abundance of self pity

I'm basically wasting my life away.

I watch too many television programmes. I don't get enough sleep. I don't exercise enough. I get excited over things that are meaningless and don't actually have any relevance or benefit to my own life.

I only do the bare minimum at school. I don't try extra hard like I used to. I'm not the best at anything. I can't be the best singer, the best friend, the nicest person, the best student. I can't get top of the class or subject awards or scholarships like my friends can.

Before I came to St Cuth's, I thought I was the shit, or whatever. I mean, not many people played piano at roskill, so I thought I was such a good piano player and idk, somehow, piano playing got infused into my identity. And then I come to St Cuths and get a shit g8 grade whereas so many of my other friends get distinctions, and it's like, oh.

And now I haven't really played piano properly since, what? year 9? two years ago?

I guess I kind of give up after I realise I'm not the best or never will be.

I mean, I would like to think that I'm capable of getting an award at the end of the year. I was aiming for biology, or french, or chemistry. English, even.

But I don't think my bio teacher likes me very much. my french teacher hates me and I don't learn anything in class- possibly contributing to the fact that I suck at french this year. And so many people are just so much better than me in every subject I do.

I just have no motivation to do anything well anymore.

It's kind of like rn on language perfect. I don't actually care about language perfect so I'm not sure if this is the best analogy but whatever. I'm not gonna even try to beat Cherry's 4000 or so points when I'm only on 500 something and sixth in the school. So, I'll never get first because it's just so very unreachable that I don't even bother.

I hate growing up. After all, growing up goes hand in hand with loss of innocence, right? I remember when I was little and I was convinced that I was going to go to Princeton because I saw it in that Hilary Duff movie - Another Cinderella Story, I think? And my parents loved that. Loved that I had such high aspirations.

But then I researched a bit when I got older, and realised....
....Princeton doesn't even have a medical school.

And so, my 'dreams' of going to Princeton were crushed.

Looking back I feel so silly for ever thinking I could even get into Princeton, even if they did have a medschool. Schools like Princeton, and Harvard and Yale and what the fuck ever want either high society trust-fund babies with a good last name or child fucking prodigies. And I don't fit into either of those categories.

like, what the fuck? Vicky isn't an insecure person. No way. She's this confident vivacious bundle of horrible cockiness who ruins things for herself because she thinks she did better than she actually did.

I just feel like no matter what I do, someone I know can do it five times better.



There is just so much competition. 
all the time.
in everything i do.

When is it my turn to win?

went to taylor swift concert on 18/03/2012

it was magical.


i was in the mosh (with cathee, maria, & jo) too short. had to peek through heads and was in a tiptoe position was outstretched neck for the whole night.

possibly more details to come

right now i have to go back to cramming for brain bee. test is tmrw.

gg.

shapes

i find it annoying how everything has to have a double meaning nowadays.

if i draw hearts everywhere on my hands, books, across the page, it doesnt mean im in 'love' or that i'm thinking about a 'crush' or whatthefuckever. maybe i just like hearts? maybe i just like the shape and the curve and the simplicity.

they're much easier to draw compared to stars. stars are little pieces of shit. you can never get each arm to be identical, you can never make the star look perfect. or,well, at least, i cant.

circles are good. i like drawing loads and loads of circles- small ones in the spaces left by the big ones drawn side by side.

squares are pretty alright too.



triangles are lame

unless you're drawing triangles within a triangle
or bigger triangles outlining triangles on the inside.



all in all

i like doodling shapes

galloping abs

THW

jesus
just...
.... ignore the two posts below haha

been reading too many ellen hopkins novels....




did first debate of the year today at mrgs! we went up against baradene. it was technically my 2nd debate i've ever done. my first was so traumatic omg.

thats what she said.

(anyway) our team won and i got 74 points out of 80 as well as best speaker (joint with chrissie).

I'M SO HAPPY CUZ THIS HAS GIVEN ME SUCH A CONFIDENCE BOOST CUZ THE FIRST TIME I DID DEBATING IT WAS SO SO SO BAD BUT NOW I GOT BEST SPEAKER SO YAY MAYBE IM NOT THAT HORRIBLE AFTER ALL :B

after debating we walked out of the classroom, right? and SUDDENLY i see mildred and lizanne from intermediate and we're like OMG HAIIII and stuff to each other and then someone calls out "VICKY" and it's kelly kim standing on the other side of the coridoor and im like OMG HAIII! and then we walk out of the building and i see ma'ata who i've known since primary and we're like OMG HAIIIIIIIIII!!!

yup thats what happens within 2 minutes when you visit your old school (kinda though bcz i never actually went to mrgs but i went to mris which has all the same pple).

ramblings of an unorganized mind

how are we expected to
s
  p
    l
      i
        t
our time
e  v  e  n  l  y
between friends, family,
and homework

choose between:
a social life  being a loser
good grades being a retard
enough sleep being a zombie


how are we expected to know
if we're wanted
if we're cherished
if we're welcome
if we're loved

there is no red light
b-u-z-Z-Z-z-Z-i-n-g
saying:
"yes, come on in!"
only:
"enter at your own risk"


are we genuinely interested
or do we obsess over
similar things and people
because it makes us feel
as if we are a part
of something?
like, we are

included?

do we do nice things

because we want people to think

"what a nice girl"

do we do mean things

because we want people to think

"i shouldn't mess with her"

do we put up armours

of humour and/or hostility

or are they just

our natural exoskeleton?

are we conscious of how we live

how we act

who we love?

or

are we conscious of only 

what we eat

what we do

who we hurt.

and when do we find out

whether we

are

right

or

wrong?

there is too much life to live

and not enough time
to do 
everything i want to do


and not enough time
to relax 
and take a beat


and not enough time
to fit in
and make new friends

and not enough time
to sleep
and dream new dreams

and not enough time
to think 
about choices we make

and how one day
time will run out


and you will be left with

unfinished sentences 

and 

do you hear that?

it's the sound of my ovaries exploding.

*kaboom*