERED BY SATAN HIMSELF FROM THE MOTHERFUCKING DEPTHS OF HELL

can we just acknowledge that i already had sensitive teeth and gums in the first place so i am quite literally (figuratively) going through hell at this current moment of freakin time

i strode out of that orthodontist office like MAN I CAN HANDLE THIS SHIT IM GOOD, DOESNT EVEN HURT
and then about one hour later shit started getting real

it's awful because the pain is just this never ending pressure and ACHE in my mouth. i'd rather you punched me in the face or womb or something because at least i will be able to heal for fucks sake

everyone has just said to me "oh you get used to it" which is really quite worrying because it leads me to believe that the pain doesn't necessarily dull, it's just that my poor body will end up getting used to this horrendous torture and discomfort, dude like what the fuck this is not what i signed up for

i tried to eat a grape. you know how you pop the grape into your mouth, and bite through it to break the skin and expose the fleshy fruit insides etc etc? i tried to bite through the fucking GRAPE and my teeth were like lol no bitch you best be jokin and they screamed in protest and i nearly cried because goddamn that was painful wE'RE NOT TRYING THAT AGAIN FUCK YOU GRAPES I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS

had a mashed potato for dinner with salmon strewn through it. and a little bit of leftover congee from lunch. i feel like an infant. caution, keep me away from sharp objects. and plastic bags.

it took me an hour to brush my teeth/floss/etc tonight. this isn't normal. i cannot live life like this.

i fell asleep watching supernatural at 3pm and slept for 3 hours since that seemed like an effective way to cope with the ceaseless pain. also, i am in a constant shitty mood don't fuck with me guys im srs just leave me alone to rot and die with my unstraight (gay?) teeth.

are my teeth bisexual now is that what it is. no hold up i feel like my teeth are leaning more towards pansexual. i definitely have pansexual teeth. hey dont hate, my teeth were born this way.

isn't it fucked up how now i am trying to fix my non-hetero teeth!? god what century are we living in?! no wonder my teeth are fighting back. WE WANT EQUALITY!!!!! EQUALITY FOR ALL!!!! INCLUDING TEETH!!!!!! EQUALI-TEETH!!!!!!!

oh my god i am so sorry jesus what am i doing hey look i blame the mind numbing pain. it's doing things to me. non-fun things.

you know what the kicker is for this situation? i cant eat, and yet i have three birthday parties to go to within a week, all centring around good food. lunch at the langham on saturday, then dinner at orbit later that night. then a barbecue on tuesday.

why

why do terrible things happen to good people



this is why people turn to class A drugs isnt it? i hear cocaine numbs your mouth if you dissolve it along your gums. that sounds incredibly appealing to me right now. panadol just ain't doing the trick, lemme tell you.

OH GOD I FEEL LIKE SUCH A PUSSY BECAUSE 80% OF PEOPLE I KNOW HAVE/HAD BRACES AND THEY ALL COPED FINE WHY AM I SUCH A LITTLE SHIT


adios

[[this concludes chapter one of "the transformation, a novella" written by vicky xu, documenting the author's courageous journey of spending thousands of dollars in orthodontic fees towards a normal-ish looking face. "the transformation, a novella" tells the inspiring story of a whiny teenage girl, weathered by angst and the internet, as she resiliently endeavours to ok no i give up i cbf finishing this sentence it's just too much work and bullshitting tldr these are a series of blogposts detailing anything related to jaw surgery and me changing my fuckin face ok that's about it. see what people have said about this book]]

i wonder if people anonymously check this blog

(do i have a fanclub)
(i wish i had a fanclub)
(that would be cool wouldn't it)
(write fics about me please)


i just assume that the only people who ever read these posts are people who already follow me on twitter so it seems kind of redundant to post about the same things twice when twitter is just so much easier for a lazy fuck like me


well, minions, if you have nothing else to do this lovely morning/afternoon/evening, i suggest you take fifteen minutes out of your day to do this personality quiz:

http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Prepare to watch your mind become blown as you realise that your whole personality is nicely packaged into a four letter acronym.

my personality type is ESFP, in case you were wondering, which I'm sure you are.

ESFPs love being in the company of other people, most forms of entertainment, sharing stories and enjoying even the simplest things.

ESFP personalities live in the world of personal opportunities. Embracing other people and new experiences, ESFPs themselves are bubbling and feel happiest in the centre of attention.

They are very observant and most likely to notice and respond to someone’s distressed emotional state

The main weakness for many ESFPs is their lack of rationality, which can lead to superficiality and forgetfulness, with more emphasis on quick satisfaction, but not their obligations and duties. In addition, ESFPs dislike thinking about the future and tend to ignore the long-term consequences, hoping to deal with them when the time comes. 

It is likely that the ESFP personality will be very practical, but not when it comes to repetitive and highly structured tasks. These people like to “drift” through many situations in life, trusting their ability to escape difficult circumstances unscratched.

ESFP strengths: 

• Have impressive artistic skills 
• Enjoy living in the present and can make the most of it 
• Both very creative and practical 
• Excellent control of all five senses 
• Very popular and fun to be around 
• Honest and flexible, with a good sense of humor 
• Brimming with enthusiasm, warmth and generosity 

ESFP weaknesses: 

• May jump from partner to partner, always looking for novelty and excitement 
• Tendency to ignore their own needs 
• May pay too much attention to sensual experiences, ignoring their own health 
• Poor money management skills – ESFP may be quite profligate 
• May focus too much on materialistic things 
• Very vulnerable to criticism, take any negative comments extremely personally 
• Dislike making long-term commitments 

well fuck me isnt that accurate as shit

fuck me i am exhausted

well, obligatory introduction on how I'm super sorry I've been so neglectful of this blog. Truth is, I'm just really fucking lazy oops

I had my final exam today which was physics and wow I just sprouted bullshit left right and centre so let's not talk about it. Tbh that has pretty much been exactly how all of my exams went since I did barely any study at all and it's probably going to show when I get my results back.

Pressure was on for English because holyfuckingshitwhadayouknow I got the English prize????????????????? It was shared with Sophie which makes me super proud since I know how good she is at english!! Also lmao in year 10, we were both in Mr H's english class and sat together in class aw yeh 10HW reppin' it

man I cannot get my tone of blogging right atm sorry if I'm coming off as rambly and lame as fuck adfkasldkfnasdfj

ps I'm getting braces tomorrow KILL ME. they're staying on for approximately one and a half years to two years. I have commitment issues ok I don't know how I'm going to survive having alien metal fixtures in my mouth that I have no choice but to stick with for that whole period of time I CAN'T HANDLE THIS SHIT

my next week or so is going to be so busy I don't even know how this happened

• 27/11 braces aka death in the mouth
• 1/12 choir audition aka death from the mouth, then rebecca+maria's birthday lunch aka cry over all the food i wont be able to eat, then sleepover aka watch sad movies and cry more but in a group
• 4/12 meilin's birthday party aka i dont even know what the fuck we're doing but meilin got a new snazzy house so we gonna fuck shit up
• 5/12 + 6/12 peer fucking support trainings mother of fuck
• 7/12 ib orientation day aka begin freaking out and regretting choosing ib before we even start ib
• 8/12 robotics volunteer day aka how the fuck are we supposed to get transport to Massey
• 9/12 choir workshop + dinner  aka sing a bit and bum around and eat and watch movies yay

soooooooo my to do list for the next couple of weeks and in the holidays is:

• buy birthday presents
• buy christmas presents
• rob a bank in order to acquire money for presents
• write thank you cards to teachers (shut up)
• practice choir audition song
• APPLY FOR A JOB
• GET A JOB
• WORK AT A JOB
• EARN MONEY
• go shopping with that money
• paint?
• go hot yoga with josh
• supernatural/teen wolf marathon with charlie
• gilmore girls marathon with steph
• game of thrones marathon with sueyeon
• the oc marathon with mei
• oh my god i watch too much fucking tv
• spend as much time at houses of friend's who have pools hahahaha 
• learn to drive a manual
• read medical encyclopaedia for shits and giggles
• read books and rec'd fics
• go to the beach a lot
• im pretty sure there were more important things to put on this list but i forgot

if you cut me i could shine

On Turning Ten
The whole idea of it makes me feel
 like I'm coming down with something,
 something worse than any stomach ache
 or the headaches I get from reading in bad light--
 a kind of measles of the spirit,
 a mumps of the psyche,
 a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.

 You tell me it is too early to be looking back,
 but that is because you have forgotten
 the perfect simplicity of being one
 and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.
 But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.
 At four I was an Arabian wizard.
 I could make myself invisible
 by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.
 At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.

 But now I am mostly at the window
 watching the late afternoon light.
 Back then it never fell so solemnly
 against the side of my tree house,
 and my bicycle never leaned against the garage
 as it does today,
 all the dark blue speed drained out of it.

 This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,
 as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.
 It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,
 time to turn the first big number.

 It seems only yesterday I used to believe
 there was nothing under my skin but light.
 If you cut me I could shine.
 But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
 I skin my knees. I bleed.

- Billy Collins

this was an unfamiliar text poem practice for english at school hahahaha i think i mainly like it just because it reminds me of supernatural and castiel in the last stanza DONT JUDGE ME

note to self to make a castiel gifset with the last stanza.... when i learn how to gif properly

To see a scorpion in your dream represents a situation in your waking life which may be painful or hurtful. It is also indicative of destructive feelings, "stinging" remarks, bitter words and/or negative thoughts being expressed by you or aimed against you. You may be on a self-destructive and self-defeating path. The scorpion is also a symbol of death and rebirth. You need to get rid of the old and make room for something new. 

To dream that you are at an assembly suggests that you are learning to accept and integrate the various aspects of yourself. The dream may also be telling you that you need to schedule a meeting. There is something that needs to be discussed.

To dream about the death of a loved one suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what you like about them. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, the dream indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life anymore.

To dream about your Facebook page represents your desires to expand your social circle. You need to reach out to others in a more direct and personal way. It is time to get out there and experience life.

Recurring dreams are quite common and are often triggered by a certain life situation, transitional phase in life or a problem that keeps coming back again and again. Such dreams may be highlighting a personal weakness, fear, or your inability to cope with something in your life. Some urgent underlying message in your unconscious is demanding to be understood. 


The frequent repetition of such dreams forces you to pay attention and confront the dream. It is desperately trying to tell you something.  Such dreams are often nightmarish or frightening in their content, which also helps you to take notice and pay attention to them.

I dreamt that my brother died and as a response, I posted something fucking ridiculous on his facebook wall that I can't remember but included the word 'lol' in it. The dream then skipped to my year group outside on a concrete area, where we were having a levels assembly and our dean was speaking. There was commotion amongst the group of 'popular girls' and they were all screaming and looking down at the floor. They stepped back to reveal a black 3 inch scorpion that scuttled extremely fast up and down the court area around them. Its body/legs/pincers on the concrete made a fast, loud, constant click/clacking noise.

The scorpion passed everyone without stopping or noticing them. It came towards me and I was getting ready to jump over it when it suddenly stopped, right in front of my feet. And then at a high speed I felt and heard it scuttle up my legs, up my body, up my neck, right next to my ear. And it kept making it's noises right against my ear and I could feel and hear it, even once I'd abruptly woken up.

The first time I had this dream, a couple nights ago, the scorpion didn't even come near me.

I went back to sleep, and when I woke up it was 8:30am and I was extremely late for school. 

Fuck you scorpion.

my feet hurt.





bye winnie ♥
hopefully my speech wasn't too awkward or incoherent - i kinda black out when i start talking in front of large audiences.

I am an ordinary girl with no extraordinary qualities, constantly complaining over cliched problems, maintaining an average life amidst a middle-class home

Once a friend told me, in a fit of passion - or rather, petulance - that my personality was nothing but a smorgasbord of clumsy experiences and a mimicry of unfit role models.

She said my humour was not my own. My way of speaking and my unusual overconfidence was something I had learnt from having a childhood with other decile-three school students. She said that all I did was imitate bits of everyone around me in order to create the being that I am.

And when she said this (obviously, not in the same words), I was offended - taken aback. How dare she accuse me of being a phony; a copy; a replica of people that had influenced me in my short life?

In return, I spat insults and threw hurtful words because she had gotten under my skin. I realised she was right. I was nothing but everything around me.

But aren't we all? Why is that something I needed to be ashamed about? What am I without the family that raised me, the friends I make, the media I entertain myself with, and the adventures I endeavour.

I still remember this argument, as long ago as it was. But now I'm not offended, mainly because there was no reason why it should be offending. Why be ashamed of my character being moulded from my environment and my living? How is that insulting, in any way?

Because you try think about each and every aspect of your personality, whether it's a good aspect or a not-so-good one. All of it can be credited to something or someone in your life.You don't wholly own any part of your identity.

But, I guess I just want to say, that's okay. Neither do I.